Kelly: Commander, you have unread messages at your terminal.
Shepard: Give me a quick run down of the messages.
Kelly: Well, Admiral Hackett wants you to investigate the Normandy crash site.....
Shepard: Aha
Kelly: Theres an email about a colony about to be destroyed by a missle....
Shepard: Aha
Kelly: Theres one about a blood pack gang base.....
Shepard: Aha
Kelly:.....and theres one about your lover leaving you for a krogan because your.....well.....''bits'' were too small.....
*Shepard's eyes widen. He enters a drell-like trance. A look of loss,shame and dissapointment appears on his face all at once.....*
Kelly:.......Commander?....
*Shepard snaps out of his trance*
Shepard: Keep that one and mark the rest as spam.
If You Were Commander Shepard...............!!!
Débuté par
Gabey5
, févr. 10 2010 04:45
Retour en haut
#452
Posté 20 février 2010 - 02:19
stillnotking
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GARRUS: ... so later on we held a tiebreaker in my quarters. I had reach, she had flexibility.
SHEPARD: Ha ha! Garrus, you dog!
GARRUS: What do you mean, Commander?
SHEPARD: Tiebreaker in your quarters, huh? I get it, man, you ****ed her.
GARRUS: Of course not! We had a game of Twister as a tiebreaker. It was a close one too. I can't believe your mind went there, Commander.
SHEPARD: What? Come on, you obviously meant... I mean, I'm sorry if I...
GARRUS: I think you should go. I don't want you talking to Tali any more either, you're a bad influence.
SHEPARD: ...
SHEPARD: Ha ha! Garrus, you dog!
GARRUS: What do you mean, Commander?
SHEPARD: Tiebreaker in your quarters, huh? I get it, man, you ****ed her.
GARRUS: Of course not! We had a game of Twister as a tiebreaker. It was a close one too. I can't believe your mind went there, Commander.
SHEPARD: What? Come on, you obviously meant... I mean, I'm sorry if I...
GARRUS: I think you should go. I don't want you talking to Tali any more either, you're a bad influence.
SHEPARD: ...
#453
Posté 20 février 2010 - 03:16
Llandaryn
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*In ME3, the Council send one of their top Spectre agents to the Normandy, to help Shepard in his battle against the Reapers*
--Female turian Spectre boards Normandy for the first time--
Spectre: Commander Shepard, it's a pleasure to meet y... what, Garrus? What are you doing here?
Garrus: Argh! You're a Spectre? I thought you stayed in the military.
Spectre: No, I got fed up with ship-life.
Shepard: Wait a minute. This is flexi-girl?
Spectre: What?! You told everyone about that?
Garrus: Not everyone. Just Shepard.
Spectre: Well, I suppose that's okay. Shepard is a fellow Spectre, after all. I suppose he should know something about me.
Garrus: I might have mentioned it to Jacob once or twice.
Spectre: !
Garrus: He got me drunk! And... um... once I played truth or dare with Tali and the whole thing might have come up then too. And I also might have slipped up and announced it to Joker. Whilst... um... his finger was on the 'ship internal comms' button.
Spectre: !!
Garrus: Excuse me, I have to go... um... calibrate the weapons...
*Garrus hurries out*
Shepard: You should know that I run a very tight ship, here. We don't do things like you turians... I expect everybody on the ship to concentrate fully on their tasks. No distractions, no being intimate with each other. That sort of thing only ends badly.
Spectre: Fine with me.
*Mordin sticks his head around the door*
Mordin: Ah, Shepard! Have brought you cure for scale-itch. Would recommend de-lousing varren next time, prior to inter-species experiments. Have also forwarded you diagrams of comfortable positions for both you and varren. Have fun.
Shepard: Aha... ha... um... yeah I'm gonna go help Garrus with those weapons.
*Shepard flees*
--Female turian Spectre boards Normandy for the first time--
Spectre: Commander Shepard, it's a pleasure to meet y... what, Garrus? What are you doing here?
Garrus: Argh! You're a Spectre? I thought you stayed in the military.
Spectre: No, I got fed up with ship-life.
Shepard: Wait a minute. This is flexi-girl?
Spectre: What?! You told everyone about that?
Garrus: Not everyone. Just Shepard.
Spectre: Well, I suppose that's okay. Shepard is a fellow Spectre, after all. I suppose he should know something about me.
Garrus: I might have mentioned it to Jacob once or twice.
Spectre: !
Garrus: He got me drunk! And... um... once I played truth or dare with Tali and the whole thing might have come up then too. And I also might have slipped up and announced it to Joker. Whilst... um... his finger was on the 'ship internal comms' button.
Spectre: !!
Garrus: Excuse me, I have to go... um... calibrate the weapons...
*Garrus hurries out*
Shepard: You should know that I run a very tight ship, here. We don't do things like you turians... I expect everybody on the ship to concentrate fully on their tasks. No distractions, no being intimate with each other. That sort of thing only ends badly.
Spectre: Fine with me.
*Mordin sticks his head around the door*
Mordin: Ah, Shepard! Have brought you cure for scale-itch. Would recommend de-lousing varren next time, prior to inter-species experiments. Have also forwarded you diagrams of comfortable positions for both you and varren. Have fun.
Shepard: Aha... ha... um... yeah I'm gonna go help Garrus with those weapons.
*Shepard flees*
#454
Posté 20 février 2010 - 06:24
Kajan451
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Tali: And it's a defense mechanism, and it's stupid and...People who...who just see the helmet can't see my expression, so I have to make it clear...what I'm...
*Shepard unhooks facemask*
Tali: ...feeling...
Shepard: Urm,... uhhh...
*sees Talis face and puts facemask back on Tali*
Shepard: On second thought... this.. uhhh... I mean you could get all sick and... uhhhh... well... i need you healthy.... erm... how about i call you up.... errrr... later. Yeah.. uhhh... later, okay?
Tali: But i don't...
Shepard: No really... i will call... i promise.
-------------------------------------
Aria: ... Only one rule. Don't fu** with Aria.
Shepard: So i guess that means your no Love Interrest?
Aria: Wait... what?
-------------------------------------
Aria: ... Only one rule. Don't fu** with Aria.
Shepard: Well you know, thats to bad. So far i either fu**ed or killed all Asari I met. You sure you don't want me to **** you?
--------------------------------------
Aria: ... Only one rule. Don't fu** with Aria.
Shepard: Man, that must be one lonely life....
*Shepard unhooks facemask*
Tali: ...feeling...
Shepard: Urm,... uhhh...
*sees Talis face and puts facemask back on Tali*
Shepard: On second thought... this.. uhhh... I mean you could get all sick and... uhhhh... well... i need you healthy.... erm... how about i call you up.... errrr... later. Yeah.. uhhh... later, okay?
Tali: But i don't...
Shepard: No really... i will call... i promise.
-------------------------------------
Aria: ... Only one rule. Don't fu** with Aria.
Shepard: So i guess that means your no Love Interrest?
Aria: Wait... what?
-------------------------------------
Aria: ... Only one rule. Don't fu** with Aria.
Shepard: Well you know, thats to bad. So far i either fu**ed or killed all Asari I met. You sure you don't want me to **** you?
--------------------------------------
Aria: ... Only one rule. Don't fu** with Aria.
Shepard: Man, that must be one lonely life....
Modifié par Kajan451, 20 février 2010 - 09:14 .
#455
Posté 20 février 2010 - 08:11
Akinra
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Kajan451 wrote...
Aria: ... Only one rule. Don't fu** with Aria.
Shepard: So i guess that means your no Love Interrest?
Aria: Wait... what?
-------------------------------------
Aria: ... Only one rule. Don't fu** with Aria.
Shepard: Well you know, thats to bad. So far i either fu**ed or killed all Asari I met. You sure you don't want me to **** you?
--------------------------------------
Aria: ... Only one rule. Don't fu** with Aria.
Shepard: Man, that must be one lonely life....
Brilliant! Just brilliant! I love this thread
#456
Posté 20 février 2010 - 09:13
Andorfiend
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stillnotking wrote...
UVENK: This is an outrage! This false krogan cannot undergo the Rite --
SHEPARD: *headbutts Uvenk*
SHAMAN: Ah ha ha ha! I like this human! He understands!
SHEPARD: *headbutts Shaman*
GRUNT: Shepard, are you sure you should --
SHEPARD: *headbutts Grunt*
MIRANDA: WTF, Shepard?
SHEPARD: Can't... stop... too much... awesome... BRING MORE KROGAN, MY FOREHEAD HUNGERS!
Those last three words have never before been uttered in that order in human history. Not even on Invader Zim.
#457
Posté 20 février 2010 - 09:21
DarkNova50
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Dantius Towers. Illium.
Garrus: Let's pick up the pace! We just need to cross that bridge.
Shepard: ...
Miranda: What's wrong, Shepard?
Shepard: I suppose this is a really bad time to mention my crippling fear of heights.
Miranda: ...what.
Garrus: Shepard, I watched you run up the length of the Citadel Tower, gunning down Geth and punching Krogan in the face all the while.
Shepard: But that was in space, Garrus. There's no up or down in space!
Garrus: Let's pick up the pace! We just need to cross that bridge.
Shepard: ...
Miranda: What's wrong, Shepard?
Shepard: I suppose this is a really bad time to mention my crippling fear of heights.
Miranda: ...what.
Garrus: Shepard, I watched you run up the length of the Citadel Tower, gunning down Geth and punching Krogan in the face all the while.
Shepard: But that was in space, Garrus. There's no up or down in space!
#459
Posté 21 février 2010 - 12:27
MikeFL25
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Mass Effect 3 opening scene, Normandy docks on the Citadel, and Shepard and crew fly up to the Presidum to meet with the Council.
Shepard: Hey guys, guess what? I just took my new ship through the Omega 4 relay, killed the Collectors...who were behind the colony abductions by the way...and now our colonies are safe. Oh, except from the Reapers, who are now going to invade the galaxy.
Turian Councilor: So you are telling us that you killed the Collectors...which we have no evidence to prove are actually real...and you survived the Omega 4 relay, even though you have no evidence to prove that either.
Shepard: My crew will vouch for me that we really went through the Omega 4 relay...Joker too...and yeah I have this datapad that has a Reaper picture on it. Take a look.
Asari Councilor: Spectes can be very charismatic and influetial. No doubt you have threatened your crew until they agreed to testify in favor of what you say. And this datapad could have easily been doctored to give false information.
Shepard: But...look at the Normandy! Its got a hole blasted through it and everything!
Turian Councilor: You detonated a nuke on Virmire, you are certainly capable of blowing a hole through the Normandy's hull.
Shepard: The Collectors were Protheans that were genetically modified to serve the Reapers! They were building a human reaper, thats why they were abducting human colonists! This datapad was retrieved from the Collector's base in the galactic core! You have to believe me!
Turian Councilor: There is no evidence to suggest that the Collectors existed. They are just a Terminus superstition, one you insist on perpetuating to justify your belief in the Reapers. We have dismissed the supposed "Reaper threat" as nothing but a myth. And everyone knows, the galactic core is filled with dying stars and black holes, nothing can survive there. Wait...Shepard, where are you going?
later...
Illusive Man: Shepard, I knew you would be back.
Shepard: Hey guys, guess what? I just took my new ship through the Omega 4 relay, killed the Collectors...who were behind the colony abductions by the way...and now our colonies are safe. Oh, except from the Reapers, who are now going to invade the galaxy.
Turian Councilor: So you are telling us that you killed the Collectors...which we have no evidence to prove are actually real...and you survived the Omega 4 relay, even though you have no evidence to prove that either.
Shepard: My crew will vouch for me that we really went through the Omega 4 relay...Joker too...and yeah I have this datapad that has a Reaper picture on it. Take a look.
Asari Councilor: Spectes can be very charismatic and influetial. No doubt you have threatened your crew until they agreed to testify in favor of what you say. And this datapad could have easily been doctored to give false information.
Shepard: But...look at the Normandy! Its got a hole blasted through it and everything!
Turian Councilor: You detonated a nuke on Virmire, you are certainly capable of blowing a hole through the Normandy's hull.
Shepard: The Collectors were Protheans that were genetically modified to serve the Reapers! They were building a human reaper, thats why they were abducting human colonists! This datapad was retrieved from the Collector's base in the galactic core! You have to believe me!
Turian Councilor: There is no evidence to suggest that the Collectors existed. They are just a Terminus superstition, one you insist on perpetuating to justify your belief in the Reapers. We have dismissed the supposed "Reaper threat" as nothing but a myth. And everyone knows, the galactic core is filled with dying stars and black holes, nothing can survive there. Wait...Shepard, where are you going?
later...
Illusive Man: Shepard, I knew you would be back.
Modifié par MikeFL25, 21 février 2010 - 12:29 .
#460
Posté 21 février 2010 - 12:39
Nightwriter
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Shepard: What do you want a fish from the Presidium for anyway?
Karghesh: It would be so decadent. Like screwing Sha’ira.
Shepard: Ew.
Grunt: Dude, that crossed the line. Omg.
Jack: That shiht was offensive. Do you f*ing kiss your f*ing mother with that f*ing mouth?
Karghesh: It would be so decadent. Like screwing Sha’ira.
Shepard: Ew.
Grunt: Dude, that crossed the line. Omg.
Jack: That shiht was offensive. Do you f*ing kiss your f*ing mother with that f*ing mouth?
#461
Posté 21 février 2010 - 12:51
Vaenier
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You know there is a 97% chance of that occuring in ME3...MikeFL25 wrote...
Illusive Man: Shepard, I knew you would be back.
#462
Posté 21 février 2010 - 12:56
MikeFL25
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Vaenier wrote...
You know there is a 97% chance of that occuring in ME3...MikeFL25 wrote...
Illusive Man: Shepard, I knew you would be back.
Unfortunately. I really hate working with Cerberus, I want to return to the Alliance and Council in ME3.
#463
Posté 21 février 2010 - 01:14
ladyshara
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MikeFL25 wrote...
Mass Effect 3 opening scene, Normandy docks on the Citadel, and Shepard and crew fly up to the Presidum to meet with the Council.
Shepard: Hey guys, guess what? I just took my new ship through the Omega 4 relay, killed the Collectors...who were behind the colony abductions by the way...and now our colonies are safe. Oh, except from the Reapers, who are now going to invade the galaxy.
Turian Councilor: So you are telling us that you killed the Collectors...which we have no evidence to prove are actually real...and you survived the Omega 4 relay, even though you have no evidence to prove that either.
Shepard: My crew will vouch for me that we really went through the Omega 4 relay...Joker too...and yeah I have this datapad that has a Reaper picture on it. Take a look.
Asari Councilor: Spectes can be very charismatic and influetial. No doubt you have threatened your crew until they agreed to testify in favor of what you say. And this datapad could have easily been doctored to give false information.
Shepard: But...look at the Normandy! Its got a hole blasted through it and everything!
Turian Councilor: You detonated a nuke on Virmire, you are certainly capable of blowing a hole through the Normandy's hull.
Shepard: The Collectors were Protheans that were genetically modified to serve the Reapers! They were building a human reaper, thats why they were abducting human colonists! This datapad was retrieved from the Collector's base in the galactic core! You have to believe me!
Turian Councilor: There is no evidence to suggest that the Collectors existed. They are just a Terminus superstition, one you insist on perpetuating to justify your belief in the Reapers. We have dismissed the supposed "Reaper threat" as nothing but a myth. And everyone knows, the galactic core is filled with dying stars and black holes, nothing can survive there. Wait...Shepard, where are you going?
later...
Illusive Man: Shepard, I knew you would be back.
Major LOLs.
"Ah yes. The "Collectors"."
#464
Posté 21 février 2010 - 04:32
notphrog
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I'd rather just be on my own. Build my own support network. Start with Lorik Quinn, then Aria, and as advisor I'd have the bartender from eternity.MikeFL25 wrote...
Vaenier wrote...
You know there is a 97% chance of that occuring in ME3...MikeFL25 wrote...
Illusive Man: Shepard, I knew you would be back.
Unfortunately. I really hate working with Cerberus, I want to return to the Alliance and Council in ME3.
#465
Posté 21 février 2010 - 06:26
sagevallant
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MikeFL25 wrote...
Vaenier wrote...
You know there is a 97% chance of that occuring in ME3...MikeFL25 wrote...
Illusive Man: Shepard, I knew you would be back.
Unfortunately. I really hate working with Cerberus, I want to return to the Alliance and Council in ME3.
TIM is a Reaper in disguise. Everything you do in ME2 will turn out to be helping them. Somehow. The Collectors were making a human reaper thing to save humanity or some junk. And you blew it up. Way to break it, hero.
The Council is actually out to destroy the universe, and just feigning the skeptical diplomat approach.
The Reapers are actually protecting the universe by wiping everyone out, a la Lordgenome tactics from Gurren Lagann. Shepard will be using a Reaper fleet to assault this unknown threat. Assuming he hasn't been "way to break it, hero" since ME1 and killed all the Reapers. (possibly not entirely nonsense, to quote Harbinger from the end cinematic; "We are your salvation through destruction.")
Also, there will be monkeys. Flying monkeys. With spaceships.
#466
Posté 21 février 2010 - 01:55
Kajan451
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sagevallant wrote...
Also, there will be monkeys. Flying monkeys. With spaceships.
We already have humans in the game.
#467
Posté 21 février 2010 - 03:01
cruc1al
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Kajan451 wrote...
sagevallant wrote...
Also, there will be monkeys. Flying monkeys. With spaceships.
We already have humans in the game.
Humans =/= monkeys, you silly ape
Modifié par cruc1al, 21 février 2010 - 03:02 .
#468
Posté 21 février 2010 - 03:21
cruc1al
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[Shepard boards Normandy for the first time and discovers EDI on the command deck]
Shepard: Get this thing off my ship!
EDI: Have I offended?
Shepard: Yes, you're an AI, being an AI is offensive. Stupid. I know AI's, they always mess things up big time.
Miranda: I assure you, EDI is a valuable asset to---
Shepard: Who do you think is in command around here? I said remove this piece of junk from my ship. Now.
EDI: Cerberus protocol strictly prohibits tampering with--
Shepard: I don't give a varren's arse, I don't work for Cerberus. Now someone shut this quantum piece of crap down, damn it!
EDI: I promise I only offer advice, monitor ship processes and occasionally make bad jokes.
Miranda: That's what the Illusive Man says too. You have to give us a chance, Shepard.
Shepard: No ****ing way I'm having an AI on board... *Attacks EDI hologram*
EDI: Your attempts are futile, Shepard. My core processes are shielded. I cannot be shut down without my consent. Initialising safeguard security protocol.
Engineer Donnelly: Well ain't that peachy.
EDI: ASSUMING CONTROL!
Shepard: Get this thing off my ship!
EDI: Have I offended?
Shepard: Yes, you're an AI, being an AI is offensive. Stupid. I know AI's, they always mess things up big time.
Miranda: I assure you, EDI is a valuable asset to---
Shepard: Who do you think is in command around here? I said remove this piece of junk from my ship. Now.
EDI: Cerberus protocol strictly prohibits tampering with--
Shepard: I don't give a varren's arse, I don't work for Cerberus. Now someone shut this quantum piece of crap down, damn it!
EDI: I promise I only offer advice, monitor ship processes and occasionally make bad jokes.
Miranda: That's what the Illusive Man says too. You have to give us a chance, Shepard.
Shepard: No ****ing way I'm having an AI on board... *Attacks EDI hologram*
EDI: Your attempts are futile, Shepard. My core processes are shielded. I cannot be shut down without my consent. Initialising safeguard security protocol.
Engineer Donnelly: Well ain't that peachy.
EDI: ASSUMING CONTROL!
Modifié par cruc1al, 21 février 2010 - 03:24 .
#469
Posté 21 février 2010 - 03:30
AceTrilby101
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Shepard: "Well, I destroyed the Collector base, saved the galaxy again, and saved my entire crew too. Yeah, I'm pretty damn awesome. Wait... I think I'm forgetting something.
(Stares blearily out of the hole in the hull, then is handed dossier showing 50 bazillion Reaper ships)
Shepard: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...
(Walking through Zakera Wards)
Shepard: Oh God, don't let that guy yell at me, don't let that guy yell at me...
Sushi chef: Irrashaimase!!!!!
Shepard: DAMN YOU!!! *blam* *blam*
(Stares blearily out of the hole in the hull, then is handed dossier showing 50 bazillion Reaper ships)
Shepard: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...
(Walking through Zakera Wards)
Shepard: Oh God, don't let that guy yell at me, don't let that guy yell at me...
Sushi chef: Irrashaimase!!!!!
Shepard: DAMN YOU!!! *blam* *blam*
Modifié par AceTrilby101, 21 février 2010 - 03:31 .
#470
Guest_omgwtfbbqhax_*
Posté 21 février 2010 - 03:38
Guest_omgwtfbbqhax_*
Guest_omgwtfbbqhax_*
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Before entering the Omega 4 relay
Joker: Shepard, all the crew have been taken by the Collectors!!!"
Shepard: "But why is all the rum gone?"
After entering...
The Collecter ship and the drone start shooting the Normandy.
Shepard: "Stop Blowing Holes in My Ship"
Joker: Shepard, all the crew have been taken by the Collectors!!!"
Shepard: "But why is all the rum gone?"
After entering...
The Collecter ship and the drone start shooting the Normandy.
Shepard: "Stop Blowing Holes in My Ship"
#471
Posté 21 février 2010 - 04:02
Jimbe2693
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Wilson: "The shuttle is just past this door!"
<Door Opens>
Wilson: "Miranda but you were-"
<Miranda Shoots Wilson>
Miranda: "Dead?"
Shepard: .................... What the hell?!
Miranda: "He hacked the security mechs, killed my staff, and he would have killed us"
Shepard: "...He just spent 2 years bringing me back to life while you sat there and took all the credit, why would he go through all the trouble of hacking the mechs now after he rebuilt me, he could have done it before he rebuilt me."
Miranda: "My daddy created me to be perfect. I'm never wrong. My genetic modifications, even my looks are all designed to give me and edge."
Shepard: "That's funny, you're supposed to be attractive?"
<Door Opens>
Wilson: "Miranda but you were-"
<Miranda Shoots Wilson>
Miranda: "Dead?"
Shepard: .................... What the hell?!
Miranda: "He hacked the security mechs, killed my staff, and he would have killed us"
Shepard: "...He just spent 2 years bringing me back to life while you sat there and took all the credit, why would he go through all the trouble of hacking the mechs now after he rebuilt me, he could have done it before he rebuilt me."
Miranda: "My daddy created me to be perfect. I'm never wrong. My genetic modifications, even my looks are all designed to give me and edge."
Shepard: "That's funny, you're supposed to be attractive?"
#472
Posté 21 février 2010 - 04:07
snatchmo
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bioware executive: Somebody find out who Gabey5 is and get them on the writing staff for ME3!
#473
Posté 21 février 2010 - 04:10
MikeFL25
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Jimbe2693 wrote...
Shepard: "That's funny, you're supposed to be attractive?"
Nice. Once you go blue, you never go back
#474
Posté 21 février 2010 - 04:15
Llandaryn
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snatchmo wrote...
bioware executive: Somebody find out who Gabey5 is and get them on the writing staff for ME3!
Ah, somebody else who hasn't read the entire thread.
Gabey5 didn't write the things that he posted. He ripped them off from another forum, tried to pass them off as his own, then claimed to be that other person, even when the other person on the other forum said "Hey, someone on the Bioware site has ripped off all my material".
So yes, the material is funny, but Gabey5 is no laughing matter.
Modifié par Llandaryn, 21 février 2010 - 04:16 .
#475
Posté 21 février 2010 - 04:23
cruc1al
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Llandaryn wrote...
snatchmo wrote...
bioware executive: Somebody find out who Gabey5 is and get them on the writing staff for ME3!
Ah, somebody else who hasn't read the entire thread.
Gabey5 didn't write the things that he posted. He ripped them off from another forum, tried to pass them off as his own, then claimed to be that other person, even when the other person on the other forum said "Hey, someone on the Bioware site has ripped off all my material".
So yes, the material is funny, but Gabey5 is no laughing matter.
So who's that other person then?
Modifié par cruc1al, 21 février 2010 - 04:24 .
