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[Lilitv]

Jarcander wrote...

Lilitv wrote...

Jarcander wrote...
Ignoring the questioning looks Shepard makes it to the mine, nailing every monkey creature in sight with expert driving.

Right...

The following explains why Shepard's gun and armour skills start out at level 1, in ME1.
*snip*

I didn't quite specify how long it took for them to get to the mines.

Faking his/her certificates would certainly explain many things. <_<

Espeically the driving right?

[superimposed]

"My name's Jac---"



*Bam*



"****ing Cerberus."

[Castanea]

Shepard: ... I really miss my old comrades..

Tali: Shepard?

Shepard: Tali! Finally! Someone I can trust!

Tali: .. Sorry, I have to go do a very important mission! But I'll be back later! And then you can do a loyalty quest for me again!

Shepard: What? Again!? But I helped you with your god******** pilg-

Tali: -Gone-

Shepard: Ok... That sucked- Garrus! Why are you so not surprised to see me?

Garrus: Because I'm dark, gloomy, and trying to be you.

Shepard: Oh, alright.. Let's go save the galaxy, again.

Garrus: Before that, you have to help me kill someone..

Shepard: ... I DID THAT IN THE LAST GAME! YOU ALWAYS NEED MY HELP TO KILL SOMEONE! WE SAVED THE GALAXY TOGETHER WHY AREN'T YOU FRICKING LOYAL?!?

Garrus: .... I have weapons to calibrate....

[Gabey5]

stillnotking wrote...

(Mass Effect: Ten Years Later, on Illium)

SHEPARD: Set me up again.

ASARI BARTENDER: Don't you think you've had enough, Commander?

SHEPARD: No.  Set me up.

ASARI BARTENDER (sympathetic): Women trouble?

SHEPARD: Yeah.  (sighs)  Let me tell ya, don't ever get serious with a quarian.

ASARI BARTENDER: Want to talk about it?

SHEPARD: Well, you know.  When we first started dating, it was all "Oh Shepard, I want to feel your skin against mine."  After the wedding?  Suddenly it's "Shepard, we just had sex last month!  Do you want me to get sick again?"  Neural induction is OK, but it doesn't do squat for blue balls.

ASARI BARTENDER (laughs and then looks abashed): Uh, sorry.

SHEPARD: Pretty soon I was making up threats to the Galaxy just to get off the ship.  At one point I actually had the Council convinced that the Reapers were building a secret base on Tefnut, the resort world.

ASARI BARTENDER: That was fake?  It was on the news!

SHEPARD: Yeah, ironic that they finally believed me just when I started making sh*t up to get laid.  Lost my Spectre clearance over that little incident.

ASARI BARTENDER: Damn.

SHEPARD: Hey, it wasn't all one-way.  I get back to the Migrant Fleet and Tali tells me she's pregnant.

ASARI BARTENDER: But I thought humans and quarians couldn't... oh.

SHEPARD: Exactly.  Can't really blame her, to be honest.  But between alimony and the lawsuit from slugging Kal'Reegar, I'm out about a hundred thou a month.  N7 pensions don't exactly cover that.  If it wasn't for the speaking fees I'd be sleeping under a heating conduit on the Citadel.

ASARI BARTENDER: Wow.

SHEPARD:  Women.  (downs another shot)  No offense.

ASARI BARTENDER: You know, Asari aren't exactly women.  We only have one gender.

SHEPARD: Yeah?

ASARI BARTENDER: Yep.

SHEPARD: So uh, what time you get off?

ASARI BARTENDER: Hopefully right before you do, Commander.  Come on, let's get out of here.

nooo married life!!

[alickar]

if i waz shep id save the all races from reaperz n romace my li

[Masterjokin]

ALL YOUR LI BELONG TO ME.

[Ryllen Laerth Kriel]

Legion: The geth believe two is greater than one, the heretics believe three is greater than two.

Shepard: Uh...yeah, well I never was very good in math. That's why I'm a soldier, not an engineer.

Legion: You must decide Shepard Commander.

Shepard: Why me? These are your thi-...er...people.

Legion: With all my programs and processing power I can't make a simple moral decision, please decide Shepard Commander.

Shepard: Fine, fine...

*Shepard hunts and pecks on the keyboard for hours*

Legion: I am not sure Shepard Commander, my protocol tells me to initiate something called "Jazz Hands."

Shepard: *sits back in a chair before the stage* Just sing the lines, c'mon, it's for the best of your people, trust me. It's all in the programming.

Army of Geth: *arms locked together and doing high kicks*
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
Puttin' on the ritz.

Modifié par Ryllen Laerth Kriel, 01 mars 2010 - 07:03 .

[CardonT]

Miranda: I'm designed to be perfect.

Shepard: Uh-huh.

Miranda: Whatever I do, I'm superior at it.

Shepard: Good. Your new position aboard is to cook and bring me my coffee.

M: What?!?!

S: You heard me. And you should be honored. That job requires the best out of your abilities. You can't even hold a biotic bubble long enough. You failed to see through Wilson BEFORE he sent your station to hell and you are a cocky b!tch. Ergo, you make me my bloody coffee. I don't want you to do anything else. Especially not my second-in command.

[Krogan Face]

* funny looking shuttle lands on Haestrom*
Shepard: * steps out and looks around*
Shepard:  HAHAHA! *points to something on the ground*
Garus:  What so funny?
Shepard: that little bug thingy is on fire!
Garus:   oh....  *rolls eyes* 
Miranda: BANG BANG!  its dead now, nothinng to worry about.
Garus:....
Shepard: wtf! Miranda?
Miranda: it couldv'e compromised the mission.
Garus: ya...well we should get moveing.
Hard Suit Communicator:  BEEP....BEEP....BEEP....BEEP....
Garus:  arent you gona answer that?
Shepard: naaah
Garus: just answer it, it might be important.
Shepard: ok, sure....*places hand on comm button*  whats up?
Mordin:  Shepard you forgot your meds...STATIC...STATIC....FUZZZZ......
Garus:  what was that? something about meds?
Shepard: I duno wasent paying attention...lets move out!
Garus: right behinde you!
Miranda: with you!
Garus:  SHEILDS ARE FAILING! WE NEED TO STAY OUT OF DIRECT SUN LIGHT!
Miranda: This isnt good Shepard it could endanger the mission!
Shepard: move out!

* the team aproaches a blast door*
Shepard: *reaches for his portable missile launcher.....locks in the sights*
Garus: FOUND IT!
* blast door begins to lower*
Shepard:  nice work, move out!
Miranda: look a drop ship!
Garus: BAG EM AND TAG EM!
Shepard: whos was that?
Garus: can we kill the geth first please!
Miranda: geth 12 o'clock.
 *BANG...BANG....ZAP...POW*
Miranda: nice work team
Shepard: move out!
Garus: we need to use the shade to get to the other side.
Miranda: agreed, how about the stairs to the right?
Garus: sounds good...Shepard what do you thi*ALARM..ALARM...SHEILD FAILURE!
Miranda: *turns to her right *
Garus:  *turns to his left*
Shepard: *sprinting in full sunlight nearly on the other side of the compound*
Garus: *sighs*
Miranda: #&it! 4 billion credits move Garus move!
*Garus and Miranda reach the other side were Shepard is waiting*
Shepard: I thought i said move out!
Miranda: sorry commander it wont happen again
Shepard: whats that smell?
Garus: *breathing heavily* its your hard suit, your shields were probablly down when you hit the half way point.
Shepard: damn Garus, Miranda isnt short of breath.
Garus:*rolls eyes*.... well i guess im not a genetic freak paid for by my father am I.  *calmy smirks*
Shepard: *shakes head imfatically*
Miranda: *turns and glares at Shepard* so, who else did you tell?
Shepard: just Garus.....I swear.
Garus: I apolagize, i was just *Shepard interupts*
Shepard:  Ya trying to hard to be cool I know!
Miranda: Forget it we need our heads clear for the mission.
Shepard: move out!

*Shepard picks up a transmitting radio*
Shepard: Hello?
Someone: wa..waa..waa.waa. wa wa...
Shepard:  what ever, im here for Tali....and to help.
Garus: ah...shepard you have to hold the button and then talk
Shepard: oh!...who is this again?
Kal Reeger: Its Kal Reeger Quarian marine commander...wa...wa..waa...wa...waaa..wa..wa....
Shepard:  will do move out!
Miranda: ok we need to get the charges and blow up that fallen pillar.
Garus: agreed, Shepard ready when you ar *BOOOM!*
Shepard: *places missile launcher on his back*  move out!
Garus:*calmly dusts off his hard suit* works for me
Miranda: *raises up from a crouched position*  I should have thought of that, I can only take credit for my mistakes *starts to tear up*
Garus: *wipes her tear from her check* clear heads remember?
Miranda: *smiles*
Shepard: I said move out!
Miranda: on it!
Garus: right behinde you.

 *the team walks into the bunker*
Shepard: HAHAHAH! *points*
Garus: whats so...*looks at crippled geth crawling on the floor*  ah, of course.
Miranda: *BANG BANG* its dead now, nothing to worry about.
Garus: nice work Miranda
Miranda: thanks *smiles*
Shepard: Im pretty sure Garus told Jack about your daddy issues btw.
Miranda: what!?
Garus: commander seriously?
Miranda: Garus is this true?
Garus: no of course not, Shepards just being an as*BOOM!*
Shepard: *mouth moving but only hear ringing*
Garus: *shrugs and points to were his ears should be*
Miranda: OK IM STATRTING TO GET MINE BACK NOW......
Shepard: YA ME TOO..
Garus: *shrugs and points to were his ears should be*
Miranda: Shepard wtf are you thinking!? were in an enclosed space, and that door is made to with stand a missle strike!
Shepard:  Oh, cool its Tali..look guys its Tali. *points at Talis hologram*
Garus: how they hell did that console survive that missle blast?  its right next to the door.
Tali: wa...waa...waa..
Shepard: Hey can you get the door open, im kinda in a hurry to save you and all *winks*
Tali: Oh, sure commander I cant wait to see you again * mask face*  There it should be open now.
Shepard: woops.......
Garus: *shakes head*
Miranda: *puts head in hands* great the doors warped! this is certianly endangering the mission!
Shepard: can you like boost the power up and force it open Tali?
Tali: sorry youll have to make do.
Shepard: doo *cracks up*
Garus: well it looks like theres a gap about , id say about 56 trizas.
Shepard:......
Miranda:.......what?
Garus: sorry 14  inches in your system. btw how flexible are you Miranda? *smiles*
Shepard: he told Jack i swear
Garus: cmon Shepard
Miranda: we need to stay focused, i think we can crawl under.
Garus: great! im gona have to take my armor off. *disrobes and crawls under*
Shepard: *crawls under*
Shepard: move out!
Miranda: wait! my ass is stuck!
Garus: maybe i can push on it and help you through *reaches toward ass*
Shepard: *grabs Mirandas arms and pulls her *
Miranda: aaahhh....shew thanks Shepard.
Garus: ah..that works too.
Shepard: Damn Garus your really thin without the armor
Garus:  and your really short with yours on, what are you like 5,9?
Shepard: move out!
Miranda: with you!
Garus: *grits pointy teeth*
Miranda: remember to stay in the shade team.
* little satalite things attack PEEEW.....PEEEW...
Garus: BAG EM AND TAG EM!
Shepard: who said that?
Garus: kill the geth Shepard.
BAAM...BOOM....POW
Shepard: ok, now was that you saying stuff during combat Garus?
Garus: ya, ill work on it when we get back to the Normandy II
Shepard: wont you be runnig calibrations tho?
Garus: oh ya theres that.....
Miranda:GETH PRIME TAKE COVER!
Garus: *charges out into the middle of direct sunlight* comon! you bastard bring it!
Geth Prime: STUTTERING SOUND! *charges into direct sunlight and shields fail*
Garus:*rips off 5 armor piercing rounds*
Geth Prime: *falls dead*
Miranda: Garus get out of the sunlight, the mission is to important.
Shepard: ya Garus wtf?
Garus: Guys im a Turian...hello metalic exoskeleton.....
Miranda: oh ya....
Shepard: move out!
 
*the team aproaches Kal Reeger*
Shepard: Kal, status report.
Kal:  wa...waa...waaa..wwaaa.wa.wa...wa
Shepard: *thinks to him self* haha, whats with this guys  voice he dosent sound Quarian..
Kal: wa..wa..wa..waa.wa...
Shepard: *thinks to his self* seriously wtf, its killing me
Kal: wa...wa..waaa....
Shepard: *helmet vibrates BUZZ..BUZZ.. Shepard blinks left eye twice*
 *Tali's text message: Shepard plz hurry I might have a suprise for u if we make it out alive   P.S. remember to save Kal.*
Kal: wa...wa..waaa.waa...either way im with you.
Shepard: wait what did you say?
Kal: ah.....my suit is punkchured?
Shepard: no thats not it
Kal:.....are you paying attention?
Shepard: no, closer to the end
Kal: either way im with you?
Shepard: ya, thats it....sorry you need to stay behide.
Kal: why?4 is better then 3 right?
Shepard:*thinks to his self* cuz i wanna give Tali a suit punkchure of here own if you know what i mean, haha i crack my self up*
Kal: Shepard! snap out of it, we need to stay focused here.
Miranda: hes right Shepard
Shepard: no **** Miranda, really!?
Kal: so why cant i go with you?
Shepard:.........*looks blanlkey at Miranda*
Miranda: ah....it could endanger the mission?
Shepard: ya thats it, stay here.
Kal: ok, well thats about it, anything to add  shepard?
Shepard: Ya, are you from Texas?
Kal: huh..?
Shepard: never mind , move out!
Miranda: watch for the Colossus
Shepard: *runs down the middle and biotically charges through the wall up to the Colossus*
Garus: not again....
Miranda:*gasp* 4 billion crediiiiits!
BOOOOOOOOOM! * mushroom cloud*
*Garus and Miranda reach the other side of the compound*
Shepard: do I really have to do all the work guys?
Garus:* gasping for air*
Miranda: Shepard did you take your meds today?
Shepard: move out!
Garus: *gasping for air motions something to Miranda*
Miranda: what?
Garus: *points*
Miranda: ****!...Tali open the door hurry...Tali do you read open the door!
Tali:  I heard you the first time Miranda its opening n*BOOOOM*
Miranda: I should have seen that comeing, all i can do is take credit for my mistakes *tears well up in her eyes*
Garus: why they hell would Tali listen to Miranda anyway? dosent she hate Cerberus?
Miranda:*cries*
Shepard: why was the door opening as i was fireing the missle?
Garus: if you could just take your time things like this wouldnt  hap*WOOOOSH....funny looking shuttle lands next to the team*
Shepard: nice huh, i called in the shuttle remotley.....move out!

[Krogan Face]

Parahprased version of  ^

Shepard: Kal Reeger I assume?
 Kal: yeah, im Kal and u must be Shepard.
Shepard: Yeah, whats the sittuation here?
Kal:  wa...waa.waaa....wa...waa.waa.....waa..wwaaaa.wwaa..
Shepard: *thinks to his self* whats with this guys voice?
Kal:  wa....wa..wa...wwaa.
Shepard: *thinks to his self* seriouslly this guys voice dosent sound Quarian at all
Kal: wa...wa.
Shepard: *thinks to his self* seriously wtf, lol
Kal: Wa...waa...well thats about all we best be on our way, anything to add Shepard?
Shepard: Ya Kal, are you from Texas?

Modifié par Krogan Face, 02 mars 2010 - 04:44 .

[Krogan Face]

Shepard: Hey Patriarch let me be your muscle
Patriarch: you would do that for me, I could be strong again!
Shepard: *thinks to his self* ya right, Aria crushed your heart and made u her **** and u sound like pete from gooftroop...
Shepard: ya ill get on it, hrmm were could they be *goes through only other door in the room*
Krogan #1 *draws weapon*
Krogan #2 *draws weapon*
*Shepard and team draw weapons*
BANG BANG BANG!
Krogans: *stager back wards*
Shepard: wait krogan assasins, seriously?
Krogan #1  why the hell not?
Shepard:  speaking of why the hell not, why arent you dead?
Krogan #2  WE ARE KROGAN!!!!
Krogan#1: what he said ^ , should we be dead?
Shepard: well i was supposed to kill the assasins...
Krogan#1 HA! we regen like 40 hpts every sec, and were wearing full armor not to mention helmets.
Shepard: hey jacob, why dont u were a helment?
Jacob: ah....it never came up, honestly i kinda wounderd why ur wear yours all the time?
Shepard: it keeps bullets from tearing through my brain, ******!
Krogans *look at one another*
Jacob: if you say so, but i dont think its a good idea.
Krogans: *pull triggers on guns*....
Shepard: lol there guns dont work *raises gun and fire of 1 shot.....*
Krogans: just the one shot?
Shpepard: i think its broken...Mordin uv been quit?
Mordin: been forming hypothesis, weapons broke, due to non combat area, must leave imediatly.
Shepard: so the Krogan cant fire any shoots and we can only fire 1 shot every now and then...and all in this same room?
Mordin: yes, non combat area, also explains why door is broken.
Shepard: wait we can leave?
Mordin: no, must resolve dilema.
Krogan #2 *stairs at exit* I AM KROGAN! *door remains closed*
Krogan #1 i really need to get outa here, dinners in 5 min and my wife will be pissed if im late.
Shepard: Jacob give me your honest and reasonable opinion.
Jacob: dont I always?
Shepard: ya, its kinda wierd actually its like your in perfect contrast with Miranda.
Mordin: have theory, pay Krogan to pretend dead
Shepard: but i just started, i dont have alot of credits
Krogan#1 we'll take 500 a piece thank you.
Krogan#2 *sifts through trash can in corner*
Mordin: suggest you take offer, could be worse, could ask for armor and weapons.
Krogan #1 *raises finger*
Shepard: NOT GONA HAPPEN!
Krogn #1 *sigh*
Shepard: ok heres your credits now lay down and play dead!
Krogans: *lie down and play dead.*
Door: *green light flashes on*
Shepard: *aims at Krogans and pull trigger*  ....nothing happend....
Mordin: door is open, gun cant be fired outside of cut scene, in non combat area, must go.
Shepard: What about the krogan assasins? wont they just try and kill Patriarch now?
Mordin: Shepard, krogan are dead, door wont open otherwise, must move on 
Shepard: holly **** Mordin that was awesome! *loots Krogan corpses for credits*
Mordin: they never see me comeing *smiles wickedly*

Modifié par Krogan Face, 02 mars 2010 - 06:27 .

[Ryllen Laerth Kriel]

*Meanwhile in high orbit, the Normandy is busy scanning a planet*

Shepard: Hmm... more element zero, there must of been some sort of catastrophic event here. Concentrations of that don't accumulate normally.

Joker: Well at least they didn't call it something as juvenile as "Unobtanium" like from that god-aweful early 21st century film I saw on the late night vids. I mean...what was up with those floating islands anyways?

*uncomfortible silence, with space crickets*

Joker: Hey, I have brittle bones and live in a spaceship...which shouldn't help my condition, my hobbies suck too.

[Marilynn-22]

superimposed wrote...

"My name's Jac---"

*Bam*

"****ing Cerberus."

XD

[Turian Douche]

*Briefing Comm Room, after departing from 2175 Aeia. Shepard and Jacob are the only ones left inside.*

Shepard: How are you holding up, Jacob? Do you want to talk?

Jacob: Um, yeah... sure. Could we talk in the Armory, tough? I need to, err, polish my gun.

*They leave the room and enter the Armory.*

Shepard: [Sultry voice] Say, Jacob... how about I "polish your gun" for you?

Jacob: Right on!


---


*Briefing Comm Room. Shepard has left the Armory, Jacob is talking to The Illusive Man.*

Jacob: Sir, the Reaper-based female mind control device we had installed in the Armory isn't quite working as it should. It doesn't make them any more obedient or loyal to you, it just turns any woman who enters the room into a ****. I'll need a bit more time to tinker with it.

The Illusive Man: Very well, Mr. Taylor. Report back when it's functioning as intended. All that money we spent on it is wasted if it isn't reliable, so take the time you need.

Jacob: Thank you, sir.

*Jacob leaves the Briefing Comm Room. He turns right and enters Mordin's Lab.*


---


*Jacob exits Mordin's Lab, carrying boxes of various ointments and pamphlets. He approaches Yeoman Chambers.*

Jacob: Ms. Chambers, could you notify Shepard, Miranda, Tali, Samara and Jack? I just spoke to the Illusive Man, and I need to see them.

Kelly: Of course, Mr. Taylor, I'll let them know right away.

Jacob: Thanks. As a matter of fact, you better come too. I've got some pretty grave news, which could potentially affect their psychological health.

Kelly: That does sound serious. I'll be right there, just let me contact the people you asked for.

Jacob: Great. I'll be in the Armory.

*Jacob starts walking towards the Armory, grinning.*

Jacob: [Thinking] That mind control device was worth every penny. Dad would be so proud of me right now.




Edit: The four-letter word for a sexually loose woman appears to be censored. I'm sure you'll figure it out, though.

Modifié par Turian Douche, 02 mars 2010 - 05:19 .

[DragonFire6464]

........

[ObserverStatus]

Udina: Shepard... what the hell is he doing here?

*Shepard punches Udina in the mouth*

Anderson: Shepard! What the hell are you doing?

Shepard: Political ****-storm indeed.

Anderson: Udina is scheduled to speak with the Council in 10 minutes! What are we going to tell them?

Shepard: Tell them he went to the consort to do some soul-searching. After carefully thinking he decided to reinstate me as a Spectre.

Anderson: I'll tell him a ceiling panel came loose due to the citadel restoration project.

[Krogan Face]

Shepard: *thinks to his self* ok, need to get Joker and get outa the Normady before its destroyed.
* door to ships navigation opens* WOOSH!
Shepard: damn, the hull is breached!
Shepard: *thinks to his self* ok, almost there, i can see the emergency barrier.
Shepard: *accidently bumps floating chair*
Shepard: hrmm thats neat *intentially bumps second floating chair*
Shepard: WEEEEE! *bumps third chair*
Shepard: *smileing* *bumps fourth chair*
Shepard: no achievement? *bumps third chair* *bumps second chair*
Joker: cya commander [in a dickish tone]
*ship explodes*
_______________________________________________________________________________________


Joker: OW! watch the arm...
Shepard: you should already be in an escape pod by now!
*Shepard drags Jokers crippled ass to the escape pod and throws him in*
*ship shakes*
*COLLECTOR BEAM RIPS THROUGH HULL*
Shepard: *is fliped backwards near the  escape pod controls*
Joker: COMMANDER! *
*shepard and jokers eyes meet*
Shepard: **** you Joker!  *dosent press button*

_______________________________________________________________________________________

The ME ending that apparently happend but we didnt see.....


Anderson: nice work on saveing the galaxy Shepard.
Shepard: thx, but the reapers are the real threat.
Anderson: of course......ok commander the coucil is waiting.
*Anderson and Shepard aproach the council*
Asari: thank you Shepard the council owes you a great deal.
Shepard: glad i could help
Salarian: humanity has earded a place on the council Shepard, who*Shepard interupts*
Shepard: NOT UDINA!
Udina:*hangs head*
Asari: very well, and thx again for stoping the geth
Shepard: the reapers are the real threat and im going to stop them! *struts off like a badass*
Anderson: Shepards right we need to be ready, we must all work together ad stop the reapers! *pounds fist in hand*
Turian: were is he going, we werent finished , and I dismiss his claims! [said in an extreeeemly dickish tone]
Anderson: the reaper was the giant ship that just attacked the citadel!
Asari: perhaps we shouldreview Shepards report from Iilos, it may shed some light on the subject.
Salarian: ah, a resonable idea
Anderson: *wips out his ommni tool*...............ah......*fiddles with buttons*........
Asari: is there a problem Anderson?
Anderson: its blank.....
Salarian: the file must have been damaged in the attack.
Anderson: im telling you its blank.
Turian: of all the incompetance! next time i see Shepard I'll make him squirm!...........
* everyone walks off in disbelief +

[Malysoun]

Miranda: Krogan charging!

Shepard: I can't get a lock.

Grunt: I AM KROGAN!

Shepard: I can't get a lock.

Miranda: Need some help here!

Shepard: I can't get a lock.

Miranda: Shepard, do your suicide charge over here already!

Shepard: I can't get a lock.

Grunt: I AM KROGAN!

Miranda: Shepard, he's 2 feet in front of you, there's not even a barricade, help me!

Shepard: I can't get a lock.

Grunt: I AM KROGAN!

Miranda: *dying* 4 billion credits and he decides to be a vanguard.

[LOLandStuff]

Shepard: I saved the Citadel!

Bartender: Uhu!

Shepard: I am a damn hero!

Bartender: Uhu!

Shepard: I mean…I am the first human Spectre…I am an Icon of hope for humanity.

Bartender: Uhu!

Shepard: And now I am going to save the galaxy again with a few men.

Bartender: Uhu!

Shepard: And this is how they treat me?

Bartender: How dare they?

Shepard: Exactly…They should…they should worship me. They brought me back to life…to save them again. I can’t stay dead…

Bartender: You can’t stand on your feet.

Shepard: Each time I want to go…and chat with someone…they are all busy doing something…or just ignoring me…I saved their asses and helped them…when they had…stuff…like problems and such…I am so lonely…

Bartender: You have the crew.

Shepard: I think they talk behind my…back…they all ignore me and gossip…



Crewman1: Woohoo! Finally Shepard isn’t here.

Miranda: His presence disturbs me.

Kenneth: That ars threw a tantrum at us for wanting to play poker with him.

Gaby: Good riddance!

Miranda: “I am in charge here!”, we gave him everything and he treats us worst than I treat you.

Garrus: Standing there all day “calibrating” tires me.

Tali: And I have to “clean” all day.

Mordin: interrupting me all the time. Annoying.

Kelly: That lazy **** can’t even feed his own fish. He invited me to dinner just to have someone look after them.

Jack: **** him! Let’s have our fun before he comes back.

Crewman 2: Let’s party!

Joker: Shepard is on his way here.

Everyone: Awww…

Jacob: Everybody, look busy!



Shepard: I see everyone is at his post…good.

Kelly: Commander, you have unread messages at your private terminal.

Shepard: Did you feed my fish?

Kelly: Jerk!

Shepard: What did you say?

Kelly: I said yes.

Shepard: Ok…because I run this ship militarily.

[Lilitv]

^

I don't know who to feel sorry for. Shepard for being ignored? Or the crew for having such a jerk in command.

[Gabey5]

LOLandStuff wrote...

Shepard: I saved the Citadel!
Bartender: Uhu!
Shepard: I am a damn hero!
Bartender: Uhu!
Shepard: I mean…I am the first human Spectre…I am an Icon of hope for humanity.
Bartender: Uhu!
Shepard: And now I am going to save the galaxy again with a few men.
Bartender: Uhu!
Shepard: And this is how they treat me?
Bartender: How dare they?
Shepard: Exactly…They should…they should worship me. They brought me back to life…to save them again. I can’t stay dead…
Bartender: You can’t stand on your feet.
Shepard: Each time I want to go…and chat with someone…they are all busy doing something…or just ignoring me…I saved their asses and helped them…when they had…stuff…like problems and such…I am so lonely…
Bartender: You have the crew.
Shepard: I think they talk behind my…back…they all ignore me and gossip…

Crewman1: Woohoo! Finally Shepard isn’t here.
Miranda: His presence disturbs me.
Kenneth: That ars threw a tantrum at us for wanting to play poker with him.
Gaby: Good riddance!
Miranda: “I am in charge here!”, we gave him everything and he treats us worst than I treat you.
Garrus: Standing there all day “calibrating” tires me.
Tali: And I have to “clean” all day.
Mordin: interrupting me all the time. Annoying.
Kelly: That lazy **** can’t even feed his own fish. He invited me to dinner just to have someone look after them.
Jack: **** him! Let’s have our fun before he comes back.
Crewman 2: Let’s party!
Joker: Shepard is on his way here.
Everyone: Awww…
Jacob: Everybody, look busy!

Shepard: I see everyone is at his post…good.
Kelly: Commander, you have unread messages at your private terminal.
Shepard: Did you feed my fish?
Kelly: Jerk!
Shepard: What did you say?
Kelly: I said yes.
Shepard: Ok…because I run this ship militarily.

haha nice

[LOLandStuff]

Mass Effect meets Star Wars



Obi-Wan: You will let us pass.

Shepard: Are you talking to me?

Obi-Wan: You can move out of our way and let us mind our own business.

Shepard: What the hell are you talking about?

Obi-Wan: You want to let us pass.

Garrus: Shepard, something isn’t right about this guy.

Obi-Wan: You’re not interested in us and we can pass.

Shepard: Are they…are they trying to indoctrinate us?

Obi-Wan: We don’t want…

Shepard: Shoot him! Shoot him! The reapers try to dominate us through others.

Obi-wan: Wait…

Shepard: Die you husk! I won’t let Harbinger take over my mind!

Luke: Master!

Shepard: No need to thank us kid. We’re glad we were able to free you from his clutches.

Garrus: You would have turned into a husk.

Miranda: We did a great job, as always.

Luke: You killed the last Jedi you bastards.

Shepard: That must be a new type of husk thing or whatever.

Luke: The anger…I won’t fall to the Dark Side.

Shepard: KILL IT! He wants to make his escape to Dark Space!

[Sylent25]

This whole thread is full of win...but you all owe me a new keyboard now.

[Mondo47]

stillnotking wrote...

(Mass Effect: Ten Years Later, on Illium)

SHEPARD: Set me up again.

ASARI BARTENDER: Don't you think you've had enough, Commander?

SHEPARD: No.  Set me up.

ASARI BARTENDER (sympathetic): Women trouble?

SHEPARD: Yeah.  (sighs)  Let me tell ya, don't ever get serious with a quarian.

ASARI BARTENDER: Want to talk about it?

SHEPARD: Well, you know.  When we first started dating, it was all "Oh Shepard, I want to feel your skin against mine."  After the wedding?  Suddenly it's "Shepard, we just had sex last month!  Do you want me to get sick again?"  Neural induction is OK, but it doesn't do squat for blue balls.

ASARI BARTENDER (laughs and then looks abashed): Uh, sorry.

SHEPARD: Pretty soon I was making up threats to the Galaxy just to get off the ship.  At one point I actually had the Council convinced that the Reapers were building a secret base on Tefnut, the resort world.

ASARI BARTENDER: That was fake?  It was on the news!

SHEPARD: Yeah, ironic that they finally believed me just when I started making sh*t up to get laid.  Lost my Spectre clearance over that little incident.

ASARI BARTENDER: Damn.

SHEPARD: Hey, it wasn't all one-way.  I get back to the Migrant Fleet and Tali tells me she's pregnant.

ASARI BARTENDER: But I thought humans and quarians couldn't... oh.

SHEPARD: Exactly.  Can't really blame her, to be honest.  But between alimony and the lawsuit from slugging Kal'Reegar, I'm out about a hundred thou a month.  N7 pensions don't exactly cover that.  If it wasn't for the speaking fees I'd be sleeping under a heating conduit on the Citadel.

ASARI BARTENDER: Wow.

SHEPARD:  Women.  (downs another shot)  No offense.

ASARI BARTENDER: You know, Asari aren't exactly women.  We only have one gender.

SHEPARD: Yeah?

ASARI BARTENDER: Yep.

SHEPARD: So uh, what time you get off?

ASARI BARTENDER: Hopefully right before you do, Commander.  Come on, let's get out of here.

Beautiful! I think so far you are teh funniest - bravo