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[HomicidialFrog]

Joker: Man this is boring, I wonder what's going on in the Engineering.



The camera activates on Joker's moniter and Shepard and Miranda are banging each other.



Joker: HOLY ****! ******* ****** *******



*CRACK!*



Joker:AAAAAAH! My pelvis!

[Lord_Moose]

LOLandStuff wrote...

FemShepard: We have to talk about each one’s abilities and role in this ominous grand mission.
Miranda: Shepard, this meeting is useless. I have better thing to do and I am perfect. Talk to the rest, I can’t say they excel at what they’re doing.
Shepard: Actually Miranda, this meeting is about you mostly.
*snip*
Shepard: Get the f*** out of the cool table and don’t question me. Cool people have cool stuff to discuss here.

That Was Brilliant.

I recall one word by Miranda -.-

Miranda: "I'm Shepard's Second in comma-"
Shep: "Woh woh woh woh Ho now, What was that? You think you're Second in Command? This is my ship here and I set the order here. And here's how it is. You're below the Mess Sargent because he makes awesome gumbo, you'll little more then a tattletale to The Illusive Man so you can go **** yourself."
Miranda: "Commander Shepard h-"
Shep: "And that whole having a private room to yourself? Not happening, you're part of the Cerberus crew, you live with them in the crew quarters. Comprende? That room goes to Garrus."
Garrus: "Can it wait a minute, i want to finish up some calibrations..."
Shep: "Alright Fine! You can sleep in the forward batteries for all i care, Mordin, you can have the room."

[Meshakhad]

Quarian Admiral: If you want to go get yourselves killed by a bunch of geth... *notices that Tali, Garrus, and Shepard are all snickering* what's so funny?

Shepard: We pretty much eat geth for breakfast.

Tali: Still, it'll be nice to have some target practice.

Shepard: We'll be back in half an hour.

*they walk away*

Garrus: I think this time, I'll just bring my pistol. Just for a challenge.

Tali: No guns for me. I'm going to fight those geth with my omni-tool.

Shepard: Wimps. All I need is this screwdriver.

[Skalman91]

Meshakhad wrote...

Quarian Admiral: If you want to go get yourselves killed by a bunch of geth... *notices that Tali, Garrus, and Shepard are all snickering* what's so funny?
Shepard: We pretty much eat geth for breakfast.
Tali: Still, it'll be nice to have some target practice.
Shepard: We'll be back in half an hour.
*they walk away*
Garrus: I think this time, I'll just bring my pistol. Just for a challenge.
Tali: No guns for me. I'm going to fight those geth with my omni-tool.
Shepard: Wimps. All I need is this screwdriver.

This is so true.

Those Quarian admirals obviously haven't heard who Shepard is, I mean if the have, they'd probably know she killed a million^5 of them in the time ME1 takes place. 

[Aphillio]

Shepard: Legion, what the hell are you doing in my room at this time?!

Legion: We are making sure Shepard-Commander is safe.

Shepard: Well don't do that ok? I'm fine.. Why do you have a pair of my underwear?

Legion: .... No data available.

[Forest03]

^ lulz

[shaneho78]

Aphillio wrote...

Shepard: Legion, what the hell are you doing in my room at this time?!
Legion: We are making sure Shepard-Commander is safe.
Shepard: Well don't do that ok? I'm fine.. Why do you have a pair of my underwear?
Legion: .... No data available.

Shepard: Get out of my room NOW!!
(Tali's voice): You have failed. I will find another way. Releasing control.
Legion collapses

[LOLandStuff]

Shepard: Kelly, where’s my fish? Did they die again? I usually find them floating.

Kelly: I love animals, fish just as much as I love humans and aliens. I felt sorry for them and when we last stopped at the Citadel, I released them into the lake by the pretty park.

Shepard: You did what?



Kargesh: Look, I’ve told you there’s fish.

Rukar: Not his again.

Kargesh: He’s staring at me. I’m gonna take him home and name him Pooky. And I’m gonna feed him and groom him and we’ll be best friends. Then eat him!

Rukar: Dammit! There isn’t any fish in the urinal.

[LOLandStuff]

Shepard: And then he says “Remember Ilos? Because I
certainly do. I thought we had something special.”

Garrus: See? That’s why you shouldn’t date humans, even if you’re one.
Especially Kaidan!

Shepard: And then I had to explain to him how I was dead for
2 years and Cerberus rebuilt me then how we had to go and save the galaxy.

Garrus: Not to mention that you already saved the Citadel at
the cost of humans lives. How can he be such a douche?

 

Garrus: You deserve somebody who respects you. Somebody who
will never betray you and always be by your side.

Shepard: Oh, I think I’m just going to stop saving the
galaxy for a while.

Garrus: No, Don’t do that! Don’t let some idiot discourage
you.

Shepard: It’s always the same thing. “Reapers? Oh yes, those
imaginary cthulhu set on destroying all life.”

Garrus: You’ll find someone out there who cares about you
for who you are. Someone who actually enjoys all the mayhem and killing, even.

 

Garrus: If you have nothing better to do, maybe once we get
to Omega we can snipe mercs and bad guys or something!

Shepard: That’s neat, but I’m fine. Nothing can kill me
anyway, especially not moronic outbursts and it’s not like I can stay dead.

Garrus: We could go look for some geth and shoot them. You
know, remembering the old days?

Shepard: Anyway, if there is nothing better to do, we can
always test your reach and my flexibility.

Garrus: And then we can go and…what?

Shepard: It’s been 2 years and we’re both stressed out. So,
why not try it?

Kaidan: I’m right in front of you!

Shepard: Excuse me unimportant person? We’re discussing how
to save the galaxy here?

Garrus: Don’t you have a report to make?

Modifié par LOLandStuff, 15 février 2010 - 11:23 .

[LOLandStuff]

sorry for the double post

[FenixPendragon]

*Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd approaches Admiral Xen of the Migrant Fleet

Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd: Admiral Xen,what's the most you ever won in a coin toss?
*Pulls coin out of pocket

Xen: What?

Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd: This coin was minted in 2058 it has been traveling over ten years to get here. What is the most you ever won in a coin toss?

Xen: I don't know.

Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd: Call it.

Xen: I don't want to call it if I don't know what I stand to win.

Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd (smiling): You stand to win everything. Call it.
*puts off hand on pistol and draws it

Xen: You don't have to do this.

Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd (laughing): They all say the same thing.
*flips coin
Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd: Call it, it's the best I can do.

Xen: The coin doesn't have any say only you do.

Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd: The coin got here the same way I did. Call it.

*See Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd at the Quarian airlock Veetor is there cowering in the corner

Veetor: Can I go now?

Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd (turns head to Veetor): That depends. Do you see me?

*Anton "Cuigurh" Shepherd carefully checks his boots and closes the airlock a wry smile on his face.

[Ronnoc554]

CorvushatesEA wrote...

Shepard: "Wait... You sang Gilbert and Sullivan? That's one of my favorites! Do you think you could show me?"

Mordin: "Of course."

*Clears throat"

Suddenly, a volley of synth drums resonate in mordin's workplace, followed by an equally lame synthesized backing track...

Shepard: What the hell? EDI, what's going on?

Mordin: *Puts on sunglasses* We're no strangers to lo-huh-oooove...
You know the rules, and so- do I!
A full commitment's what i'm- thinkin' o-huh-oooofff...
You wouldnt get this from- any other guy!
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII just wanna tell you how i'm feelin...
Gotta make you, Understand!
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you do-ho-hown...

Shepard: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

LMFAO  XD

[serjwolf]

Illusive Man:*drags on his cigarette* "Shepard, I couldn't give you a shuttle big
enough to carry your whole team. It might have tipped the Collectors
off.


i love you

[Gabey5]

serjwolf wrote...

Illusive Man:*drags on his cigarette* "Shepard, I couldn't give you a shuttle big
enough to carry your whole team. It might have tipped the Collectors
off.


i love you

its all i ever wanted to hear

[Gabey5]

Miranda: Shepard can i speak with you



Shepard: sure i always have time for my crew



Miranda: I'm pregnant



Shepard: i have to go

[Gabey5]

Miranda: "You should know I've been genetically enhanced. It's why the Illusive Man handpicked me."

Shepard: "What level of genetic modification are we talking about?"

Miranda: "Just these.... *cups her breasts* and this. *wiggles DAT ASS*."

Shepard: "I can see why the Illusive Man handpicked you. Sounds like you're perfect."

Miranda: "I'm still human, I make mistakes. And when I do... well, everyone expects a lot from someone with my... endowments."

Shepard: "You certainly don't lack for confidence."

Miranda: "Women with perfect breasts usually don't. That's why I was assigned to you, Shepard. You really got the short end of the stick in the breast department last game."

Shepard: "Epic win. Meet me in the engine room."







(drinking Brandy)

Shepard: "To Jenkins, to Pressley, and to Alenko."

Dr. Chakwas: "May they never be forgotten... unlike those 20 other guys."

Shepard: "What 20 other guys?"

Dr. Chakwas: "Exactly."

[Gabey5]

(Liara's recruitment in ME1)

Liara: "Hello? Is anyone there? I'm a young, virgin,asari, trapped, hovering field

Shepard: "Dear Diary... JACKPOT."

[DuffyMJ]

Illusive Man: Shepard. No one wants to admit it but Humanity's under attack.



Shepard (nodding in contemplation): I had... A vision. I saw synthetics. Geth maybe. Slaughtering organics. Butchering them.



Illusive Man: *takes a drag, hangs up* Too idealistic from the start!

[Gabey5]

^nice

[zer0netgain]

Gabey5 wrote...

Miranda: "You should know I've been genetically enhanced. It's why the Illusive Man handpicked me."
Shepard: "What level of genetic modification are we talking about?"
Miranda: "Just these.... *cups her breasts* and this. *wiggles DAT ASS*."
Shepard: "I can see why the Illusive Man handpicked you. Sounds like you're perfect."
Miranda: "I'm still human, I make mistakes. And when I do... well, everyone expects a lot from someone with my... endowments."
Shepard: "You certainly don't lack for confidence."
Miranda: "Women with perfect breasts usually don't. That's why I was assigned to you, Shepard. You really got the short end of the stick in the breast department last game."
Shepard: "Epic win. Meet me in the engine room."


(drinking Brandy)
Shepard: "To Jenkins, to Pressley, and to Alenko."
Dr. Chakwas: "May they never be forgotten... unlike those 20 other guys."
Shepard: "What 20 other guys?"
Dr. Chakwas: "Exactly."

Those were solid GOLD! :P:lol:

[sagevallant]

Gabey5 wrote...

Miranda: "You should know I've been genetically enhanced. It's why the Illusive Man handpicked me."
Shepard: "What level of genetic modification are we talking about?"
Miranda: "Just these.... *cups her breasts* and this. *wiggles DAT ASS*."
Shepard: "I can see why the Illusive Man handpicked you. Sounds like you're perfect."
Miranda: "I'm still human, I make mistakes. And when I do... well, everyone expects a lot from someone with my... endowments."
Shepard: "You certainly don't lack for confidence."
Miranda: "Women with perfect breasts usually don't. That's why I was assigned to you, Shepard. You really got the short end of the stick in the breast department last game."
Shepard: "Epic win. Meet me in the engine room."



(drinking Brandy)
Shepard: "To Jenkins, to Pressley, and to Alenko."
Dr. Chakwas: "May they never be forgotten... unlike those 20 other guys."
Shepard: "What 20 other guys?"
Dr. Chakwas: "Exactly."

Shep: We have an unspoken rule with our enemies; unnamed combatants don't count. We don't count those 20, and they don't count the million krogan / geth / humanoids I've picked off personally with my sniper rifle. I think we got the better end of that deal.

[DuffyMJ]

Joker: Message coming in sir, it sounds like Hackett is calling you from the toilet again.



Hackett: Shepard? This is Admiral Hackett from Alliance Command. We have a situation, and could use the new Normandy's help.



(faint sound of toilet flushing in background)



Shepard: What's the situation, Admiral?



Hackett: We've found the crash site of the original Normandy, the one where you were violently killed. It's located in the Terminus System. There are twenty charred and mutilated bodies down there, and we need to recover their dog tags for the grieving families. This could be trouble Shepard.



Shepard: Maybe you're overreacting to the situation. A Cerberus strike team might not be necessary.



Hackett: Three days ago we sent alliance representatives to gather the tags. *long pause* We've lost contact, and can only assume the worst.



Shepard: I'll look into it admiral.



Hackett: Thanks, Shepard. You're working for the Cerberus terrorist organization now, and aren't technically in the alliance chain of command. But you're still human, and you know how to get the job done. *pause* We also have a memorial commemorating the SSV Normandy we'd like you to plant at the crash site. I'll forward the cement and sculpting kit to you helmsman. 5th Fleet out.

[Llandaryn]

DuffyMJ wrote...

Hackett: Thanks, Shepard. You're working for the Cerberus terrorist organization now, and aren't technically in the alliance chain of command. But you're still human, and you know how to get the job done. *pause* We also have a memorial commemorating the SSV Normandy we'd like you to plant at the crash site. I'll forward the cement and sculpting kit to you helmsman. 5th Fleet out.

I always did wonder how they got that freaking big memorial into such a small shuttle.

[DuffyMJ]

Llandaryn wrote...

DuffyMJ wrote...

Hackett: Thanks, Shepard. You're working for the Cerberus terrorist organization now, and aren't technically in the alliance chain of command. But you're still human, and you know how to get the job done. *pause* We also have a memorial commemorating the SSV Normandy we'd like you to plant at the crash site. I'll forward the cement and sculpting kit to you helmsman. 5th Fleet out.

I always did wonder how they got that freaking big memorial into such a small shuttle.

"these suits have bigger pockets than you'd think!"

[Sialater]

LOLandStuff wrote...





Shepard: And then he says “Remember Ilos? Because I
certainly do. I thought we had something special.”

Garrus: See? That’s why you shouldn’t date humans, even if you’re one.
Especially Kaidan!

Shepard: And then I had to explain to him how I was dead for
2 years and Cerberus rebuilt me then how we had to go and save the galaxy.

Garrus: Not to mention that you already saved the Citadel at
the cost of humans lives. How can he be such a douche?

 

Garrus: You deserve somebody who respects you. Somebody who
will never betray you and always be by your side.

Shepard: Oh, I think I’m just going to stop saving the
galaxy for a while.

Garrus: No, Don’t do that! Don’t let some idiot discourage
you.

Shepard: It’s always the same thing. “Reapers? Oh yes, those
imaginary cthulhu set on destroying all life.”

Garrus: You’ll find someone out there who cares about you
for who you are. Someone who actually enjoys all the mayhem and killing, even.

 

Garrus: If you have nothing better to do, maybe once we get
to Omega we can snipe mercs and bad guys or something!

Shepard: That’s neat, but I’m fine. Nothing can kill me
anyway, especially not moronic outbursts and it’s not like I can stay dead.

Garrus: We could go look for some geth and shoot them. You
know, remembering the old days?

Shepard: Anyway, if there is nothing better to do, we can
always test your reach and my flexibility.

Garrus: And then we can go and…what?

Shepard: It’s been 2 years and we’re both stressed out. So,
why not try it?

Kaidan: I’m right in front of you!

Shepard: Excuse me unimportant person? We’re discussing how
to save the galaxy here?

Garrus: Don’t you have a report to make?

You caught that conversation with the turian trying to pick up the quarian, too, eh?