20813 réponses à ce sujet

[MHRazer]

Urdaniel wrote...

Okay, the forum's acting funky on me. I quoted a post here and then hit "submit" and it took me to a thread I'd never seen before, let alone visited. Let's try this again, shall we?

@york - It worked indeed, thanks. Read your stuff and left comments on each entry. Short version: MOAR! Please?

@Razorsedge820 - Ruh-roh, I don't know that this chapter is necessarily the sort of thing that would brighten a day.

@MHRazer - hope it don't spoil your dinner (well it's not gory or anything, but still).

I won't spoil it for anybody who hasn't read it yet, but as far as not brightening your day... well at one point I got very worried that it would take a severe turn for the worst. But you handled it nicely. 


And it certainly didn't spoil my dinner! (Partly because I read it afterwards, but it wouldn't have anyway )

Overall, I thought it was very good. I'm not exactly a literary enthusiast, but you drew me into the story (again) and had me very interested in where you were going to take it (Especially that one scene). Which can be a hard thing to do, so I commend you on that.

I like the way you work toward getting Jack to come out and say what she's thinking. I assume it's a difficult thing to do, getting what's in Jack's head out on the page, since she's generally a guarded person wary of leaving herself vulnerable to disappointment/harm. Like how you made Shep work towards the "To say thanks, okay?" comment, rather than simply having her say "I wanted to thank you for everything." At times she still seems a little too open for her personality, but you can't beat around the bush forever, I suppose.

Rather than just spitting out a bunch of accolades, I'll just leave it at: I liked it a lot, and can't wait for the next one.

Also: "Got ... a bod someone once said looked like a peanut with ******." made me LOL

Modifié par MHRazer, 26 mai 2010 - 11:23 .

[SpiderFan1217]

Not mine. Just thought they were funny.

Modifié par SpiderFan1217, 27 mai 2010 - 03:15 .

[Urdaniel]

JohnnyDollar wrote...
Are you wanting feedback on this one Urdaniel?

Um yes?  Please? :innocent:


@MHRazer - I struggled a lot with Jack's demonstrativeness/openness, until I finally rationalized it away as something that only happens in private (as in this setting).  In the company of other people, I see her as being demonstrative to "mark her turf" or to get a rise out of onlookers, but certainly not to show her "vulnerable" side.  It may not come out completely clearly in the actual story, but it's a struggle for Shep to get her to be as open as she is.  I blame that on needing more experience writing the characters.  Oh, and the description of her you lol'ed at was something this one troll said a few pages back (couple of dozen or so?).  I was serious in the author's notes about owing a great deal to the people on this thread.  

Finally, thanks to everyone for the comments, including the folks who left reviews on Fanfiction.net.  I already know how I'm starting Day 5 and it'll be out, well when it's out, I guess.


EDIT: @york - More Ralph is good.  Wouldn't mind seeing more Jack/Shep from you but no pressure.

Modifié par Urdaniel, 27 mai 2010 - 03:21 .

[Jackal904]

This forum is acting weird. An hour ago I tried twice to post here and instead got sent to some random thread. Anyway...

Urdaniel wrote...

And after much wailing, wearing raiments of sackcloth and ashes, and tearing of teeth and gnashing of hair- wait, that sounds wrong.  Well nevermind then.  Just wantedto tell any (still) interested folks that Ifinally got Day 4 done and published:

Things
Worth Keeping

That was great Urdaniel. My favorite chapter so far. I left you a review, so you can read that instead of me going on in here about how awesome I thought it was [smilie]../../../images/forum/emoticons/lol.png[/smilie].

adriano_c
wrote...

Look where we are...

-edit.
Off-topic, but Ifound this...amusing.

Jake71887 wrote...

danteshepard

wrote...

I'm a devout Talimancer myself Jake but Jack is a close

second for me.

Yeah, but the Jack thread sucks.. i've beenthere, it was boring.

Maybe if we were more like the Tali thread and told everyone in here when we're going to take a ****, he would find this thread more exciting. I mean c'mon, nothing is more thrilling than reading posts from people saying they're going to bed or work. Just the thought of it gets me all pumped up! WOOO!!! YEAH! [smilie]../../../images/forum/emoticons/w00t.png[/smilie]

Modifié par Jackal904, 27 mai 2010 - 03:24 .

[MHRazer]

Urdaniel wrote...

@MHRazer - I struggled a lot with Jack's demonstrativeness/openness, until I finally rationalized it away as something that only happens in private (as in this setting).  In the company of other people, I see her as being demonstrative to "mark her turf" or to get a rise out of onlookers, but certainly not to show her "vulnerable" side.  It may not come out completely clearly in the actual story, but it's a struggle for Shep to get her to be as open as she is.  I blame that on needing more experience writing the characters.  Oh, and the description of her you lol'ed at was something this one troll said a few pages back (couple of dozen or so?).  I was serious in the author's notes about owing a great deal to the people on this thread.  

Finally, thanks to everyone for the comments, including the folks who left reviews on Fanfiction.net.  I already know how I'm starting Day 5 and it'll be out, well when it's out, I guess.

No, I think it was pretty clear that you were trying to make it so Shepard had to pry most of it out. There were pieces where it seemed she opened up a bit too much, but I took it the same way you did; that it's only in private she'd say those things. If word got out, there'd be hell to pay.

I didn't know you could post reviews on the site, I pretty much have just been reading your pieces and leaving. Might do that for your next one, depending on how it strikes me. 

@ Jackal, same thing happened to me. I hope it's just a result of the move from the other section. Almost lost my whole post. 

[Obsidian Gryphon]

Probably the wrong thread but recently I replayed ME 2 and was doing Jack's loyalty mission. There's a little part where Shep could walk with her down memory lane regards the objects in her old room but for some reason, this was skipped. I tried it a few more times, choosing 'Take Your time' option for every attempt and it remained the same. Is this a bug?

[Urdaniel]

EDIT:

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

Probably the wrong thread but
recently I replayed ME 2 and was doing Jack's loyalty mission. There's a
little part where Shep could walk with her down memory lane regards the
objects in her old room but for some reason, this was skipped. I tried
it a few more times, choosing 'Take Your time' option for every attempt
and it remained the same. Is this a bug?

I would say so.  I've played through the game around seven times all told and that sequence has never skipped for me.  Btw, which option did you choose when she asks to look around?  If you chose the one that goes sort of like "We don't have time," that might be what made the game skip over that part.  Don't remember the exact wording of the dialogue wheel choice, sorry.

@JohnnyD - Appreciate it very much.  And consider that a polite request for continued input in the future. 

@ Jackal - Thanks for the review.  Writing it was like pulling teeth.  And when I was done, I had some serious reservations about keeping some parts in.  You can probably guess which one in particular, but I won't do a spoiler.

@MHRazer - Feel free to review it on the site.  That way it keeps this thread open for stuff with broader appeal. 

Modifié par Urdaniel, 27 mai 2010 - 03:43 .

[Obsidian Gryphon]

Urdaniel wrote...

I would say so.  I've played through the game around seven times all told and that sequence has never skipped for me.  Btw, which option did you choose when she asks to look around?  If you chose the one that goes sort of like "We don't have time," that might be what made the game skip over that part.  Don't remember the exact wording of the dialogue wheel choice, sorry.

But that's the sequence I'm talking about, I never chose the "We don't have time".. x.x   It was "Take Your Time".  Bah, weird, I haven't touched ME2 for a couple of months and I came back to find a bug. o.O   Heh, maybe I ought to choose that and see what happens.

I think it may have something to do with the weird tiiming for the missions. I picked up where I left off, which was pretty early in the game. I start the game, did the krogan mission and then I got the Jacob, Miranda loyalty missions. I woke Grunt then gallivant around a bit.  In the middle fo the Jacob loyalty mission, suddenly I was hijacked to  go to the Collector's Ship. In the rounds I have played, I never did visit the CS so early!

Modifié par Obsidian Gryphon, 27 mai 2010 - 03:55 .

[Urdaniel]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...
But that's the sequence I'm talking about, I never chose the "We don't have time".. x.x   It was "Take Your Time".  Bah, weird, I haven't touched ME2 for a couple of months and I came back to find a bug. o.O   Heh, maybe I ought to choose that and see what happens.

I think it may have something to do with the weird tiiming for the missions. I picked up where I left off, which was pretty early in the game. I start the game, did the krogan mission and then I got the Jacob, Miranda loyalty missions. I woke Grunt then gallivant around a bit.  In the middle fo the Jacob loyalty mission, suddenly I was hijacked to  go to the Collector's Ship. In the rounds I have played, I never did visit the CS so early!

Then I would have to say you're bugged.  That's one hell of a bug though. 

[Jackal904]

Spoiler Warning for Urdaniel's fanfic.

Urdaniel wrote...

@MHRazer - I struggled a lot with Jack's demonstrativeness/openness, until I finally rationalized it away as something that only happens in private (as in this setting).  In the company of other people, I see her as being demonstrative to "mark her turf" or to get a rise out of onlookers, but certainly not to show her "vulnerable" side.  It may not come out completely clearly in the actual story, but it's a struggle for Shep to get her to be as open as she is.

That's exactly how I think she would act too. Only showing her vulnerability when alone with Shepard, but tough and a bit clingy in public to let everyone know that she's with Shepard and to ward off any other women that might make a pass at him. And I think you do a great job at portraying that.

Also I love the struggle Shepard has with trying to get Jack to open up. There's a struggle between both of them to try and get the other to open up, to try and better understand the other. It's one of my favorite aspects of your fanfic :happy:. And in the last chapter with Jack struggling to not feel like she doesn't deserve to be with Shepard after all she has done and been through. That was brilliant. And how she's angry that she feels like she can't give him anything after everything he has done for her. And how she's still hesitant to allow herself to fully committ to the relationship because to her it seems almost unrealistic, like it's too good to be true. Basically the whole thing was brilliant .

Modifié par Jackal904, 27 mai 2010 - 04:04 .

[Jackal904]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

Probably the wrong thread but recently I replayed ME 2 and was doing Jack's loyalty mission. There's a little part where Shep could walk with her down memory lane regards the objects in her old room but for some reason, this was skipped. I tried it a few more times, choosing 'Take Your time' option for every attempt and it remained the same. Is this a bug?

Yeah that happened to me once. I think it's just a bug.

[axl99]

Hey Urd, read your fic. One thing you might want to consider:

Jack is somewhat impervious to the cold. She came out of cryo partially flash frozen and running around like none of her joints were affected at all. And she was mostly half naked for a good chunk of the game with nary a goosebump on her even in hostile environments.

A little cold water might not be enough to make her shiver.

Modifié par axl99, 27 mai 2010 - 06:20 .

[Nightwriter]

Hello Jack fans. So I was wondering...

In one of Jack's last conversations, she says something like, "It'll never work. You'll mess around, something will go wrong, I'll have to kill you."

And Shepard just says, "And?"

So... I felt like there should've been another optional response to this, because my Shepard will most certainly not be messing around and I feel like I'm saying, "Yeah, I'll mess around, so what?"

Anyone else feel this way?

[Booglarize]

-> Nightwriter

Well, I feel like at that moment, Shepard was just trying to call her bluff in a sense, by suggesting that even the nightmare scenarios which she was imagining weren't enough to unsettle him. Which I suppose was his roundabout way of reassuring her, as opposed to trying to rationally convince her that those things weren't going to happen (which probably wouldn't have worked as well, I think). I don't think he was seriously suggesting that he's going to mess around.

But I agree with you on the more general point - even when he's trying to be nice Shepard invariably comes across as a bit of a douchebag. Seems like a disease, almost... sadly, I don't think there's any cure.

Modifié par Booglarize, 27 mai 2010 - 09:50 .

[Nightwriter]

Lol. Well, thanks, that actually helps me see it from a better perspective.

[Epantiras]

SpiderFan1217 wrote...

[pics]

Not mine. Just thought they were funny.

Ah yes, that's some of my early ME2 stuff ;-)

Probably the wrong thread but recently I replayed ME 2 and was doing
Jack's loyalty mission. There's a little part where Shep could walk with
her down memory lane regards the objects in her old room but for some
reason, this was skipped. I tried it a few more times, choosing 'Take
Your time' option for every attempt and it remained the same. Is this a
bug?

Thanks to the videogame gods I've never encountered that bug! But It reminds me the first time I played that mission... it was weird. I didn't understand that I had to go around the room and click on things to go on! I had to read the mission description on the journal to understand what to do

[Jackal904]

axl99 wrote...

Hey Urd, read your fic. One thing you might want to consider:

Jack is somewhat impervious to the cold. She came out of cryo partially flash frozen and running around like none of her joints were affected at all. And she was mostly half naked for a good chunk of the game with nary a goosebump on her even in hostile environments.

A little cold water might not be enough to make her shiver.

I thought about that too while reading Urd's fanfic. But I just think the developers didn't feel it was necessary to have Jack  show that she is cold. So don't take it seriously that Jack is somehow unaffected by cold temperatures.

[Urdaniel]

axl99 wrote...
Hey Urd, read your fic. One thing you might want to consider:

Jack is somewhat impervious to the cold. She came out of cryo partially flash frozen and running around like none of her joints were affected at all. And she was mostly half naked for a good chunk of the game with nary a goosebump on her even in hostile environments.

A little cold water might not be enough to make her shiver.

Thanks for reading it.  Any and all input is useful and appreciated.  Well, not flames, but that goes without saying. 

Taking both yours and Jackal's interpretations of the situation into account, I would have to say that either is certainly acceptable given the proper context.  Within the context of the narrative, however, Jack's shivering is more along the lines of anticipation/dread/what-have-you, i.e., it's a psychological as opposed to a physiological reaction.  At least that's the story I'm sticking with. 


EDIT: 
@york - Not sure about the body heat thing, but Shep would certainly agree about the cuddling part (though never in public).  What I did notice from the codex, et al. is that biotics tend to have random static discharges, albeit mild ones.  That'll figure into a later part of the story, btw.  (Oooo, a teaser!)  

Modifié par Urdaniel, 27 mai 2010 - 02:19 .

[axl99]

No that part I do get Urd, I'm simply suggesting the physical aspect of having her teeth chattering for instance might be off, even if it's just Shepard perceiving it.

Speaking of Shepard, most of this story seems to be written from his point of view. Maybe you could try writing it from Jack's perspective as well if you want to give it a stab.

Modifié par axl99, 27 mai 2010 - 02:53 .