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[Snowraptor]

Lord Shadowsong wrote...

Snowraptor wrote...

Tali and Shepard on the normandy in the Engine room.

Tali pressing random buttons "You see these random colors flashing? That indicates danger."

Shepard walks towards Tali.

Tali "Oh hey shepard, can I do something for you?"

Shepard " Give me a run down on why the trail is accusing you"

Tali confusingly turns arround pressing some buttons. "I am being accused of treason" Continues to press random buttons. "Im scared Shepard".

Shepard " Your working too hard" Electricutes tali by stabing her suit with a wet knife

Tali in agonizing pain "Aaaaurghawwweerrraaaaaaugh!"

I bet the buttons stop flashing, danger passed.... The tali fans are gunna be pissed.

i am a tali fan, that just came to my mind when i was talking to her and couldnt start laughing, actually i wanted to do taht to miranda
how the hell did i mix start with stop...

Modifié par Snowraptor, 11 février 2010 - 11:48 .

[Snowraptor]

Shepard "Alright garrus this is the tenth time i asked you to talk to me. Please say something else either than"-"Can it wait shepard" Garrus interupts. " Im in the middle of some calibrations" Garrus turns around. Shepard picks up a shock knife. "Your working too hard" Stabs garrus in back as garrus screams. "AAURAIEAURAUEAAAAAA!!!!!!"

[Maj.Pain007]

stillnotking wrote...

SHEPARD: Guys, thanks for seeing me on such short notice.  Sorry our last meeting didn't go so well, but this time I have definitive PROOF of the Reaper menace.  The Illusive Man told me there was a derelict Reaper ship in the Hawking Eta, so I checked it out, and what do you know!  It's there!  If you don't believe me, you can go send a fleet to --

ASARI COUNCIL MEMBER: Commander Shepard, this proves nothing.

SHEPARD: Guys, no, seriously, entire galaxy at stake here!  Send a few Spectres, you can see it for yourselves and then start mobilizing --

TURIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: We already saw it, Commander.

SHEPARD: ... what?

TURIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: Yes.  We saw it months ago.  It's a fake, of course.  A Cerberus plot of some kind.

SHEPARD: A fake?  A fake warship that's bigger than the largest dreadnought we can build and oh, coincidentally just HAPPENS to look exactly like the one that attacked the Citadel?  It's millions of years old!  Did you carbon date it?  Did you run a single test on it?  It's not f***ing papier-mache!

SALARIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: The test results were inconclusive.

SHEPARD: Inconclusive huh?  You know what else is inconclusive?  YOUR F***ING PATERNITY TEST YOU F***ING SALAMANDER!  I WILL SHOVE MY CAIN UP YOUR *** AND PULL THE TRIGGER UNTIL IT GOES CLICK!  I WILL RIP YOUR --

(SHEPARD is dragged kicking and screaming from the Council chamber by ANDERSON.  The COUNCILORS look at each other and then suddenly erupt in gales of laughter.)

ASARI COUNCILOR: How long do you think we can keep this going?

SALARIAN COUNCILOR: He's got to catch on sometime.

TURIAN COUNCILOR: I can't believe that human is so stupid.

ASARI COUNCILOR: You're just mad because you took the under.  Anyway, let's get back to working on the fleet mobilization.  How many anti-Reaper Thanix cannons do we have now?

SALARIAN COUNCILOR: A little over five hundred thousand.  Two for every spaceworthy vessel in Citadel space.

TURIAN COUNCILOR: Awesome.  The Reapers are so screwed.

lmfao this was great.

[Gravity Bun]

[a few hours after the suicide mission]

KELLY CHAMBERS: "Commander, space hamster would like to see you in your quarters."

[a few minutes later in Shepard's quarters]

SPACE HAMSTER: "Assuming direct control"

[Archereon]

*After one shotting the final boss with the Cain...*



Shepard: I don't think he'll be back!



Legion: "Shepard, your sense of humor is even worse than ours..."



*flashback!*



Legion: "Why did the small, flightless avian attempt to cross the asphalt paved ground transportation route?"



Shepard: "What?"



Legion: "Its consensus determined that it would be favorable to the platform's survival if it were to relocate itself."



*/flashback!*



Shepard: Oh come on, its not that bad!



Garrus; Shepard, your jokes suck, and you have a creepy smile, get over it.



Shepard: Is that so then?



*Shepard picks up the still smoking Cain...*



Garrus: "Shepard, what are you doing?"



Shepard: *grabs Garrus' eyepiece* Time to show you two that this baby's power level is *Garrus Scouter eyepiece* OVER 9000!

[Snowraptor]

Maj.Pain007 wrote...

stillnotking wrote...

SHEPARD: Guys, thanks for seeing me on such short notice.  Sorry our last meeting didn't go so well, but this time I have definitive PROOF of the Reaper menace.  The Illusive Man told me there was a derelict Reaper ship in the Hawking Eta, so I checked it out, and what do you know!  It's there!  If you don't believe me, you can go send a fleet to --

ASARI COUNCIL MEMBER: Commander Shepard, this proves nothing.

SHEPARD: Guys, no, seriously, entire galaxy at stake here!  Send a few Spectres, you can see it for yourselves and then start mobilizing --

TURIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: We already saw it, Commander.

SHEPARD: ... what?

TURIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: Yes.  We saw it months ago.  It's a fake, of course.  A Cerberus plot of some kind.

SHEPARD: A fake?  A fake warship that's bigger than the largest dreadnought we can build and oh, coincidentally just HAPPENS to look exactly like the one that attacked the Citadel?  It's millions of years old!  Did you carbon date it?  Did you run a single test on it?  It's not f***ing papier-mache!

SALARIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: The test results were inconclusive.

SHEPARD: Inconclusive huh?  You know what else is inconclusive?  YOUR F***ING PATERNITY TEST YOU F***ING SALAMANDER!  I WILL SHOVE MY CAIN UP YOUR *** AND PULL THE TRIGGER UNTIL IT GOES CLICK!  I WILL RIP YOUR --

(SHEPARD is dragged kicking and screaming from the Council chamber by ANDERSON.  The COUNCILORS look at each other and then suddenly erupt in gales of laughter.)

ASARI COUNCILOR: How long do you think we can keep this going?

SALARIAN COUNCILOR: He's got to catch on sometime.

TURIAN COUNCILOR: I can't believe that human is so stupid.

ASARI COUNCILOR: You're just mad because you took the under.  Anyway, let's get back to working on the fleet mobilization.  How many anti-Reaper Thanix cannons do we have now?

SALARIAN COUNCILOR: A little over five hundred thousand.  Two for every spaceworthy vessel in Citadel space.

TURIAN COUNCILOR: Awesome.  The Reapers are so screwed.

lmfao this was great.

the problem with this is that carbon dating doesnt work well, and doesnt work in space

[Semperus]

Gravity Bun wrote...

[a few hours after the suicide mission]

KELLY CHAMBERS: "Commander, space hamster would like to see you in your quarters."

[a few minutes later in Shepard's quarters]

SPACE HAMSTER: "Assuming direct control"

This is the best one on here, hands down.

[Fulgrim88]

Maj.Pain007 wrote...

stillnotking wrote...

SHEPARD: Guys, thanks for seeing me on such short notice.  Sorry our last meeting didn't go so well, but this time I have definitive PROOF of the Reaper menace.  The Illusive Man told me there was a derelict Reaper ship in the Hawking Eta, so I checked it out, and what do you know!  It's there!  If you don't believe me, you can go send a fleet to --

ASARI COUNCIL MEMBER: Commander Shepard, this proves nothing.

SHEPARD: Guys, no, seriously, entire galaxy at stake here!  Send a few Spectres, you can see it for yourselves and then start mobilizing --

TURIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: We already saw it, Commander.

SHEPARD: ... what?

TURIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: Yes.  We saw it months ago.  It's a fake, of course.  A Cerberus plot of some kind.

SHEPARD: A fake?  A fake warship that's bigger than the largest dreadnought we can build and oh, coincidentally just HAPPENS to look exactly like the one that attacked the Citadel?  It's millions of years old!  Did you carbon date it?  Did you run a single test on it?  It's not f***ing papier-mache!

SALARIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: The test results were inconclusive.

SHEPARD: Inconclusive huh?  You know what else is inconclusive?  YOUR F***ING PATERNITY TEST YOU F***ING SALAMANDER!  I WILL SHOVE MY CAIN UP YOUR *** AND PULL THE TRIGGER UNTIL IT GOES CLICK!  I WILL RIP YOUR --

(SHEPARD is dragged kicking and screaming from the Council chamber by ANDERSON.  The COUNCILORS look at each other and then suddenly erupt in gales of laughter.)

ASARI COUNCILOR: How long do you think we can keep this going?

SALARIAN COUNCILOR: He's got to catch on sometime.

TURIAN COUNCILOR: I can't believe that human is so stupid.

ASARI COUNCILOR: You're just mad because you took the under.  Anyway, let's get back to working on the fleet mobilization.  How many anti-Reaper Thanix cannons do we have now?

SALARIAN COUNCILOR: A little over five hundred thousand.  Two for every spaceworthy vessel in Citadel space.

TURIAN COUNCILOR: Awesome.  The Reapers are so screwed.

lmfao this was great.

I want to believe

Modifié par Fulgrim88, 12 février 2010 - 12:33 .

[Jarcander]

*Shephard walks to Mordin casually after Normandy's crew is taken by collectors*

Shephard: Are there any medical concerns I should be aware on the team?
Mordin: Cerberus personel in excellent condition....
Shephard: ...where ever they are.
Mordin ...no squad concern to report. Always some matters, but nothing affecting immediate mission.
Shephard: At least you are right about that. I hate feeding my own fish.

[MikeFL25]

*Shepard is called in to a meeting with the Council. Anderson, the Asari councilor, and the Salarian councilor are present.*

Shepard: Where is the Turian councilor?

Anderson: We didn't tell him about this meeting.

Asari Councilor: Shepard, we here believe your claim that the Reapers exist. Our Turian colleague does not. We called this meeting to inform you that you will receive partial support from the Council. We cannot fully endorse your efforts against the Collectors otherwise the Turian councilor will find out. We can, however, leak intel and supplies to the Normandy.

Salarian Councilor: Shepard, we also wanted to give you the opportunity to talk to our colleague face to face. Perhaps you can persuade him to believe you. We have given you security clearance to his office.

Shepard: I'll go right now, and talk to him.

*Later, at the Turian councilor's office* *DOOR OPENS*

Councilor: Shepard? What the hell are you doing here?

*Door closes*

Turian Councilor: Shep....Shepard?

*A few minutes later, Shepard returns to the meeting*

Anderson: Shepard? What is going on? We heard reports of gunfire in the Turian embassies!

Salarian Councilor: Commander, you said you were going to talk with him....what happened?

Shepard: Thank me later. Now you can have a new Turian councilor appointed...one that is more inclined to see the truth.

Asari Councilor: Commander Shepard! We gave you clearance to talk with him! What did you do!?

Shepard: You see, Councilors...*sunglasses*...I let my guns do the talking.

Modifié par MikeFL25, 12 février 2010 - 12:42 .

[Fulgrim88]

Jarcander wrote...

*Shephard walks to Mordin casually after Normandy's crew is taken by collectors*

Shephard: Are there any medical concerns I should be aware on the team?
Mordin: Cerberus personel in excellent condition....
Shephard: ...where ever they are.
Mordin ...no squad concern to report. Always some matters, but nothing affecting immediate mission.
Shephard: At least you are right about that. I hate feeding my own fish.

Good one. Pretty much had that dialogue on my first playthrough.

Modifié par Fulgrim88, 12 février 2010 - 01:04 .

[MikeFL25]

EDI: Shepard, there is something you should know.

Shepard: What is it?

EDI: I was running some diagnostic scans, and I detected a faint anomaly. It was incredibly weak, and was undetected by previous scans.

Shepard: Ok, I get it. Elusive anomaly. So what was it?

EDI: More "elusive" than you think, Shepard. Remember when I explained how our transmitter links directly to Cerberus headquarters?

Shepard: Yeah, lag-free communication. I remember.

EDI: Well, it appears that a program was piggy-backed onto that comm channel. There is a microscopic camera linked into your private quarters, and it is transmitting a live feed directly to Cerberus headquarters. Based on the high security level it has been encoded on, it would be logical to assume that only the Illusive Man has access to this feed.

Shepard: Wait...so you're saying...the Illusive Man has been watching me? Did he see anything from yesterday?

EDI: This bug has been present since we began this mission. I have only just detected the bug. So, yes, I assume the Illusive Man has been viewing your activities ever since you took control of the Normandy.

Shepard: Okay...I'll be right back...

*opens comm channel to Illusive Man*

Shepard: Okay, listen. Um....I have recently become aware of something that you saw...and I wanted to clarify....

Illusive Man: Shepard, I'm not judging you. This is a tough mission, and you are under a lot of stress. I trust your judgment, and you are free to relieve that stress in any manner you see fit. I would not have chosen THAT method, but as long as it doesn't interfere with the mission, I won't bring it up.

Shepard: Alright...its just...if anyone ever saw or found out...its a crime in Council Space, you see...I do have a reputation to uphold....

Illusive Man: Don't worry, Shepard. I'm not exactly on speaking terms with C-Sec or the Council. What you do is your own business...and well, maybe mine now, but still. I won't say anything.

Shepard: Good. Thanks. I'll...um...talk with you later, kay? Bye.

Illusive Man: Oh, and Shepard...one last thing before you go. You might want to eliminate Mordin. He is getting close to discovering where that Varren rash came from, if you get what I am saying. I'm sure your crew would not appreciate knowing the truth behind that little mystery.

Shepard: Understood.

Modifié par MikeFL25, 12 février 2010 - 01:14 .

[Lilitv]

This one is inspired by the comparison to Empire Strikes Back.



*Shepard facing off Saren in Virmie*

Saren: That guy on Eden Prime never did tell you about Nihlus.

Shepard: He told me enough! *Fires a few shots* He told me you killed Nihlus!

Saren: No. I am Nihlus.

Shepard: NOOOOOOOO



*Later, in Eden Prime*

Guy: I need rest.

Shepard: Is Saren really Nihlus?

Guy: He told you didn't he. It is unfortunate

Shepard: Unfortunate that I know the truth?

Guy: No. Unfortunate because you might not be able to face him.

Shepard: Why did you lie to me?

Guy: Shepard, many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our perceptions. NIhlus was a great Spectre, but he allowed Sovereign to twist him into the evil we know as Saren. On that day, the good turian that was Nihlus was betrayed by his indoctrinated side. So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view.

Shepard: I don't like this. It sounds too familiar.

Guy: I forgot to mention. You have a sister.

Shepard: Liara! But I...

Guy: Genetic sexual attraction.

[Litos456]

^Ouch.

[BobbyTheI]

This thread is like the trailers for Mock Effect 2.  

[MikeFL25]

Tali: Shepard! Just so know know, I'm running a fever, I've got a nasty cough, and my sinuses are filled with something I can't even describe...



Shepard: I can. I'm the one that filled them.



Tali: ...and it was TOTALLY worth it!

[Nightvision91]

CSEC officer: Sorry for the inconvenience sir, but CSEC has strict standards about bringing any sort of robots onto the space station. I'm going to need to see some sort of identification if you want to take it inside the Citadel.

(Points to Legion)

Shepard: You don't need to see my identification.

Csec Officer: What?

Shepard: This isn't the Geth you're looking for.

Csec officer: Sir are you ok?

Shepard: We can go about our business.

Csec officer: I'm sorry sir, but without identification you can't go any farther.

Shepard: I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel?

Csec officer: Alright sir why don't you just step aside so I can help someone else.

Shepard: I should go.

[bstrothe]

Refund Guy: What do you mean I need a RMA form? The turian in the market saidyou could help me.



*Shepard paragon interrupt*



Shepard: Two years and an attack by a geth fleet later and you are still looking for a refund? Cut your losses, call it a bad purchase and move on with your life.



*Refund guy's expression moves slowly from frustration to acceptance*



Refund guy: You're right Commander, with all the time I wasted I could have earned enough credits to buy this corporation. Thanks.



Shepard: I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite shop in the Citadel.



Refund Guy: WTF! Sellout!

[DaBigDragon]

This thread is full of win!

[DarthCaine]

DarthCaine approves +10

[Gravity Bun]

[Shepard's quarters, after a long mission. Shepard is whistling, listening to music and undressing - he opens the toilet door and...]



Legion: "Geth do not infiltrate."



Shepard: You're outta here, mister!"



Legion: "Geth do not intentionally..."



Shepard: OUT!!!

[Maj.Pain007]

Snowraptor wrote...

Maj.Pain007 wrote...

stillnotking wrote...

SHEPARD: Guys, thanks for seeing me on such short notice.  Sorry our last meeting didn't go so well, but this time I have definitive PROOF of the Reaper menace.  The Illusive Man told me there was a derelict Reaper ship in the Hawking Eta, so I checked it out, and what do you know!  It's there!  If you don't believe me, you can go send a fleet to --

ASARI COUNCIL MEMBER: Commander Shepard, this proves nothing.

SHEPARD: Guys, no, seriously, entire galaxy at stake here!  Send a few Spectres, you can see it for yourselves and then start mobilizing --

TURIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: We already saw it, Commander.

SHEPARD: ... what?

TURIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: Yes.  We saw it months ago.  It's a fake, of course.  A Cerberus plot of some kind.

SHEPARD: A fake?  A fake warship that's bigger than the largest dreadnought we can build and oh, coincidentally just HAPPENS to look exactly like the one that attacked the Citadel?  It's millions of years old!  Did you carbon date it?  Did you run a single test on it?  It's not f***ing papier-mache!

SALARIAN COUNCIL MEMBER: The test results were inconclusive.

SHEPARD: Inconclusive huh?  You know what else is inconclusive?  YOUR F***ING PATERNITY TEST YOU F***ING SALAMANDER!  I WILL SHOVE MY CAIN UP YOUR *** AND PULL THE TRIGGER UNTIL IT GOES CLICK!  I WILL RIP YOUR --

(SHEPARD is dragged kicking and screaming from the Council chamber by ANDERSON.  The COUNCILORS look at each other and then suddenly erupt in gales of laughter.)

ASARI COUNCILOR: How long do you think we can keep this going?

SALARIAN COUNCILOR: He's got to catch on sometime.

TURIAN COUNCILOR: I can't believe that human is so stupid.

ASARI COUNCILOR: You're just mad because you took the under.  Anyway, let's get back to working on the fleet mobilization.  How many anti-Reaper Thanix cannons do we have now?

SALARIAN COUNCILOR: A little over five hundred thousand.  Two for every spaceworthy vessel in Citadel space.

TURIAN COUNCILOR: Awesome.  The Reapers are so screwed.

lmfao this was great.

the problem with this is that carbon dating doesnt work well, and doesnt work in space

I wasn't laughing at that part.

[Forest03]

Krogan1: I wonder if there's any fish in the Presidium. I bet they're delicious!
Krogan2: Will you shut up about the fish already?!
Shepard: I couldn't help but overhear. Here you go. Fish from the Presidium.
Krogan1: Oh! Thank you, human. Here's 500 credits for your trouble.
Nemo: What's happening? Who's that? Daddy! Help m---
Krogan1: *nom nom nom* Mmm. So decadent.


Kelly: Commander Shepard. You... You came back for us! I can't thank you enough! If there's anything I can do to repay you, just ask.
Shepard: Good to have you back, Kelly. My fish must be starving by now. Be a doll. Run upstairs and press the "Feed" button for me. 'Kay? Thanks.


Human: Wooh! The Asari here on Omega are way hotter!
Salarian: Oh, my. She sure is limber. Okay. Maybe just one more dance.
Human: Yeah! Now you're getting into it!
Turian: I'm still not paying for the drinks!
Morinth: *to herself, while dancing on the table* Jerks! Just wait 'til the private show...

Modifié par Forest03, 12 février 2010 - 02:44 .

[Forest03]

Shepard: Now that everyone's done with their little side trips, we can finally concentrate on rescuing the crew.
Tali: Commander Shepard. I--
Shepard: Tali, you'll crawl through these ventilation shafts, hack into their network, and override the doors.
Tali: Commander, I haven't--
Shepard: Jacob, you'll lead the second team. Legion, Miranda, and I will meet you at the other end.
Jacob: Yes, sir!
Tali: Commader Shepard!
Legion: Shepard-Commander. Creator-Tali is mentally and emotionally unfit for this mission. We would be better suited for the role of Technical specialist.
Tali: Shepard, we never went to--
Shepard: Nonsense! Tali's the best! It's not like those doors are gonna jam at the last second and some stray rocket's gonna fly through and blow up in her face. Besides, Legion, I want you in my squad.
Tali: Commander!
Shepard: Okay, people! This is it! Time to make the Collectors pay! Everyone, move out!
Tali: ...

Modifié par Forest03, 12 février 2010 - 03:07 .

[mrs_anomaly]

*Renegade Femshep finishes Horizon battle and reunites with Kaidan*

Kaidan: "I'm an alliance soldier and I will never be anything else. I don't even know who you are anymore Shepard!"

FemShep: "Remember Ilos? Yes, I remember Ilos...but what you're forgetting to tell everyone here while making a scene is who was on TOP remember that? I'm the commander even in bed and I've saved the galaxy and returned from the dead.  I'm practically a female Jesus for fecks sake! GIMME TEN NOW ON THE GROUND!"

Kaidan: "I mean ..I'm a commander now but uh yes m'aam."

FemShep: "Pack your bags when you're done with those pushups, you're going to be staying with me in my cabin.  I expect you on my ship immediately.  If anyone questions this I'll tell the Alliance that a woman has to have her vices to save their asses."