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[Hatire]

Garrus: Shepard, I have something important to tell you.

MaleShep: Yo what is it Garrus? You can tell me anything bro, we've been through hell and back man. Illos, Noveria, Feros, Omega, and Sovereign. We've kicked everything this goddam galaxy has thrown at us, and Tali was there cheering us on to.

Garrus: I know why the Turian Councilor hates you and never believes a word you say.

MaleShep: Great, lay it on me.

Garrus: Remember that story I told you about that scout? Reach and versatility. Well, that was his daughter.

MaleShep: OMG, you ****. All this time and you reveal this crap to me now? Off my ship!!!!

[DeltaIV]

Shepard: "Look at this wreckage. 120 billion credits of element zero in the Tantalus drive core, reduced to a few little boxes in the snow. 20 dog togs is all I have of my crew. The only thing left of my XO is a tear-jerking datapad... my Mako appears to be intact, but look at the command center, it's trashed! What I'm sayin' is, is... please, Illusive Man! Pimp my ride!"

[Kelmen Wong]

I'm gonna screw the doctor, she so lonely... and lovely....

[Llandaryn]

MaleShep: Hey Garrus, you got a minute to talk?

Garrus: Can it wait? I've got to calibrate these weapons.

MaleShep: What?! You've been calibrating them for weeks, man.

Garrus: Oh, MaleShep, it's you. Thank your human god. I thought for a moment there you were one of the FemSheps. They've been harassing me constantly.

MaleShep: That bad, is it?

Garrus: Honestly, I tried locking the door, but they tricked EDI into opening it. They wait for me out in the corridors when I leave this place to go to bed, so now I just stay in here. I haven't visited the rest rooms in six days. I have to get Jacob to bring my food down here... he's the only one they won't touch. The other day they almost ripped Thane's clothes from his body, and yesterday one of them pounced on Tali and asked her how she felt about FemShep/Tali romances.

MaleShep: Want me to have a quiet word with them for you?

Garrus: Would you? That would be so great.

MaleShep: No problem. Anything for you, buddy.

Garrus: Shepard. Can you do me another favour?

MaleShep: Sure. What is it?

Garrus: Have a word with Mordin, too. He keeps coming down here with pots of lotions and a hopeful gleam in his eye. Quite frankly, it freaks me out.

[sagevallant]

Male Shep: Garrus!

Garrus: Can it wait? I'm in the middle of--

Male Shep: That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. I was just thinking that, you know, it might help if we actually FIRED the cannon once or twice.

Garrus: Help?

Male Shep: Right. So we know that it's actually WORKING before we try to take on the Collector ship again.

Garrus: B-b-but... then I wouldn't get to c-c-calibrate. (pouts)

Male Shep: Oh, fine, do it the long way. Me and the guys are going in to port to see if we can't get some tail. You want to come, too?

Garrus: Can it wait? I'm in the middle of calibrating these guns.

Male Shep: .... You're a technophile, aren't you. The armor should've tipped me off.

Garrus: What? No!

(door opens) Legion: You wanted to talk to me, Garrus-Master?

Garrus: Hiiiii Legion. Whatcha doing?

Male Shep: (facepalm)

[Nightwriter]

Shepard, Tali, and Miranda walk past the assistant’s desk on Illium and into Liara’s office. Hearing them enter, Liara looks up from her work and stands quickly.
 
Liara: Shepard!
 
As Shepard walks forward, she takes his hand and the two share an awkward face nuzzle/kiss of intimacy.
 
Tali: What the f***. We’re standing right here.
Miranda: Wait, there was something going on between them?
Tali: Yes. And we’re still here, you guys. HELLO.
 
Shepard and Liara continue to nuzzle.
 
Miranda: You knew about this, Tali?
Tali: It happened in the first game.
Miranda: Why has there been absolutely no mention of this?
Tali: I don’t have any dialogue for it.
Miranda: Then how do you know it even happened? If a romance falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it—
 
Completely ignoring the other two as if they do not exist, Liara pulls away from the kiss, shakes her head, and turns away.
 
Miranda: What the hell was that supposed to be? Does she not like Shepard anymore?
Tali: Maybe she’ll explain it.
Liara: Shepard, I could use your help on a personal mission…
Miranda: … Or not.
Tali: That was weird.
Liara: It’s a matter of some importance to me…
Miranda: Liara, what the hell. You can’t just move on from that. What was with that kiss? Do you still love Shepard or not? Why are you acting this way? You guys had a romance.
Liara: Shepard, I’m going after the Shadow Broker. He hurt a personal friend of mine and I want payback.
Miranda: Hey! HELLO! Paging Liara T’soni! What the hell was with that kiss? The love of your life is back from the dead! HELLO!
Liara: You’ll need to access specific terminals throughout Nos Astra. Once you hack them they’ll only stay open for a limited period of time…
Miranda: What the hell is this b*tch going on about?
 
Tali: Liara, it’s me, Tali. Remember? We saved the galaxy together? You know me. Hello?
Liara: So I’ll need someone with hacking experience. I could use your help with this, Shepard.
Tali: Can she hear us?
Shepard: How did you get involved with the Shadow Broker?
Liara: It was after you were dead, Shepard. I didn’t want to tell you, but… I’m the one who gave your body to Cerberus.
Miranda: Uh, yeah. You gave his body TO ME. Remember? It’s Miranda. You know who I am. We negotiated a deal. I’m standing right here.
Liara: I just couldn’t live with the thought of losing you, Shepard… so I gave you to Cerberus…
Miranda: ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE, YOU B*TCH!!!
Liara: I couldn’t not try to save you…
Tali: Well what the hell does that mean?! Do you still have feelings for him or not?! Pick one, you flip-flopping cow!
 
Shepard: Liara, come with me. On my mission. I could use you.
Liara: The galaxy doesn’t work that way, Shepard.
Tali: The f*** is that supposed to mean?  
Miranda: It doesn’t mean anything!! NOTHING!! IT MEANS NOTHING!! IT MAKES NO LOGICAL SENSE!!!
Liara: I have to find the Shadow Broker first. I have duties here… this is my job now and it’s too important to go with you to save the galaxy…
Miranda: This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my freaking life!!
Tali: I made time!! I’m going with him!! There’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t!!
Miranda: LOOK AT US WHEN WE’RE TALKING TO YOU!!!
Liara: I’m busy threatening to flay people alive and handing out stupid sidequests now, Shepard…
Tali: IF YOU DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE US IN THE NEXT FREAKING SECOND WE ARE GOING TO F*ING KILL YOU!!!
Liara: My assistant has gathered some info on the Shadow—
 
Liara’s last words are cut off with a muffled gasp as Miranda and Tali dive headlong past Shepard and over the desk, tackling her and dragging her to the ground in a flurry of swinging fists.

[AndersKrei]

@ Llandryn. Good one, the meta-game jokes usually don't get me, but the comment about Jakob was just pure gold. In fact it inspired this:

MaleShepard: Garus, we need to talk...
Garus: Shepard! I don't know what you did but the FemSheps have stopped harassing me, thank you!
MaleShepard: Oh right, that was nothing... I just convinced them to go have a try with Samara, and if they didn't like it then I would help them get to you.
Garus: But Shepard... we swapped Samara for Morinth when we went to Omega, I was there!
MaleShepard: Exactly.
Garus: What do you ... OH! Well... atleast they died happy...
MaleShepard: Yead that's always something... but we really do need to talk Garus.
Garus: Sure Shepard, what's up?
MaleShepard: Someone modded the game...
Garus: Sweet! Please tell me they mede it so the guns don't need calibrating three times an hour.
MaleShepard: I wish... no they made it so that you can romance all the possible love interests, no matter what gender your Shepard is...
Garus: Well that is kinda... weird, but I don't see why you are so upset over it.
MaleShepard: Garus... *Sighs* want to go have a... "Tiebreaker"... in my private cabine?
Garus:

(Continued from my last post)
Tali: Dr. Chakwas, can I ask you something?
Dr. Chakwas: Ofcourse dear, what is it?
Tali: Do you know Shepards first name?
Dr. Chakwas: ...
Tali: I asked Joker, but he doesn't know, so I turn to you.
Dr. Chakwas: ...
Tali: You are the only one aboard who has known Shepard for as long as Joker.
Dr. Chakwas: ...
Tali: Dr. Chakwas? Are you okay?
Dr. Chakwas: I'm sorry dear, I just realised that I have no idea what MY first name is...
Tali: You mean "Doctor" isn't your first name?  (Or  since it is Tali)

[Jarcander]

ODST 3 wrote...

Tali: But Shepard, I though we had something!
MaleShepard: Shut up, bltch. I get just as much satisfaction making out with you as I would with a windshield.

This crude, wrong and funneee at the same time.

*Shepard is touring new Normandy with Miranda and Jacob for the first time*

Miranda: ...and this is the hangar. As you can see it is much larger than in original Normandy.
Shepard: Nice, but where's my ride.
Miranda: I... don't quite understand. The shuttle is over there.
Shepard: No, Mako, where is it? Can't kill all those Colossus's without one.
Miranda: Ah, well now you don't need one because you can land of planet with this shuttle that can comfortably hold three...
Shepard: But I can't drive over all of those geth without one, now can I? We need to get one asap. And looks like there is enough room for it.
Miranda: No we can't have one. Seriously, where would you even use it on?
Shepard: Like planets...
Miranda: Well I don't know where you have been, priviously but planets don't generally have open spaces for you speed on! It would be of no use!
Shepard: How about moon?
Miranda: No. No wasting time on that.
Shepard: Mars.
Miranda: No, and you can't have a Mako either.
Shepard: Aww.
Jacob: Hey commander. I really liked that story where you pursued the rogue Spectre from Ilos to Citadel in a Mako.
Miranda: EXCEPTIONAL case scenario.
Shepard: And she says it wouldn't be useful... fine, say what, we turn this extra hangar space into a lounge then.
Jacob: I'm with you commander.

Modifié par Jarcander, 19 février 2010 - 09:35 .

[Sword of Knowledge]

Miranda: Humans are the only race that matters, the Quarians somehow betrayed US, despite the fact we blew up one of their ships, I'm absolutely perfect in every way -



Shepard: I've had enough of your ignorant, narcissistic, bigotted, war-crime confessing assertions!



*PAWNCH!*

[Llandaryn]

AndersKrei wrote...

@ Llandryn. Good one, the meta-game jokes usually don't get me, but the comment about Jakob was just pure gold. In fact it inspired this:

MaleShepard: Garus, we need to talk...
Garus: Shepard! I don't know what you did but the FemSheps have stopped harassing me, thank you!
MaleShepard: Oh right, that was nothing... I just convinced them to go have a try with Samara, and if they didn't like it then I would help them get to you.
Garus: But Shepard... we swapped Samara for Morinth when we went to Omega, I was there!
MaleShepard: Exactly.
Garus: What do you ... OH! Well... atleast they died happy...
MaleShepard: Yead that's always something... but we really do need to talk Garus.
Garus: Sure Shepard, what's up?
MaleShepard: Someone modded the game...
Garus: Sweet! Please tell me they mede it so the guns don't need calibrating three times an hour.
MaleShepard: I wish... no they made it so that you can romance all the possible love interests, no matter what gender your Shepard is...
Garus: Well that is kinda... weird, but I don't see why you are so upset over it.
MaleShepard: Garus... *Sighs* want to go have a... "Tiebreaker"... in my private cabine?
Garus:

Haha, I considered that one too, but figured it would be too cruel to make MaleShep hit on Garrus after all the FemSheps.

[Sailears]

Gabey5 wrote...

(Liara's recruitment in ME1)
Liara: "Hello? Is anyone there? I'm a young, virgin,asari, trapped, hovering field
Shepard: "Dear Diary... JACKPOT."

LOL.

[Jarcander]

And this is why I don't think ME3 is just old comrades from ME1 and two.

*importing a renegade Shepard to ME3*

*scarred grinning Shep materializes and looks around*

Shepard: Hello?

*silence*

*walks around Normandy and finally finds Joker*

Shepard: What's up Joker? How's the arm?
Joker: Really funny, commander. Just be glad EDI does most of the work cos we haven't got many crew left.
Shepard: Right, nice chatting with you.

*goes down to crew section*

Shepard: Dr Chakwas, sup?
Chakwas: *icily* Commander.
Shepard: *sigh* So *fantastic* to be back.

[Maj.Pain007]

great stuff.

[TekFanX]

Anyone noticed, that with all the callibrations Garrus has done ot the normandy's weaponry, Shepard should be clearly able to snipe the whole reaper-fleet away before they enter the galaxy, even if they are shielded?

[sagevallant]

TekFanX wrote...

Anyone noticed, that with all the callibrations Garrus has done ot the normandy's weaponry, Shepard should be clearly able to snipe the whole reaper-fleet away before they enter the galaxy, even if they are shielded?

Actually, a completely powered-down fleet--no need for life support since they're machines, y'know?--would be virtually IMPOSSIBLE to find in empty space. Since the only realistic way to find ships in space would be their emissions. Which makes stealth spaceships pretty impractical; Bioware actually did it right with the heat-sink system... that's the best way. And by "best" I mean "scientifically improbable". Like stealth bombers being almost invisible to radar but not the eye, it's about evading the detection systems.

It's like the "space is cold" thing... yeah, it's cold. But think about this; are you going to die faster in 30 degree Fahrenheit water or 30 degree air? Water. Much, much faster. Why? The density of water molecules vs air molecules; water transmits heat much better. You NEED the molecules to strip the heat from you. So, while you actually will freeze to death in space... you're going to die from depressurization and the lack of air first.

[Andorfiend]

Gabey5 wrote...

Shepard: "Ash! C'mon, we're going to save the galaxy again."
Ashley: "No way, Commander. You're working for Cerberus. I'm an Alliance soldier. It's in my blood."
Shepard:"Yeah, this place looks a lot like Eden Prime. Remember that? You were
an Alliance soldier there, too. Looks like you're two for two, Chief.
Maybe you should reflect on what's in your blood. Like your grandfather
at Shanxi. Yeah, that's right, I went there. How's that Alliance
soldier thing working out for you?"
Ashley: "Waaaaah!" *runs away crying*
Shepard: "That's why I ****ed Liara instead of you, you frigid *****!"

+20 Renegade!

[Nightwriter]

Sebastian_G wrote...

The effects of Reaper indoctrination on the Normandy crew during the Reaper IFF mission:

Shepard: Hey Garrus did I tell you about that one time when me and a female scout settled a contest in her quarters. I had reach, she had flexibility.

Garrus: What the hell Shepard, those are my memories.

Grunt: I hope you didn't forget about my twin sister Shepard. We must protect her from my father.

Shepard: Grunt, you don't have any twin sister, you were tank-bred and your "father" Warlord Okeer is dead.

Garrus: Holy **** Shepard did you see Saren appearing and disappearing in the corner of the room??!!

Shepard: "O Captain my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
          The ship has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won,
          The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
          While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;"

EDI: The commanding officer is ashore, XO Pressly has the deck.

Joker: Destiny Ascension, this is the Normandy, you are clear of Geth ships.

Miranda: I! AM! KROGAN!
 
Tali: Shepard, my whole team was betrayed by a turian named Sidonis. We must go find him and take revenge so I can demonstrate how much darker and edgier my character has become.
 
Thane: Cerberus lets me wh0re around in this outfit. It makes my boobs look bigger and draws in more male gamers.
 
Mess Sergeant Gardner: This suit is my prison. I can never touch a flower with bare fingers. I can never—
 
Jacob: SEND YOUR FLEET IN!!!
 
Kelly: This one does not understand why its honorable companions are stating contradictions of this one’s humble accounting of reality.
 
Jack: Garrus looks like he’s been through so much. I just want to hold him close and tell him everything will be all right.

Space hamster: ENEMY IS EVERYWHERE!!!
 
Samara: Why is my Little Wing handing out pointless sidequests on Illium instead of going after the Reapers to avenge my death?
 
Shepard: Joker! Does this make any sense to you??
 
Joker: Shepard, if this was about sex, maybe you should just f*ing say so.
 
Shepard: Mordin!! What the hell is going on?! Can you do something about this??
 
Mordin: Ah, hello, human! You want many good supplies, yes?

[Frotality]

"Mordin: Ah, hello, human! You want many good supplies, yes? "



:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:


TOO funny.......

[Nightwriter]

Miranda: We’ll need a biotic to hold the shield, Commander.
Shepard: I’m a biotic.
Jack: Did someone just hear something?
Jacob: No.
Shepard: I’m a vanguard. I have biotic abilities.
Samara: Might be the wind.
Miranda: Anyway, Shepard will need to pick one of us biotics to do this.
Shepard: What do you mean, “us” biotics? I’m a biotic, too.
Jack: There was that noise again. What was that?
Jacob: I don’t know. I didn’t hear anything.
Thane: So, it will be down to one of us biotics to keep the swarms at bay…
Shepard: I’m a biotic!! I have biotic powers!!
Jack: There!! I could’ve sworn I heard something!
Jacob: No. No, I’m certain it was nothing.
Shepard: I’m a powerful biotic and I can do all the things you guys can do!!
Samara: Commander, this isn’t a simple soldier’s job, you’ll need a biotic to do this, someone who doesn’t only use guns in cutscenes.
Shepard: F***.

Modifié par Nightwriter, 20 février 2010 - 09:29 .

[Reptilian Rob]

Illusive man: "You need to help us, defeat the collectors and gain humanities dominance in the galaxy "



Shepard (Me): "**** that and **** you, I've been dead for two years and I'm done with all this malarkey! The Reapers can screw you all, especially that Turian ass on the council! Later player hater"!

[Reptilian Rob]

Hatire wrote...

Garrus: Shepard, I have something important to tell you.
MaleShep: Yo what is it Garrus? You can tell me anything bro, we've been through hell and back man. Illos, Noveria, Feros, Omega, and Sovereign. We've kicked everything this goddam galaxy has thrown at us, and Tali was there cheering us on to.
Garrus: I know why the Turian Councilor hates you and never believes a word you say.
MaleShep: Great, lay it on me.
Garrus: Remember that story I told you about that scout? Reach and versatility. Well, that was his daughter.
MaleShep: OMG, you ****. All this time and you reveal this crap to me now? Off my ship!!!!

HAHA, epic.

[Lilitv]

Shepard: Have you got a minute to talk?

Mordin: Yes. Was hoping you would stop by. Ran thousands of simulations. Determining best way to fight Reapers. Believe have found one.

Shepard: Let's hear it.

Mordin: *Turns computer screen to Shepard*

*The video shows a large screen and speakers in outer space, right in front of the Reaper horde. On the screen is a certain turian*

Customs Turian: You Reapers are all racist!

Reaper#1: Oh no! He is right! Our crusades against organics... They were just excuses for genocide and slavery!

Reaper#2: And we sterotype all organics as being too mentally incapable to understand abstract concepts.

Reaper#1: We have to go back and rethink our existence. I'm so ashamed of myself.

[Aradace]

Gabey5 wrote...


Thane: "His eyes water. He tugs at my sleeve. He asks, 'Why didn't
you stop them from letting Mommy go?' ... I'm sorry. The memories come
strong sometimes."
Shepard: "His eyes unfocus. He babbles something
about his son, completely disrupting the conversation. He cryptically
half-apologizes and expects me to figure out what's going on."
Thane:"We drell have a perfect memory. We can relive... The laser dances.
Sunset eyes meet mine. The laser dances away. 'How dare you?' her eyes
ask through the scope...."
Shepard: "Bored with the conversation, he
changes the subject. He uses poor metaphors like 'sunset eyes.' He
tries to impress me with pseudo-poetry. He fails miserably and
protests."
Thane: "Stop mocking me, Shep--- My finger tightens on
the trigger. The rifle recoils, an old friend coming home. The target
drops like a rag doll--- I can't help it and you're being a dick."
Shepard:"His stupid flashbacks thinly veil empty threats. He sits alone in life
support and wonders why no one likes him. He struggles to breathe
sometimes, but no one cares." *walks out*

You sir, win the prize lol...Not sure what this is yet but give us time, we'll figure it out

[AndersKrei]

Shepard: Hello ladies, I couldn't help overhearing that you are having some sort of problem.
Asari: Yes we are, the people in customs won't let us leave the Citadel.
Shepard: I see, and why is that?
Asari: They seem to think we are Geth infiltrators.
Shepard: ...Geth infiltrators?
Legion: Geth do not...
Shepard: Yes yes I know Legion. So let me get this straight... they believe that you are Geth infiltrators?
Asari: Yes
Shepard: The kind of infiltrators who do espionage and sabotage I presume?
Asari: Probably.
Shepard: And they figured that the best way to neutralize the threat of espionage and sabotage was to prevent you from leaving the economic and political center of the galaxy?
Asari: That is about the gist of it.
Shepard: ...
Legion: Sometimes we wonder how the organics ever made it this far.
Shepard: Yeah, me too Legion.


Tali: Shepard can we talk for a bit?
Shepard: Anything for you my dear.
Tali: You know I had a wonderful time with you before we entered the Omega 4 relay.
Shepard: I rather enjoyed it too, as you may recall.
Tali: Well Shepard, I think it is time for us to take our relationship to the next level!
Shepard: But... we already did something which is way more intimate than the most intimate thing your species ever do with each-other. What level could possibly be higher than that?
Tali: I want you to tell me...
Shepard: What? That I love you? Because I do! That I want to marry you? Because I do! What do you need to hear?
Tali: What... is your first name?
Shepard: