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[Dr. Peter Venkman]

If a tree falls on Miranda in the middle of Horizon...why was there a kitchen in the middle of Horizon?

[SW33TADD1CT10N]

Normandy stalls from critical loss of pressure in the something-something valve, causing Shepard to contemplate testing Garrus' theory that Miranda could suck-start a Reaper...

[AndersKrei]

Miranda: I have been made to be the perfect woman.
Shepard: Yeah about that... didn't you tell me a little while ago that you were cloned from your fathers DNA?
Miranda: Yes, what's your point?
Shepard: Well... doesn't that technically make you a dude?
Miranda: My fathers y-chromosome was altered to resemble an x.
Shepard: ...okay lets pretend genetics work that way, wouldn't that still only make you a dude who looks like a girl?
Miranda: Well that is what makes me perfect isn't it?
Shepard: ... wait... what?
Miranda: Well, you wouldn't trust a bald hairdresser to do your hair would you?
Shepard: Are you saying... you have a... do you?
Miranda: *Leans in and whispers* six... inches... Shepard
Shepard: Ye-yeah, th-that's great... If you don't mind I think I'll go make Tali my love interest now...
Miranda: *Under her breath* boy is he in for a surprise when that suit comes off.


Tali: Joker, can we talk for a bit?
Joker: Sure, what's up Tali?
Tali: Well, this is kinda awkward.
Joker: Don't be silly you can always talk to me.
Tali: Well, you know how the commander and I are... well together, now?
Joker: Yes I noticed, I am very happy for you both.
Tali: I am very happy too, which I why I have to ask...
Joker: Yes?
Tali: Do you know Shepards first name? Noone ever told me and it seems kinda... wrong... to ask him his name after we already shared a bed.
Joker: ...Are you saying that "Commander" isn't his first name?

[fateofman]

AndersKrei wrote...
Tali: Joker, can we talk for a bit?
Joker: Sure, what's up Tali?
Tali: Well, this is kinda awkward.
Joker: Don't be silly you can always talk to me.
Tali: Well, you know how the commander and I are... well together, now?
Joker: Yes I noticed, I am very happy for you both.
Tali: I am very happy too, which I why I have to ask...
Joker: Yes?
Tali: Do you know Shepards first name? Noone ever told me and it seems kinda... wrong... to ask him his name after we already shared a bed.
Joker: ...Are you saying that "Commander" isn't his first name?

hah nice 1 dude  made me lol

[Aphillio]

Shepard: So Legion, why do you have a piece of my N7 armour attached to you?

Legion: There was a hole.

Shepard: I bet you have a lot of holes, don't you big boy?

Legion: ... I do not understand.

Shepard: Don't play dumb. Now, where should I put my "USB stick"?

Legion: ....Self destruct program enabled.

[stillnotking]

AndersKrei wrote...

Tali: Joker, can we talk for a bit?
Joker: Sure, what's up Tali?
Tali: Well, this is kinda awkward.
Joker: Don't be silly you can always talk to me.
Tali: Well, you know how the commander and I are... well together, now?
Joker: Yes I noticed, I am very happy for you both.
Tali: I am very happy too, which I why I have to ask...
Joker: Yes?
Tali: Do you know Shepards first name? Noone ever told me and it seems kinda... wrong... to ask him his name after we already shared a bed.
Joker: ...Are you saying that "Commander" isn't his first name?

Awesome. 

Edit: This actually reminds me of Robert B. Parker's Spenser novels (great, great books, if you like hard-boiled detective stories) .  No one ever seems to know Spenser's first name.

Modifié par stillnotking, 18 février 2010 - 02:17 .

[Akinra]

I would love it if the guys at Bioware could actually re-create some of these scenarios and add it as bonus content for ME3

[fateofman]

Akinra wrote...

I would love it if the guys at Bioware could actually re-create some of these scenarios and add it as bonus content for ME3

they may do, i know of some things that got put into the game due to the forums

[sagevallant]

fateofman wrote...

Akinra wrote...

I would love it if the guys at Bioware could actually re-create some of these scenarios and add it as bonus content for ME3

they may do, i know of some things that got put into the game due to the forums

You mean, like, Tali?

[Lilitv]

Shepard: *Walks towards the ad broadcasting thing*

Advertisement: Shepard, you have been dead.

Shepard: Gah! The ad talked to me! The Council is right... I am going crazy!

[fateofman]

sagevallant wrote...

fateofman wrote...

Akinra wrote...

I would love it if the guys at Bioware could actually re-create some of these scenarios and add it as bonus content for ME3

they may do, i know of some things that got put into the game due to the forums

You mean, like, Tali?

ha!

i originally meant blasto

[Llandaryn]

sagevallant wrote...

fateofman wrote...

Akinra wrote...

I would love it if the guys at Bioware could actually re-create some of these scenarios and add it as bonus content for ME3

they may do, i know of some things that got put into the game due to the forums

You mean, like, Tali?

That's the funniest thing in the whole thread!

[Arhka]

Legion: Creator Tali'Zorah?



Tali: Yes, Legion?



Legion: You left one of your suit seals on the upper decks.



Tali: Thanks Legion, wait where'd you get that?



Legion: No data available.

[TekFanX]

WOW! Great thread...and I'm happy to see that I'm not the only crazy person here.



At the crash-side of the hugo gurnsback:

Jacobs father saying something through the speakers.

Jacob:"...Son of a ****!"

Shepard:"Erm...Jacob...doesn't that make your grandma a **** and yourself the grandson of a ****?"

Jacob:"I'm good, Shepard."

Shepard raises an eye-brow, goes a bit further away from Jacob:"Okayy..."

____

Renegade-Situation:

Shepard's Normandy, tuned with reaper-tech and with EDI on board enters the remote space-sector the reapers used to meet after reaching the milky-way.

Geth-Ships enter the system and a krogan boarding-squad enters the bridge, waiting for orders from Shepard.

Two officers in the back of the bridge are looking at shepards glowing eyes, then one starts talking:"Well...I think it's better to work for the rouge spectre with geth and krogan who is glowing red, instead of blue."

___

Paragon:

Shepard enters the AI-Core.

Some adjustments with the omnitool and Legion boots up.

Shepard:"Do you understand me?"

Legion:"..."

Shepard:"I asked, if you understand me?"

Legion:"...?"

Shepard:"Brbeeep drrt beep?"`

Legion:"Beep drt beep drrt deeet drrrt."

Shepard:"Beep."

...

___

Shepard:"Why did you fix that hole with my armor?"

Legion:"There was a hole?"

Shepard:"As you mention it: There IS a hole!

One I can stick my arm through!

You're a geth, your people build space-stations, fleets of ships and house programs to build everything the quarians have invented before you rebelled.

Why did you wield some armor on your arm, but didn't fix the giant hole in your chest?

I mean, there was the wreck of the most advanced frigate of the alliance that fought the "Old Machine" under my command so there should have been plenty of material to use."

Legion:"No data found."

_________________________

TOILET-HUMOR!

Random toilet on omega, shepard enters the room, a deep voice is heard from one of the cabins:

Voice:"Under great pain and stress: Nnnnngggghhhhh."

Shepards face forms a mask of terror.

Voice:"Pressing with all possible might: GRRGGGGNNNNHHH."

Gasses erupt from the cabin, shepard tries to escape the room and runs in disgust.

A loud "KLONK" can be heard.

Voice:"Reliefed and happy: Tomorrow I'll have ramen again."

_____________________________

Copyright-Chaos



Engineer Commander Ash Shepard enters the battlefield:

Shepard:"DRONE! GET THEM." A random holographic pokèball hovers arround and throws lightnings at enemies.

Shepard:"Krogan! GET THEM!!!"

Grunt:"KROGAN!!!"

Miranda lies in a corner, sobbing while curling into a ball:"I shouldn't have used that ancient game-module to fill up the gaps in his neural cortex..."

___________________________

Toilet-Humor SR2



Shepard is talking with Gabby and Ken.

Shepard looks over to Tali, once again she doesn't notice much since she is lost in her work.

Suddenly her frame tenses, a light at her butt starts to flash:"Fffrrrrtt..."

[Clavat Veloth]

stillnotking wrote...

(After recruiting Harbinger in Mass Effect 3 with a massive Paragon persuade, Shepard travels to the Citadel to prove Reapers exist.)

C-SEC OFFICER: Just a moment, sir, we need to scan you.  We've tightened security again.

SHEPARD: Because I might have a Reaper with me, right?  Ha ha ha.

C-SEC OFFICER: Oh, no.  There are no such things as Reapers.

HARBINGER: THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS REAPERS.

C-SEC OFFICER: Is your friend all right?  He seems a little strange.  Anyway, I was saying, there are no -- ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL.  OF COURSE THERE ARE REAPERS AND I AM AN IDIOT LIKE MOST ORGANICS.  *begins punching herself in the face*  I KNOW THIS HURTS ME.

SHEPARD: Dammit, Harb, I told you to stop doing that until we meet the Turian councilor.

This one is just so great. Love reading this at work.

[Arhka]

Joker: You know, I have every key on my interface, except for one. Why is that EDI?



EDI: Cerberus felt that adding Z to the interface would put the Normandy at risk to unnecessary damage.

[ODST 3]

FemShepard: [motions for a stiff drink]
MaleShepard: I wouldn't. That bastard serves you green poison. [Grabs bartender] Drink it, you alien ******!!!
Batarian: Arggh! [dies]
FemShepard: [raises eyebrows suggestively] Mmmm. You know... I could use someone like you on my... crew.
MaleShepard: Can't, I'm on a mission to save the galaxy.
FemShepard: So am I.
Grunt: My people have a saying, seek the enemy of your enemy and you'll find-
FemShepard+MaleShepard: Wrex beat you to it, just like he beats you in every other way.
FemShepard: It's a partnership meant to be.
Garrus: Are you sure about this Commander?
FemShepard: Why don't you go "calibrate" your "weapon?" I've got a new LI.
MaleShepard: Hell yeah.
Tali: But Shepard, I though we had something!
MaleShepard: Shut up, bltch. I get just as much satisfaction making out with you as I would with a windshield.

Modifié par ODST 3, 18 février 2010 - 07:09 .

[ODST 3]

LadyPaine wrote...

(Femshep walks around the Normandy getting to know her crew and squadmates, she inters the Armory to chat with Jacob.)

Femshep: Hi Jacob. What's up?
Jacob: Shepard, I'm not big on fratranization.
Femshep: .......I just said hey.....
Jacob: SHEPARD, I'm not going to sleep with you after just meeting you!
Femshep: ......wha
Jacob: Marriage Shepard!? This is going way too fast!
Femshep: Wait, What!? Dude, I just said hi.
Jacob: And now you want to have kids!?
Femshep: Goodbye Jacob.

(And now Femshep goes through her mission to save the galaxy, never speaking with Jacob again....)

Don't blame Jacob for the way that relationship progresses. It's all femshep and her provocative voice.

[TekFanX]

Why romancing Thane is a baaad idea:



Warning: BAD TOILET-HUMOR!



Fem-Shep:"So Thane, what was your day like."

Thane:"Entering the bath...steam hovering from my beloveds shower. Choking of the wetness in the air. Coughing slime.

Sit on the toilet. Coldness...

Cramping...got diarrhea again...flopping...spraying. Everythings covered...soft feeling of the toilet-paper soaking up what is stuck to my scales. Passing the sink, forgetting to use it...how dare I?!"

A short moment of silence.

Thane turns arround:"I cooked you something Shepard. Hope you like it. By the way...you shouldn't enter the bathroom in your cabin."

Shepard throws up.

[sagevallant]

(Over the Intercom)



Black Shepard: Excuse me, everyone, I need a minute of your time. You know my bro, Jacob.



Jacob: Word.



Black Shepard: We have a few policy changes to discuss. Firstly, y'all need to stop touching my Normandy. There's a scratch in the paint. Now I'm not saying any names, GRUNT and LEGION, but you are technically the only ones strong enough to actually do damage.



Jacob: Stop touchin' mah ride, byotch!



Black Shepard: Thanks Jacob. Second, we need to address the dress code.



Jacob: Where da white women at?



Black Shepard: Easy, bro. Right, from tomorrow on I expect Miranda and Samara to borrow clothes from Jack. Tattoos optional. Kelly, this goes for you, too. Tali, I'll need a Doctor's note to exempt you.



Mordin: Thorough examination necessary. Will prepare sterile environment. Isolated location.



Jacob: That's whack!



Black Shepard: Okay, seriously, stop being a stereotype Jacob.



Jacob: What'chu talkin' about, Shepard?

[Nonsense4]

Aria T'Loak: Omega has no titled ruler and ONLY ONE rule: Don't f*ck with Aria!



Shepard, shrugging: That's fine. My taste doesn't run to psychopathic asari anyway.

[That One Display Name]

Dr. Peter Venkman wrote...

If a tree falls on Miranda in the middle of Horizon...why was there a kitchen in the middle of Horizon?

^Win!

[HalfBlindRat]

On the shuttle with Miranda and Jacob.

Miranda: =Okay shephard, something more recent. When a new council was formed, who did you make councilor, andersson or Udina?

Shephard: What tha hell you talking about? I am the council, Udina and Andersson can kiss my ass. Now we can actually do something about the reapers.

[HalfBlindRat]

Dr. Peter Venkman wrote...

If a tree falls on Miranda in the middle of Horizon...why was there a kitchen in the middle of Horizon?

 
Shephard needs his combat sandwich, yes?
Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiich