21 réponses à ce sujet

[Lenimph]

 Ok so this is my attempt of detailing the love triangle I experienced on my first playthrough as a dalish elf between Leliana, Alistair, and fresh wounds for Tamlen. It has fem/leliana so if that kind or thing bothers you ...

http://www.fanfictio...5/1/Bad_Romance

I haven't really written fanfiction in a very long time so feedback is really appreaciated.
Ill try to update once a week... that should give me enough time write chapters at school

Modifié par Lenimph, 08 août 2010 - 04:29 .

[MarcusDeVarro]

bow chicka bow wow lol

jk good story, hmmm i wonder what sharing a bed with Zev would be like?

ah senioritis, i caught my 1st semester of my senior year, its horrible

[Lenimph]

MarcusDeVarro wrote...

bow chicka bow wow lol
jk good story, hmmm i wonder what sharing a bed with Zev would be like?
ah senioritis, i caught my 1st semester of my senior year, its horrible

 Yeah it's a curse but at least I'm doing something slightly productive right? thanks for the feedback *ish happy now*

Sharing a bed with zev would seriously scare me...

[MarcusDeVarro]

ha i can picture it now
*shows pc Aedan lying in bed with Zevran. its dark*
"uh zev"
"yeeeaaassss"
"Um, why did you bring your dagger to bed"
"For protection, assassins often strike at night"
"Oh, that makes sense"
...quiet...
"Zev"
"Hmm"
"could you move your dagger, the pommels poking me in the back"
"Thats not my dagger"
"then what in the blazes could it..."
*Aedan hastely moves to sleep on the floor*

Modifié par MarcusDeVarro, 01 février 2010 - 06:40 .

[The Gay Warden]

Well I don't actually support gay relationships... (I know, ironic because the name) but it's the writing that counts. I'll check into it.

PS Lady Gaga lol.

[Lenimph]

The Gay Warden wrote...

Well I don't actually support gay relationships... (I know, ironic because the name) but it's the writing that counts. I'll check into it.

PS Lady Gaga lol.

aww but it's 2 girls  i thought guys liked that kind of stuff
anyway im sure there will be moments worth reading  aside from the romantic stuff... I really wanna try to capture the party bantar that made the game oh so funny

ps .... I can't help it that her music is so damn catchy. It's her  powers

[The Gay Warden]

Lol. Guys DO like that sort of stuff. But when it's down to seriousness, I don't find a lesbian Grey Warden all too... mature.

[Tasmen]

The Gay Warden wrote...

Lol. Guys DO like that sort of stuff. But when it's down to seriousness, I don't find a lesbian Grey Warden all too... mature.

Irony, your bite is delicious.

[The Gay Warden]

I suppose I am pretty tasty.

[Daigowedd]

Tasmen wrote...
Irony Heteronormative privilege, your bite is delicious

Fixed that for you.

ETA: Reading the fic now I can see a number of tense shifts and punctuation errors, I'll leave a more in depth critique in a minute.

Modifié par Daigowedd, 01 février 2010 - 11:00 .

[The Gay Warden]

Hah-hah.

[Lenimph]

-.- Well see the thing is uhh... Ap Lit has my brain fried(lie) and punctuation... hell half of the stuff i read takes "liberties" in that kind of stuff you know... heh heh -.-'



(I admit i do fail at grammer) T.T

[emynii]

Lenimph wrote...

-.- Well see the thing is uhh... Ap Lit has my brain fried(lie) and punctuation... hell half of the stuff i read takes "liberties" in that kind of stuff you know... heh heh -.-'

(I admit i do fail at grammer) T.T

As long as you take constructive critisism with dignity and not flipping out, you're ahead of many in writing.

(ps. Grammar)

Modifié par emynii, 01 février 2010 - 11:09 .

[Daigowedd]

A drenched dalish foot stepped in the doorway of the aged rest stop
where she saw families sleeping awkwardly on the reception hall
couches.

This sentence makes no sense, unless a giant foot is really seeing families sleeping.

“I have a feeling that we will be paying quite a price for these rooms.” Morrigan added.

The full stop/period at the end of the dialog should be a comma, "Morrigan added" is part of the same sentence asd the dialog. Also, new speaker in a new paragraph will lessen the confusion, as you have three people speaking in the same paragraph.

her ocean eyes where barely opened

were

The rest of it flows much better, and in particular Alistair's dialog feels like things Alistair would say.

[Lenimph]

Daigowedd wrote...

A drenched dalish foot stepped in the doorway of the aged rest stop
where she saw families sleeping awkwardly on the reception hall
couches.

This sentence makes no sense, unless a giant foot is really seeing families sleeping.

“I have a feeling that we will be paying quite a price for these rooms.” Morrigan added.

The full stop/period at the end of the dialog should be a comma, "Morrigan added" is part of the same sentence asd the dialog. Also, new speaker in a new paragraph will lessen the confusion, as you have three people speaking in the same paragraph.

her ocean eyes where barely opened

were

The rest of it flows much better, and in particular Alistair's dialog feels like things Alistair would say.

-.- thanks those are some really stupid mistakes that I should have noticed. 

[MarcusDeVarro]

Lenimph wrote...

The Gay Warden wrote...

Well I don't actually support gay relationships... (I know, ironic because the name) but it's the writing that counts. I'll check into it.

PS Lady Gaga lol.

aww but it's 2 girls  i thought guys liked that kind of stuff
anyway im sure there will be moments worth reading  aside from the romantic stuff... I really wanna try to capture the party bantar that made the game oh so funny

ps .... I can't help it that her music is so damn catchy. It's her  powers

guys do like that stuff, i find les wardens...awsome, maybe im less mature that a 15 yr old idk just guessin

[Creature 1]

The Gay Warden wrote...
I don't find a lesbian Grey Warden all too... mature.

ROFLCOPTOR! 

There are many lesbians much, much older than you. 

[Alan Rickman]

I actually read the thread title as "Bad Bromance" while skimming through the page. I'm slightly disappointed now.

[Lenimph]

JobacNoor wrote...

I actually read the thread title as "Bad Bromance" while skimming through the page. I'm slightly disappointed now.

lol, sorry to disappoint...

[Lenimph]

www.fanfiction.net/s/5709305/2/Bad_Romance chapter 2 is up

Modifié par Lenimph, 12 février 2010 - 07:36 .

[Lenimph]

http://www.fanfictio...5/3/Bad_Romance chp 3 has been added

[Lenimph]

 I've made it to chapter 7  It would be ch 8 but my lappy is at the doctors...