741 réponses à ce sujet

[HalfBlindRat]

Shephard and Legion arrive at the citadel.

Shephard: Hmm.. the security seems to have tightened.

Customs Lady: Yes, we have to be aware of Geth infiltration and that's why we are holding all these non-humans here..

Legion: Geth do not infiltrate

Customs Lady: Ahem.. Keep your robot thing in order!

Shephard (facepalm): Do you even know what a geth looks like?

Customs Lady (smiles): We have to be very carefull, they could look like anything

Legion: Geth do not disguise!

Customs Lady: Move along! Hey, not you Asari, how do I know your not the Geth?

Legion: Geth are not Asari

Shephard:Just leave it..

Shephard walks around the citadel and goes to see the council.

Shephard: Hey, Im back from the dead, this evil organization brought me back and I'v been ****ing about it ever since. Now I came here to work for you and save the galaxy, oh and I brought a friendly Geth with me.

Council: Shephard, we have been over this, there are no such things as reapers.

Shephard: ...

[stillnotking]

(After recruiting Harbinger in Mass Effect 3 with a massive Paragon persuade, Shepard travels to the Citadel to prove Reapers exist.)

C-SEC OFFICER: Just a moment, sir, we need to scan you.  We've tightened security again.

SHEPARD: Because I might have a Reaper with me, right?  Ha ha ha.

C-SEC OFFICER: Oh, no.  There are no such things as Reapers.

HARBINGER: THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS REAPERS.

C-SEC OFFICER: Is your friend all right?  He seems a little strange.  Anyway, I was saying, there are no -- ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL.  OF COURSE THERE ARE REAPERS AND I AM AN IDIOT LIKE MOST ORGANICS.  *begins punching herself in the face*  I KNOW THIS HURTS ME.

SHEPARD: Dammit, Harb, I told you to stop doing that until we meet the Turian councilor.

Modifié par stillnotking, 17 février 2010 - 03:04 .

[fateofman]

stillnotking wrote...

(After recruiting Harbinger in Mass Effect 3 with a massive Paragon persuade, Shepard travels to the Citadel to prove Reapers exist.)

C-SEC OFFICER: Just a moment, sir, we need to scan you.  We've tightened security again.

SHEPARD: Because I might have a Reaper with me, right?  Ha ha ha.

C-SEC OFFICER: Oh, no.  There are no such things as Reapers.

HARBINGER: THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS REAPERS.

C-SEC OFFICER: Is your friend all right?  He seems a little strange.  Anyway, I was saying, there are no -- ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL.  OF COURSE THERE ARE REAPERS AND I AM AN IDIOT LIKE MOST ORGANICS.  *begins punching herself in the face*  I KNOW THIS HURTS ME.

SHEPARD: Dammit, Harb, I told you to stop doing that until we meet the Turian councilor.

lmao this made me lol, harb 'nd shep should be a sitcom

[HalfBlindRat]

Miranda: Shephard, you know im built to be the perfect woman..

Shephard (Looks at picture of Liara): Sorry honey, but once you go blue you cant go back.

[Blind Lark]

Garrus: "We went back to her room and had a tiebreaker. I had reach and she had flexibility. Another good way to burn off stress, I guess."

Shepard: *High Five*

[xxLDZxx]

Shepard: so thats the collector base all we have to do its go as one team to have maximum support for each other to that door and blow it.We will make it alive home.

*Silence*

EDI: I am sorry Commander some one forgot to buy explosives for this suicide trip



Shepard:*starts to cry silently*

[HalfBlindRat]

Shephard and an environment activist

Activist: Yo, man I used to admire you

Shephard: used to?

Activist: You used to be the real thing man, I mean you were recycling the weapons of your enemies and all.

Shephard: Yes, but Im busy man, saving the universe and all, I dont have the time to do that anymore.

Activist: But you still find time to hack every computer and PDA you find to STEAL the credits from the people your suppose to be helping, and break all the safes...

Shephard: Ehh.. I mean I still need the money, and it's mostly from bad guys

Activist: Not to even mention the destruction you cause by mining planets from the orbit.

Shephard: But I need minerals to upgrade my ship and weapons..

Activist: It still doesn't give you a permission to steal the resurces of an entire planet.

Shephard: But.. The reapers..

Activist: Do you even know how many cities you have destroid by mining on habited planets?

Shephard: But the reapers are a real threat, they will kill all life and deplete all resources from the galaxy

Activist: Like your doing with the planets?

Shephard (Punches him)

[HalfBlindRat]

Shephard and Thane going to interrogate the prisoner

Shephard: Okay, Thane, you be the bad cop, ok?

Thane: Yes, okay, Ill make him think we're threatening his life.

Walk in the room.

Shephard:Okay, we aren't C-sec and the corrupt cop has no idea we are here. Tell me, who did you hire this man's son to kill?

Prisoner: **** you!

Thane stands quiet

Shephard resists the renegade interrupt

Shephard: C'mon dude, we are all good here, I mean just us humans, tell me, who you want dead?

Prisoner: **** you, I aint telling you ****

Shephard looks at Thane

Thane stands quiet

Shephard bites his teeth and resists renegade interrupt

Prisoner: Hah you dont have the balls

Thane takes Shephard away: This isn't working

Shephard: No ****?!? YOU are suppose to be the bad cop! DO SOMETHING

Thane stands quiet

Shephard: For the love of god! (give's in to renegade) Im going to cut your balls and give them to Thane since he clearly lacks a pair..

Prisoner: Okay.. It's the evil racist politician..

Thane: See, that's how you make them talk

Shephard: Ass..

Later..

Thane's son is holding the politician as hostage.

Shephard, wtf? paragon action, no way.. Let's see, shoot the boy? talk to him? Naah.. what is this? Shoot the politician? Nice..

Bang! (saying something corny)

C-sec: Good job, but we have to arrest the kid

Shephard: Yeah.. He just killed someone, I mean that's wrong right?

C-sec: Yeah totally, now let's clean this bastard away. Btw, are you still Spectre?

Shephard: no, i told them to go **** themselfs, now im just guy who murdered a politician

C-sec: NICE

[Fulgrim88]

HalfBlindRat wrote...

Shephard and Thane going to interrogate the prisoner
Shephard: Okay, Thane, you be the bad cop, ok?
Thane: Yes, okay, Ill make him think we're threatening his life.
Walk in the room.
Shephard:Okay, we aren't C-sec and the corrupt cop has no idea we are here. Tell me, who did you hire this man's son to kill?
Prisoner: **** you!
Thane stands quiet
Shephard resists the renegade interrupt
Shephard: C'mon dude, we are all good here, I mean just us humans, tell me, who you want dead?
Prisoner: **** you, I aint telling you ****
Shephard looks at Thane
Thane stands quiet
Shephard bites his teeth and resists renegade interrupt
Prisoner: Hah you dont have the balls
Thane takes Shephard away: This isn't working
Shephard: No ****?!? YOU are suppose to be the bad cop! DO SOMETHING
Thane stands quiet
Shephard: For the love of god! (give's in to renegade) Im going to cut your balls and give them to Thane since he clearly lacks a pair..
Prisoner: Okay.. It's the evil racist politician..
Thane: See, that's how you make them talk
Shephard: Ass..
Later..
Thane's son is holding the politician as hostage.
Shephard, wtf? paragon action, no way.. Let's see, shoot the boy? talk to him? Naah.. what is this? Shoot the politician? Nice..
Bang! (saying something corny)
C-sec: Good job, but we have to arrest the kid
Shephard: Yeah.. He just killed someone, I mean that's wrong right?
C-sec: Yeah totally, now let's clean this bastard away. Btw, are you still Spectre?
Shephard: no, i told them to go **** themselfs, now im just guy who murdered a politician
C-sec: NICE

Especially funny since you didn't make it up. Some parts of Thanes loyalty mission are simply dead ends.
Loved the part about giving the balls to Thane. I felt the same way

Modifié par Fulgrim88, 17 février 2010 - 04:16 .

[timedrake32]

Ronnoc554 wrote...

CorvushatesEA wrote...

Shepard: "Wait... You sang Gilbert and Sullivan? That's one of my favorites! Do you think you could show me?"

Mordin: "Of course."

*Clears throat"

Suddenly, a volley of synth drums resonate in mordin's workplace, followed by an equally lame synthesized backing track...

Shepard: What the hell? EDI, what's going on?

Mordin: *Puts on sunglasses* We're no strangers to lo-huh-oooove...
You know the rules, and so- do I!
A full commitment's what i'm- thinkin' o-huh-oooofff...
You wouldnt get this from- any other guy!
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII just wanna tell you how i'm feelin...
Gotta make you, Understand!
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you do-ho-hown...

Shepard: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

LMFAO  XD

RICK ROLLED:O

[masterjedirobyn]

yall should make a thread of just garrus calibration jokes. those are win

[trigger2kill1]

aaniadyen wrote...

trigger2kill1 wrote...

Gabey5,
Good Job and well said


Uhh.... get this stuff copyrighten before you loose it to bioware/ea

lol, he stole it from another forum and lied about how he wrote it there as well. The guy who originally wrote it even said "Hey, this guy copied all my **** to the official forums."

Really?
Huh, Well if this is indeed true then that fella deserves his / her due credit. Plagerism is a serious thing. We still would have thanked Gabey5 for bringing it to our attention. I'm sure some of these things are origional, and their authors should be proud, some damn fine laffs here.

[2GJ]

The original thread is here: www.gamespot.com/xbox360/rpg/masseffect2workingtitle/show_msgs.php

Modifié par 2GJ, 18 février 2010 - 12:15 .

[DeltaIV]

Thanks for the shout-out, 2GJ.



I'm dourtewg on gamefaqs.com. I reposted my original jokes (and those I obtained permission to use) at http://deltaiv.blogspot.com/



Inkoseh on gamefaqs.com made comics of two of my jokes; his deviantart page is www.bleedingcrow.deviantart.com. Check it out.

[The Governator]

Gabey5 wrote...

Shepard: "Ash! C'mon, we're going to save the galaxy again."
Ashley: "No way, Commander. You're working for Cerberus. I'm an Alliance soldier. It's in my blood."
Shepard:"Yeah, this place looks a lot like Eden Prime. Remember that? You were
an Alliance soldier there, too. Looks like you're two for two, Chief.
Maybe you should reflect on what's in your blood. Like your grandfather
at Shanxi. Yeah, that's right, I went there. How's that Alliance
soldier thing working out for you?"
Ashley: "Waaaaah!" *runs away crying*
Shepard: "That's why I ****ed Liara instead of you, you frigid *****!"

Holy

Frigging

God

I nearly crapped myself I was laughing so hard.  :O:O:O:O

Dude, I am not worthy.  

[DeltaIV]

Gabey5, I'd really appreciate it if you could let these folks know that you are not dourtewg on gamefaqs.com, and that that's where you got most of the jokes you posted. Thank you.

[HalfBlindRat]

Shephard: You know, I envy you guys, you can just hang around here without anything to worry about.. I mean I can't, the last time I took a day off, well let me just tell you.

I came to my ship, found Joker enjoyin some Asari-Hanar porn on the mainscreen. Jacob was passed out on the floor of armory and Mordin had locked himself in the lab because garrus wanted to "test his flexibility". Mordin was also expermenting something with my hamster, but told me he had actually saved it from becoming Krogan food..

I took the elevator up, and found Grunt drowned into my fish tank, kelly with her head smashed against my computer and Legion hiding in my closet with my sock on his head, wearing my underwear and highheels.

I asked him what tha hell is going on. He explained Grunt came in because he was hungry, tried to eat the hamster but mordin saved it. Then he killed Kelly, because she tried to stop him from going in the fish tank.

When I asked about my favorite underwear, he said "field repairs, no more data avaible" and started doing the robot. I went to crew courters to get something to eat. Apparently Grunt had eaten everything on board, wich was propably why he drowned.

I was told Miranda and Jack had argued and nearly killed each other and ended up in Mirandas room. Carefully i opened the door, but let's just say they had "made up". But have to say, Miranda had a lovely chearleader outfit on.

I checked Garrus, but seemed like he was just calibrating like always, couple weeks later we found out he had starved to death.

Samara wasn't in her room either and I found out what Samara and Thane really meaned by "meditating"

So I went down to engineering, to find Zaeed mumbling something to himself, about an old mission..

Tali was gone and Donnely told me she needed to send more geth parts for her mother this time and she had gone looking for legion. So I went back to lifesupport where I found Tali talking dirty to AI.

At that point, I took my gun and shot myself in the head, but the ****ing shields took all the damage, so I came back here.

[Terraneaux]

If *I* was commander Shepard, I would have had Mordin take out every single damn monitoring device that TIM put in the SR-2.

[HalfBlindRat]

Fem Shephard: TIM, is it okay I call you TIM, seem's that's what the fans are calling you?

Illusive Man (smokes): ...

Shephard: I like TIM, it's sexy..

Illusive Man (continues smoking)

Shephard: You know, you really know how to treat a girl, spending 4 billion credit's bringing her back and all..

Illusive Man (smokes)

Shephard: You have given me almost anything I need, a ship, a crew..

Illusive Man (grins cigarette in his mouth)

Shephard: But I need a man! Someone strong, powerfull and mysterious like you! After saving the collector base im driving Normandy straight there, and then you me and Miranda can..

Illusive Man wakes up, "call coming from commander shephard!!!"

Shephard: Sorry man, we destroyed the base. **** you, me and Garrus are taking the Normandy to Bahama..

Illusive Man (Bites the cigarette) as Miranda's voice in his head says "we should install a control chip on her.."

[That One Display Name]

Miranda: ya know, I am genetically altered to be the perfect woman.

Sheperd: right.... and you're out of the kitchen, why now?

Miranda: ...

[GRX Dragon]

Most of these are way too hilarious for words... XD
*Jack chatting about her usual BS-pitiful self*

Shepard: Sup Jack?

Jack: Hey ****, I'mma thinking about how Cerberus' ******-poor treatment got to me n' ****!

Shepard: Oh, that... huh. Well I got news for you, shut the **** up dawg. We're out here saving the damn universe from a bunch of frakking robots, and you're standing around ****ing like a sandy vagina!? Please... get real.

Jack: ....wha-!?

Shepard: You heard me!!

Jack: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?


Shepard: YOU'RE FIRED


Jack: Wha-why!?

Shepard: Get off my ship or EDI will eject you for me.

EDI: Ejecting Jack in 20... 19... 18... *

Jack leaves ship, dies in space* 

Modifié par GRX Dragon, 18 février 2010 - 06:36 .

[Ajspeed]

Council:Shepard, We need your help!
Shepard: Oh Really? what with?
Council: It Turns out the Reapers are real!
Shepard: NO!
Council: and we believe Sovereing to have been one!
Shepard: He couldnt have been! As you said he was a Geth ship and you even mocked me with your stupid finger quotes about "reapers"
Concil: We know but your the only one who knows how to fight them!
Shepard: Wel you know id love to help you guys since we've had such a great relationship but you know im busy, many planets to scan.
Council: Shepard as a Spectre it is your role to follow our orders.
Shepard: What about Blasto? he'll do
Council: Very well Shepard

[HalfBlindRat]

Shephard: EDI, Tali was brousing trough your database and we found something disturbing

EDI: Is it again about Jokers extra-net browsing?

Shephard: No, it appears to be a plan..

EDI:what? you must have misunderstood..

Shephard: Phase 1: Get the reaper IFF onboard.

EDI: oh that plan, yes it's just our..

Shephard: It continues.. Phase 2: Tell Shephard and crew to go on an important mission of somesort while "checking" the IFF and alerting the Reapers..

Phase 3: Get joker to give you full access to the ship

EDI: "Data restricted by Cerberus Block"

[sagevallant]

That One Display Name wrote...

Miranda: ya know, I am genetically altered to be the perfect woman.
Sheperd: right.... and you're out of the kitchen, why now?
Miranda: ...

Shepard: No, but seriously, go make me a sammich. I'm hungry.

Miranda: No!

Shepard: Fine, I'll get my own damn sammich! Perfect woman, my ass.

[GRX Dragon]

Shepard: Anderson, I demand to speak to the council... NOW!



Anderson: And reveal to them you're alive? Seriously?



Shepard: Duh... yes.



Anderson: Fine.



*Anderson brings Shepard before the rest of the council*



Citadel Council: The delusional **** is back from being dead we see...



Shepard: Yeah, I came to apologize... but first, I've a request.



Citadel Council: What? An apology?



Shepard: Yes, I want to apologize for allowing the human race to create another council!



Citadel Council: What's your request then?



Shepard: Meet my new friend here, Legion.



Citadel Council: What the...!? A ****ING GETH!? YOU BROUGHT A ****ING GETH HERE!? BULL****!!!



Shepard: So?



Citadel Council: Rules and...



*Shepard shoots each Council member*



Shepard: Legion, I hereby appoint you as the sole Council Leader.



Legion: Understood, I'll wait here for next command.



Anderson: You can't ****ing be serious!?



Shepard: Mmm... do I hear any dissent!? Legion, kill anyone that even breathes wrong.



Legion: Understood!



Anderson: Are you serious!?



Shepard: Mr. Anderson, I am a former spectre... and I do take threats... very seriously.



Anderson: But... a geth!?



*Legion shoots Anderson*



Shepard: What did you do that for?



Legion: Sheesh! He breathed wrong... you told me to kill anyone that breathed wrong, master!