741 réponses à ce sujet

[Galimor_001]

Jarcander wrote...
- Thane -

Shepard: How do you like the scene here, Thane?
Thene: It reminds me of something. *he looks zoned for a moment*
Shepard: I thought we agreed no flashbacks?
Thane: I'm sorry, it's just that we Drell...
Shepard: Yes, fall into memories easily, believe me I KNOW.
Thane: Sunsets eyes following me from across the table, mischievous. One arm holds the dress, then lets it drop onto ground. I...
Shepard: Stop right there! No more flashbacks! *runs away crying*

HaHa!

[Lilitv]

Galimor_001 wrote...

Jarcander wrote...
- Thane -

Shepard: How do you like the scene here, Thane?
Thene: It reminds me of something. *he looks zoned for a moment*
Shepard: I thought we agreed no flashbacks?
Thane: I'm sorry, it's just that we Drell...
Shepard: Yes, fall into memories easily, believe me I KNOW.
Thane: Sunsets eyes following me from across the table, mischievous. One arm holds the dress, then lets it drop onto ground. I...
Shepard: Stop right there! No more flashbacks! *runs away crying*

HaHa!

And that is why Thane is a bad romance option. He'll break your heart

[Gabey5]

Malysoun wrote...




From: Harbinger
Subject: Thanks

I KNOW YOU FEEL THIS!
-H

[cna007]

 Shepard: Time to show our new teeth. Fire the main gun

(The shot misses the collector ship wide right)

Shepard: Garrus !?

Garrus: Sorry I can't talk right now I am in the middle of some calibrations. 

*Shepard face palm

[Lilitv]

From Francis Kitt, the visionary director of Hamlet with an all elcor cast, comes Shepard: The Musical Part 2: Fight for the Lost! Using state of the art Organic-VI Interface Capture technology, see the crew of the Normandy as you have never seen them before. Featuring a song inspired by a human rock band Aerosmith...
 
*Preview starts*
*A scarred Shepard is shown from the back, hand reaching for a button, turning off the shower, as the slow melody of a guitar plays. Shepard then walks over to the mirror, camera pans to reveal face in the mirror*
Shepard:  Every time I look in the mirror *Camera zoom in on glowy scars* All these lines on my face getting clearer
*Shepard walks out of the bathroom with a towel on approaches the N7 helmet found on the Normandy Crash Site*
Shepard: The past is gone *Glances at the fish tank as a dead skald floats to the surface of the water* It went by like dusk to dawn
Shepard: Isn't that the way *Opens up armour locker and reaches for N7 breastplate* Everybody's got their dues in life to pay
*Scene briefly changes to Grunt drumming in the cargo hold, before showing Shepard, walking at the presidium in armour*
Shepard:  Yeah, I know nobody knows when they'll come and how they'll go *Looks up at the Citadel Tower* I know it's everybody's sin, if the Reapers come and kills us all. *Walks up the garden in the Tower* Half my life's in Alliance records *Stands in front of the Council holograms* Lived and learned from fools *looks at Turian Councilor* and from sages *looks at Anderson* You know it's true! All the Reapers will come for you! Stand with me, stand for the year! Stand for the laughter, stand for the tear! Stand with me, if just for today! Maybe tomorrow the Reapers will take you away!
*C-Sec entres the scene and grabs Shepard by the arms, dragging Shepard out*
Shepard: Or you can dream on! Dream on! Dream on! Dream on while I gut you!

Modifié par Lilitv, 23 mars 2010 - 09:51 .

[Jarcander]

Lilitv wrote...
Councilor* and from sages *looks at Anderson* You know it's true! All the Reapers will come for you! Stand with me, stand for the year! Stand for the laughter, stand for the tear! Stand with me, if just for today! Maybe tomorrow the Reapers will take you away!
*C-Sec entres the scene and grabs Shepard by the arms, dragging Shepard out*
Shepard: Or you can dream on! Dream on! Dream on! Dream on while I gut you!

And that's the story how Shepard lost his Spectre status the second time... brilliant!

[Lilitv]

Before you catch Shepard: The Musical Part 2: Fight for the Lost, watch the production that started it all: Shepard: The Musical: Saviour of the Citadel. Broadcasting tonight at Citadel Movie Channel. But don't let us tell you what to do, watch this preview first.


-Benezia's Indoctrination-
*Benezia wakes up in a dark room*
Benezia: In sleep it sang to me, in dreams it came. The voice which calls to me, and speaks my name. *Walks out of the room to the dark narrow corridor* And do I dream again? For all I find... The Vanguard of your Destruction is here... I'm inside it!
Saren:  *Appears behind Benezia* Sing once again with me, our strange duet. Its power over us, grows stronger yet. And yet you turn from me, to glance behind... The Vanguard of your Destruction is here... Inside my mind!
Benezia: Those who have seen your face, draw back in fear. You are the mask it wears...
Saren: ...The walls have ears!
Benezia and Saren: Your biotics and mine, in one combined! The Vanguard of your Destruction is here... Inside our minds!
Geth Choir: Is that the Sovereign? Beware the Sovereign!
Saren: In all your fantasies, you always knew. That flesh and machinery...
Benezia:...Were both in you!
Benezia and Saren: And in this labyrinth, where we are blind, the Vanguard of your Destruction is here... Inside our minds!

Modifié par Lilitv, 23 mars 2010 - 02:25 .

[Kerilus]

Lilitz, you're a very strange and brilliant person, do you know that?

[Jarcander]

I would say the crew is sleeping. No other way they could be so silent and can't blame 'em, the ride is smooth. Anyway, here's Shepard, testing his new Hammerhead tank with some crew aboard.

----

Shepard: Wheee!

*jumps from one cliff to another*

Shepard: Did you guys see that? Never again say that my N7 licence is for nothing.
Team: ... (sounds of content snooring)

*races a tunnel with lava steadily raising behind*

Shepard: Damn. That's cool.
Team: ... (a random snort amongst steady breathing)

*slams into a geth, sending it spinning down the cliff*

Shepard: God, I missed doing that. Are you guys listening?
Team: Zzz...
Shepard: Even M-44 talks more than you guys. Maybe Shepard's everywhere should romance it next?
Team: ...!

[Melnerag]

Asari Councilor: You've betrayed the trust of the Council, commander. Siding with Cerberus? Giving them the Collector Base?
Shepard: Unlike you, Cerberus fight the Reapers, not deny them!
Councilor: But at what cost? Once the Reapers are gone, humanity will dominate the galaxy.
Shepard: Is submission not preferable to extinction?

-----

TIM: We need you to fight the reapers.
Shepard: So, you've spent 4 billions bringing me back.
TIM: We have.
Shepard: Lets see how much you value your investment...
*Puts gun on his/her temple and starts making demands*

----

Saren and Shepard fight it out in the Citadel during final battle. Shepard initiates Renegade persuation.

Shepard: If you don't take your puny gun and shoot yourself through the head, I swear I will do unthinkable things to you! Is a quick death not preferable to a lasting suffering?
*Saren commits suicide*

---

Udina: We thought of asking you whom you believe is best suited to represent humanity, commander.
Shepard: I am commander Shepard, and Captain Anderson is my favorite officer in the Alliance.

---
Udina and Kelly meet in a random bar long after the reapers are defeated.

Kelly: Aren't you Ambassador Udina? The man who got the first human spectre and negotiated humanity's acceptance into the Council?
Udina: Ah-ha. Somebody finally realizes. My job is not pleasant, but it is necessiry!
Kelly: I can't say I found much about you on the extranet...
Udina: Because there isn't! This is an outrage! Everybody is holding support-manifesto's, for Tali, for Garrus, even for that Illusive terrorist. Even that nobody of a volus!
Kelly: Would it make you feel better if I launched an Udina-support manifesto?
Udina: Do so if you must, at the end of the day it is me doing all the work and taking all the hate.
Kelly: You are holding up extremely well, ambassador, it is like God himself has given you the hardest job and puts you in situation in which you are shown in worst possible light.

Morale: give Udina his long-deserved support-thread. If he was a stupid jerk, nobody would appoint him to represent 14+ billion humans in the first place! He ought to have strong points.

PS: if you say 'Do it yourself' you will have to pass a paragon check!
---

Modifié par Melnerag, 24 mars 2010 - 08:45 .

[Jzadek72]

If I were Commander Shepard? I wouldn't be wasting my time on this forum, that's for sure. I'd have a galaxy to save...

...And reporters to punch, random people to advise and a helmet to drink through.

[Jarcander]

Jzadek72 wrote...

If I were Commander Shepard? I wouldn't be wasting my time on this forum, that's for sure. I'd have a galaxy to save...

...And reporters to punch, random people to advise and a helmet to drink through.

Drinking thru helmet, eh? That reminds me...

Excalceo wrote...

Shepard: Barkeep!  I need a drink.
Barkeep:
Here you go.
Shepard: Thanks.
Barkeep: Aren't you gonna take your
helmet off?
Shepard: Nah, I got this.
Barkeep: No seriously, I
insist...
(Shepard attempts to drink and spills the beverage all over
the himself and the floor).
Shepard: Give me another.
Barkeep: Oh
Goddamit! I'm gonna have to clean that up now!
Shepard: I said give
me another.
Barkeep: Not until you take the helmet off.
Shepard:
Fine.
(Attempts to remove the helmet but is unsucessful)
Shepard:
Oh God, it's stuck!
Barkeep: What?
Shepard: IT'S STUCK!
Barkeep:
Oh God.
Thane: STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!
Shepard: WHAT? OH GOD,
I CAN'T BREATHE!!!
(Shepard slips on the previously spilled, falls
and suffocates).
*CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE*

That piece was the funniest in this topic, IMO.

[Landline]

Citadel advert: ...so next time you're out on the town with Miss Zorah...

Shepard: Tali... How did an add in the Citadel know that we were together when half the crew can't figure it out?

Garrus: Wait- You two are...?

Tali: I assure you I have no idea.



*Later*



TIM: Shepard, I wasn't expecting to hear from you.

Shepard: I've heard that you've been selling a certain tape of Tali and I on the extranet.

TIM: Yes I have, before you get upset you should know that you agreed to have all of your actions recorded when you accepted the Normandy.

Shepard: Give me a copy and we'll call it even.

[Sajuro]

(In a meeting between TIM and Shepherd)



TIM: Joker will have the coordinates for the..... do you have a question commander?



Shepherd: yeah... are you a porn star?



TIM: I beg your pardon?



Shepherd: just every time I call you, you have one more button undone on that shirt.

[Lilitv]

Melnerag wrote...
TIM: We need you to fight the reapers.
Shepard: So, you've spent 4 billions bringing me back.
TIM: We have.
Shepard: Lets see how much you value your investment...
*Puts gun on his/her temple and starts making demands*

I really wish I could do that!

And thanks Kerilus for the appreciation. I'll take this opportunity to say that I love Jarcander's stuff.





And now, get ready for exciting bonus content when you make a first hand purchase of Shepard: The Musical: Saviour of the Citadel. Bonus content includes: Exclusive interviews, deleted footage, and bloopers.


-Alternate Benezia's Indoctrination-
*It is a full moon night on Earth. In the woods, a silver car pulls over and out comes Saren without cybernetics and in casual clothing. Another person exits the car, this one a human female who strangely looks like Benezia. The moon is now obscured by clouds.*
Saren: *Grinning* Honestly, the mass effect generator broke.
Human Benezia: *Suggestively* So what are we going to do now?
*The two of them are now seen walking. It appears that they had a short argument off screen*
Human Benezia: I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
Saren: Can I ask you something?
Human Benezia: What?
Saren: You know I care about you?
Human Benezia: Yes!
Saren: And I hope you like me the way I like you. *Sticking his tounge out mentally*
Human Benezia: Yes!
Saren: I wonder if you would be my girl... *Holds back the urge to vomit*
Human Benezia: Oh Saren!
*Human Benezia steps forward and the both of them share a quick embrace. Saren then produces a ring and puts it on her finger*
Human Benezia: Its beautiful!
Saren: Now its official. *Clears throat* I have something I want to tell you.
Human Benezia: Yes Saren?
Saren: I'm not like other turians.
Human Benezia: Of course not! That's why I love you.
Saren: No, I mean I'm different.
Human Benezia: *Teasingly* What are you talking about?
*At that very moment, the clouds begin to clear, exposing the full moon. Saren starts wincing in pain*
Human Benezia: Are you alright?
Saren: *Looks at up Human Benezia with yellow eyes and large sharp teeth* GET OVER HERE!
*Human Benezia stays where she is, screaming as Saren morphs. His front teeth kept growing into oversized fangs, his scales losing its metalic quality, and his face morph into the rough shape of a varren. Only when Saren's transformation is complete did Human Benezia run. But Werevarren-Saren is on the chase, and after a short adrenaline pumping sequence, Human Benezia gets cornered and Werevarren-Saren moves in for the kill...*


*Just then, it is shown that Saren (also without implants but wearing armour) and Benezia are in a research facility watching a vid. From the sound of the vid, it seems like Werevarren-Saren is brutally mauling his prey*
Benezia: Can you switch it off?
Saren: No, I'm enjoying it. *Evil grin*
Benezia: Well, I can't watch!
*Benezia stands up and walks away. Very quickly, Saren follows her and they find themself entering Nazara. Music begins to play*
Saren: But its my grand plan!
Benezia: To trick humans into thinking you are a friend and then unleashing your weapon when you earn their trust?
Saren: You're a human sympathizer, aren't you!
Benezia: I just don't approve of your genocide.
*Saren starts singing and dancing around Benezia as they walk deeper into the corridors of Nazara*
Saren:  It's close to midnight, and something evil's lurking in the dark. Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart. You try to scream, but the engines start up before you can make it. You start to freeze, as indoctrination starts to affect your mind. You're paralysed! 
*Benezia starts smiling and Saren continues*
Saren:  You hear the door slam...
*A door closes and locks behind them*
Saren:  ...and realize there's nowhere left to run. You feel the cold hand...
*Saren reaches out to Benezia's chest, only to have it slapped away*
Saren:  ...and wonder if you'll ever see the sun. You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination. Ma'am, but all the while hear a creature creeping up behind. You're outta time! They're out to get you, there's Reapers closing in on every side. They will possess you, unless you're useful enough to be an aide. Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together.
*Saren tries to wrap his arm around Benezia, but once again has it slapped away*
Saren:  All through the night, I'll save you from the terror on the vid. I'll make you see!


*The pair walks pass a mass of Dragon's Teeth unaware. As they disappear off screen, you see husks slowly start to rise as Nazara's voice speaks*
Nazara: Darkness falls across the stars. The harvest hour is close at hand. Reapers come in search for life, to terrorise your star system. And whosoever shall be found, without the soul for getting down, must stand and face the husks of Hell, and rot inside a Collector's shell.
*The army of husks starts shambling towards Saren and Benezia*
Nazara: The foulest stench is in the air, the funk of 50000 years! And sentient ships from every gloom, are closing in to seal your doom. And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to shiver.  For no mere organic can resist, the evil of the Reapers!
*The husk horde now surrounds Saren and Benezia. The camera now zooms in the features of every husk, before finally settling on Saren with cybernetics. Saren and the husk starts doing the Thriller dance*
Saren:  Because this is a Reaper! Reaper's might! And no one's going to save you from the god about to strike! You know it's killer, Reaper's might! You're fighting for your life inside a killer Reaper, tonight! Because this is a Reaper! Reaper's might! There is no second chance to count the thing with forty guns, ma'am! You're fighting for your life inside a killer Reaper, tonight! Because I can reap you more than any Spectre would dare try! So let me hold you tight a share a killer diller chiller Reaper, tonight!


*Benezia uses a biotic move to clear a path and starts running out of Nazara and into her quarters in the research facility. The husks follow quickly behind and starts pounding on the door, succeeding in breaking it down even. Benezia stands on her bed, hands charging with biotic energy, ready to fight for her life as numerous husks begin pouring into the room. She close her eyes and take a deep breath, and opens them again to find her quarters in normal condition and a normal Saren standing in front of her. Confused, she drops her biotic field.*
Saren: *Smiling* What's the problem?
Benezia: *Indoctrinated stare*
Saren: Come on, I'll take you to Noveria.
*As they walk out of the room, Saren turns his face to the camera with an evil smile and glowing red eyes*

Modifié par Lilitv, 26 mars 2010 - 04:15 .

[Sajuro]

-what happened on the mission during which the crew of the Normandy were abducted-



Jack: I've had enough of your ****, you Cerberus ****!

Miranda: We've all heard it before Jack, why don't you try something new -gets jumped by Jack-

*sounds of clothing tearing*

Shepherd: Garrus, please tell me that eyepiece of yours has a recording feature.

Garrus while recording the fight: way ahead of you, Shepherd.

Tali:...... -nosebleed-

Grunt: I!AM!AROUSED!

Legion:... We have formed a consensus

Mordin: Do not see the....... very, very... interesting

-Emergency Message from Joker-

Shepherd: Joker. this better be important!

[Malysoun]

Shepard: *hacks cargo container and inspects the hammerhead*

M44: I am the M44 hammerhead fighting vehicle VI.

Shepard: Well this could be useful.

M44: I delete data like you on the way to real errors.

[BlindBay7]

This stuff just gets better every time I come back to this thread!

[Dragonelf68]

Kelly: You have a message waiting for you on your private terminal.

Shep: Thanks

[Checks Message]

From: UNKNOWN

Subject: ***ENCRYPTED TRANSMISSION***

Attatchement: Encrypted file -Download-



-No Message-



Shep: Wonder what this is *downloads the file*

Terminal: ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL

Shep: Oh ****! Kelly! I thought we had virus protection on this!

*Kelly dives behind the galaxy map*

Kelly: We did! Norton's subscription ran out a couple hours ago!

Terminal: MY ATTACKS WILL TEAR YOU APART *launches CD at shepard*

Shep: Where are my guns!

EDI: Sorry Commander. You are not allowed to pick up guns while on ship.

Shep: What?! A reaper just possesed my terminal!

Terminal: THIS HURTS YOU! *Launches another CD at Shepard*

Shep: Jacob!

Jacob: Again? I'm not big on forcing these talks commander.

Shep: Wha- Oh nevermin- *Another CD hits the wall behind shepard*

Shep: Garrus!

Garrus: Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations.

Shep: No it can't ****ing wait!

Terminal: IF I MUST, I WILL TEAR YOU APART SHEPARD. *A CD grazes the top of shepards head*

Shep: Jack! Could use some hel-

Jack: **** Off!

Shep: Stupid *****. Tali!

Tali: I'm busy cleaning the engine's.

Shep: Zaeed!

Zaeed: *goes off on another story*

Shep: Strong crew my ***

Terminal: You will know pain, Shepard.

*A CD cut's shepards arm*

Shep: Oh **** it all.

*Jumps out from behind cover and runs over to his terminal and turns it off*

Terminal: Kill one and one hundred replace it *shuts down*

Shep: EDI, summon the entire crew to the breifing room.

[Jarcander]

Dragonelf68 wrote...

*snip*
Shep: EDI, summon the entire crew to the breifing room.

That's all Kelly's fault, you know. She is supposed to filter your messages. 

[Dragonelf68]

I thought that was Miranda who filtered your messages.

[sagevallant]

* wandering around Citadel*

Speaker: I'm Commander Shephard, and this is my favorite shop on the Citadel.

Garrus: This, and every other one. Consumer-****.

Shepard: I do love those discounts.

Later...

Billboard: Shepard-O's. Because saving the universe--AGAIN--can wait until after breakfast. Just listen to satisfied this customer!

Joker's Voice: Hi, my name's Joker, and I have Brittle Bone disease. But, when I start my day with a bowl of Shepard-O's, I can fire an assault rifle for almost 5 whole seconds before it shatters both my wrists! Thanks, Shepard-O's!

Still later...

Billboard: Hi, I'm Commander Shepard, and I'm this generation's Commander Kirk. Humans, Asari, Quarians, I've done them all. If I ever figure out what a female Turian looks like, I'll be all over that too. How is it, you ask, that I can measure up to Krogan standards? Because I take Natural Growth, the all-natural herbal supplement for male enhancement. Even the elcors will be impressed.

Shepard: Ok, which one of you let me do an endorsement after I blacked out at the Dark Star Lounge?

Garrus: You insisted. Something about a lifetime supply.

Tali: I am so glad no one can see me blushing beneath the helmet.

Modifié par sagevallant, 29 mars 2010 - 09:17 .

[Dragonelf68]

Tali: I am so glad no one can see me blushing beneath the helmet.

Win.

[Sajuro]

-Shepherd goes to check on the crew in the hopes of getting a few more paragon points-



Shepherd: Hey Jack.

Jack: **** **** assbender goddamn space hamster ****ing I ****ing hate mother****ing cerberus, goddamn it all!

Shepherd:.... See you later then.

Jack: ****! **** **** *** **********!

-walks off too see Tali-

Shepherd: Tali, you got a minute?

Tali: I'm cleaning Garrus' engines

Shepherd: what!?

Garrus: not right now, I'm calibrating Tali.

Jack: -from downstairs- ******** *** god damn varren ******!

Shepherd: -face palm- you know what, never mind -walks off- Hey Zaeed, more war stories?

Zaeed: It was a cold day, I was crossing the river with general Washington.

Shepherd: what the ****? That was hundreds of years ago!

Zaeed:You survived being spaced, rage is a powerful anesthetic.

Shepherd: the ****? That doesn't explain anything! You know what, I'm leaving.

-goes to the second floor, not wanting to bother with Grunt-

Shepherd: Miranda, I think there's a gas leak on the lower floor.

Miranda: I'm a little busy.

-Perfectgrl2150 to Illusivedawg- omg! shepshep is soooo annoying!!!!1

-Illusivedawg to Perfectgrl2150- I knw. rlly. 40 bill credits, you think he'd be grateful lol.

Shepherd: never mind -leaves and walks past the sobbing doctor Chakwas- Samara, you want to talk?

Samara: Have I ever told you about my daughters?

Shepherd: Yeah, I know, your ovaries are a weapon of mass destruction.

Samara: I became a Justicar to atone for my sins, I kill only the wicked...

Shepherd: -leaves during monologue and goes to check on Thane-

Thane: I'm walking through the grocery store, list in hand. The florescent light casting a dim glow on the cheap tile floors. I watch her pass by in a short dress, my eyes linger. She looks back at me and her sunset eyes meet mine, they ask 'how dare you'.

Shepherd: You know, I don't know why I expected anything else.-goes to command deck-

-goes into research lab-

Shepherd: Mordin, please tell me you aren't like the rest.

Mordin: I noticed you are courting grunt.

Shepherd: what?

Mordin: I recommend having a safety word, personal experience. Sending a list of positions to your personal computer.

-Shepherd slowly backs away and goes into communication room and activates it-

Shepherd -to illusive man-: What the hell is wrong with my.... cr.... what the ****? are you naked?

TIM: I believe I am, do you have a problem Commander?

-Shepherd backs away-

Jacob: Hey Shepherd? wanna talk?

Shepherd: O.O! -backs slowly away from Jacob-

Jacob: what? I just want to talk with you Shepherd.

-shepherd locks Jacob in the armory and goes to the cockpit-

Shepherd: Joker, find a planet, I don't care which, and just plow the Normandy into the star it is orbiting.

Joker: Yeah, can we change EDI's image to a varren- I mean a... naked woman? yeah, I want EDI to be a.. naked woman >.> <.<

-Shepherd just sighs and leaves-

Kelly: Space Hamster wishes to see you in the Captain's Cabin.

Shepherd: fine, fine. -goes up to Cabin-

Space Hamster: ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!





-Sorry for reusing that joke for the last part-

[Lilitv]

sagevallant wrote...
Billboard: Shepard-O's. Because saving the universe--AGAIN--can wait until after breakfast. Just listen to satisfied this customer!

Joker's Voice: Hi, my name's Joker, and I have Brittle Bone disease. But, when I start my day with a bowl of Shepard-O's, I can fire an assault rifle for almost 5 whole seconds before it shatters both my wrists! Thanks, Shepard-O's!

I want some Shepard-O's!


And now for a little jingle I get during Tali's recruitment in ME1.

*Shepard walks into Chora's Den and starts shooting the place up, and then goes straight to save Tali after dealing with FIst*
Shepard: Tali are you okay? So Tali are you okay? Are you okay Tali? You've been tricked by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal!
Tali:Yes, I am. Thank you for your concern. And I figured out the last part myself, if you were refering to Fist being a smooth criminal.
Shepard: