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[Bomb In My Pants]

PissedofatEA wrote...

Shepard: Gardner, what do you have on the menu today?

Gardner (who is in drag): We got egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, eggs, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; and finally spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam.

Shepard (slighty uneasy): Uh do you have anything without spam? 

I didn't realize that Monty Python was on the Normandy crew.

Gardner: Ewww....

Shepard: Eww? You know I don't like spam!

Crewmates (all dressed up as Vikings): Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. SPAMITY SPAM! WONDERFUL SPAM!!!!!!

Shepard: Screw it, I'm going to see if Garrus needs any help repairing bicycles and killing Communists.

Modifié par Bomb In My Pants, 03 octobre 2010 - 03:50 .

[Bomb In My Pants]

I didn't realize that Monty Python was on the Normandy's crew.^





Epic technical fail.

[Amethra]

*Shepard is visiting Mordin regarding on her relationship with Garrus*

Mordin: ...also forwarding an advice booklet to your quarters, demonstrational vids, diagrams, positions enjoyable for both species....
Shepard: Um....why you have all this stuff just lying around?
Mordin: Am doctor, need to prepare for anything. Small ship, many tastes.
Shepard: I understand, but where did you get all this?
Mordin: Found from EDI's hard drive. Impressive, wouldn't have thought Cerberus's this prepared. Even though still have to bring own guns.
EDI: Have to correct you, doctor Solus. The following files are not downloaded by Cerberus personnels.
Shepard: ...EDI, give me the full information about there files.
EDI: Affirmative, Commander. Date of download 23-9 from different hosts to terminal 8B. Safe copies installed to ship's hard drive, from where Dr. Solus eventually copied them.
Shepard: 8B? *Storms from the lab*
Mordin: Where you're going, Shepard? Have not finished talking
Shepard: Later, Mordin. For now, I'm going to throw Joker out of airlock.

* * 

*Shepard and Thane kiss*

Shepard: Mmhm, that was....woah! My hands are huge!
Thane: Siha, are you alright?
Shepard: Why yes, superman, I feel completely fine once the monkey stops playing banjo. It's horrible.
Thane: Maybe we should consult Dr Chakwas or Dr Solus...
Shepard: ...woah. I can taste colours! 
Thane: Maybe you should lie down, siha...
Shepard: The clowns really need to practice their riverdance act, don't you think?
Thane: Oh my gods...

* *

TIM: Ah, Commander. I assume you know why I wanted to talk to you.
Shepard: The facility I blew up with Jack and Garrus had been abandoned for years. It could have not been salvaged and the deeds done there were horrible and inhumane.
TIM: Actually, I wanted to talk you about the...incident you had in the lab with Professor Solus lately.
Shepard: Oh...you heard about that?
TIM: I didn't just hear about it, I saw it with my own eyes. I have planted surveillance cameras all over the Normandy.
Shepard: ...
TIM: Why so silent, Commander? It seemed that you enjoyed it.
Shepard: I'm sorry, I promise it won't happen again.
TIM: I don't care what you or your crew do on their free time, but in future make sure that such...unofficial activies are not engaged in public. It disturbs the work of the crew.
Shepard: I'm sorry, I just couldn't help it. Between you and me, I was really, really tipsy after sharing a bottle of brandy with Dr. Chakwas and then I went to the lab to see how much progress Mordin had made. You know what booze does to people.
TIM: Commander...
Shepard: He had told me previously how he would be willing to try me and it somehow got out of hands. Speaking of hands, for an alien who has no sex drive he surely did know how to use his fingers...
TIM: ....I was talking about the little musical performance he gave to you...please, ask him not to sing while working, it's annoyingly catchy.
Shepard: Oh...
TIM: ...
Shepard: May I...return to my duties?
TIM: Yes.
*Shepard leaves*
TIM: ...EDI, give me the video feed from the science lab from last week....I really need to see this.

Modifié par Amethra, 04 octobre 2010 - 07:13 .

[DoomMech]

[Commander shepard meets Corporal Toombs on a distant planet. Shepard challenged Toombs to a fight to the death following the threatening E-mail Toombs sent him. The chosen batteground was an old bunker]

Toombs: I told you I would find you, Shepard! You played me for a sucker two years ago, now you're working for Cerberus! 

Shepard: Didn't really have a choice you know.

Toombs: Well now we finish it! I put you down like the dog you are!

[Shepard notices explosive canister next to the main support beam. In a flash, he whips out his pistol and shoots it, causing it to explode and the roof to collapse on Toombs]

Shepard: Looks like Toombs,   Found his.

Joker (over comm): YEEEAAAHHHH!

[DoomMech]

[Shepard walks around Liara "The Shadow Broker" T'soni's new base. A glowing white drone follows him around]

Drone: The Turian Councilor' mistriss has made a series of unusual purchases. She is probably moving to a larger mansion

Shepard: ....... Liara, can I use  your phone?

[Later on the FTL phone with the Turian Councillor]

Shepard: So you see councillor, unless you fess up and admit I was right, your wife is going to find out who you've been playing "Hide The Figate" with.

Turian Councillor: This is Blackmail!

Shepard: Ah yes "Blackmail"; The act of using compromising information to coerce favors from individuals. I have dismissed these claims.

Turian Councillor: *incoherent rage*

Shepard: Oh and could you pull a few strings to get me my own Dreadnaught? Thanks, toodles!

[VutaatVerd]

DoomMech wrote...

[Shepard walks around Liara "The Shadow Broker" T'soni's new base. A glowing white drone follows him around]

Drone: The Turian Councilor' mistriss has made a series of unusual purchases. She is probably moving to a larger mansion

Shepard: ....... Liara, can I use  your phone?

[Later on the FTL phone with the Turian Councillor]

Shepard: So you see councillor, unless you fess up and admit I was right, your wife is going to find out who you've been playing "Hide The Figate" with.

Turian Councillor: This is Blackmail!

Shepard: Ah yes "Blackmail"; The act of using compromising information to coerce favors from individuals. I have dismissed these claims.

Turian Councillor: *incoherent rage*

Shepard: Oh and could you pull a few strings to get me my own Dreadnaught? Thanks, toodles!

I like this one, everyone needs a Dreadnaught

[Nozybidaj]

Gabey5 wrote...
Shepard: "So what... would you say... you do here?"
Kelly:"I have a degree in psychology, and I can brief you on the crew. For
example, Jack is a psychopath, and the krogan is very violent."
Shepard: "Yeah, thanks, Sherlock. What else?"
Kelly: "I um... I can tell you when someone on your crew wants to talk to you!"
Shepard: "It's not that big a ship, Kelly, and there's TEN people on the team. Keep trying."
Kelly: "I'll tell you when you get e-mail!"
Shepard:"You're standing next to my computer. The only time I'd hear you is
when I'm on my way to the computer to check my messages. I think I'm
going to have to let you g---"
Kelly: "I'll **** you."
Shepard: "Rock on."

Hahaha, that's good stuff.  I have a whole new appreciation for Kelly now.

[DoomMech]

[Spacer Shepard meets Mr. Anoleis on Noveria]

Mr. A: You will forgive me if I don't stand up. I have no time to entertain space born vagabonds.

Shepard: You got a problem with spacers?

Mr.A: I have a problem with any transient population, probably tax dodgers.

Shepard: My parents are captains of dreadnaughts.

Mr.A: Oh....

--------------

[Colonist Shepard meets Anoleis]

Mr.A: You will forgive me if I don't stand up. I have no time to entertain colonial rubes.

Shepard: You got a problem with colonials?

Mr.A:No respect for economics. Socialists and communists, all of them.

Shepard: (sarcastic) Thank you, my home was Mindoir. My parents and friends were all killed by slavers. How does that make you feel?

-----------------
[Earthborn Shepard meets Anoleis]

Mr.A: You will forgive me if I don't stand up. I have no time to entertain refugees from that urban blight you call Earth

Shepard: Funny thing about humans. We tend to be pretty loyal to our homeworld.

Mr.A: If you take some perverse pride in that acidwash dirtball go ahead. My planet is clean, poverty is non-existant.

Shepard: *BOOM HEADSHOT*
 

[zer0netgain]

Matriach Aethyta:  Krogans think scars are sexy.  Me...I go for asses.

Shepard:  So does your daughter.  Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

[VutaatVerd]

Shepard in the Mako after the Normandy blew.





Ashley: Hey Commander I think your still hasn't improved at all.



Shepard: I'm in space with the Mako how could I not be a better driver.



Ashley: Well Commander, from here it looks like you are doing a barrel roll on all Axis.



Shepard: Well now that you say that I was wondering why I started to feel Gravity in Space.



Shepard: Ashley shotgun seat is open for you.



Ashley: ....

[Sandbox47]

Oh, wow! I bow to my betters. I could not do them so quickly and so many at once.

[SageRuffin]

Long story short, expect for there to be a lot more swearing and punches.

[Cousland001]

bump?

[Sajuro]

 -walking into the Turian councilor's private chambers-
Shepard: What is this about? Where are the other Councilors?
Velarn: They won't be coming Shepard. I wanted to talk to you, alone.
Shepard: Are you going to believe me about the Reapers finally?
Velarn: -turns away- We always believed you Shepard, the proof was all there. It's... just...
Shepard: WHAT? What the hell is it?
Velarn: I couldn't stand to lose you again , I thought you died when the Normandy was destroyed. When you came back, I didn't know you would come back if I told you about the reapers.
Shepard:  what?
Velarn: I love you Shepard, I have feelings for you... and I can't dismiss that claim.

[Moiaussi]

Illusive Man: "Here's four dossiers and a ship. Start building your team."
Shepard:"You gave me four dossiers, but the shuttle you supplied me can only
carry three people. I already have Miranda and Jacob. What's the point?"
Illusive Man: "Ignore what the shuttle is designed for. I have intel stating that at some point in this mission,  you will be able to fit all squad members on board, and furthermore will head off in it to some unspecified and completely irrelevant destination."


Shepard: "Esteemed Council members, I know I have come across as a raving loon in the past, but since then I have managed to gather considerable evidence, including a second beacon found nowhere near anywhere Saren traveled which transmits the exact same psychic message I saw, data proving that the large spaceship hulk that I reported which chasing Saren had identical structure and composition, evidence that the collectors are modified Protheans (by the way, here is the key to their base). Oh, and you might be interested in studying Cerberus' improvements to the Normandy.

Furthermore, here is a dossier on what I have learned of Cerberus's operations. I have indicated sources. As indicated, I strongly suggest not taking any data from TIM or Miranda seriously as they have a tendancy to tell conflicting stories, and in the case of TIM, lie through the teeth at the drop of a hat.

By the way, precisely what was the source of the information that I was working with Cerberus? I was incapacitated for most of that two years and thus not working let alone working for anyone."



Shepard: "Tali, if you want your father's name to stay clear we are going to have to do something about this data so that they don't simply look at it and realize we are lieing through our teeth. Is there any particular reason we shouldn't destroy it? Not only for the sake of your father but for the safety of the Quarian people?"


Shepard: "Ashley (or Kaiden), are you ok? I have missed you. After the Normandy went down, Cerberus captured my body and put me back together. I don't like working with them, but they set me up by sending false information to the Council and for now seem to be the only game in town. The Reapers are still out there. The attack on this planet proves it. I need your help against them, and against Cerberus, and ideally to get back to working with the Alliance, Council or no Council. I am not asking you to work with Cerberus, but are you willing to trust me enough to do what you can?

By the way, this may sound strange, but do you realize how much you sound like Kaiden (or Ashley)?"



Shepard: Okeer, my squad will take care of the gas and make sure your 'project' is safe. There is no need for you to stand around here and simply die. Get yourself to our shuttle now. Your data regarding the Collectors is needed, not just by us, but by your people as well.


Shepard: "Joker, we are inside the shields of the Collector base, correct? Is there any good reason not to simply blow this thing all the way back back to whereever reapers come from?"
Joker: "None whatsoever. Will do, commander!"


Shepard: "Garrus, these new weapons you've invented...... they have made me wonder. Can we arm the shuttle? Ground support might be useful on occasion, like if, say, we need to make sure someone tries to simply fly off and gets away because we couldn't get through a burning building fast enough when we could have had a shuttle overhead covering all exits"

Modifié par Moiaussi, 19 janvier 2011 - 06:43 .

[zer0netgain]

Avina: Thank you for shopping at Costco.

[AkiKishi]

In most cases "It's funny because it's true" !



Thanks a bunch whoever dug this one up. I'm still on page 5.

[zer0netgain]

FemShep in sickbay, bloated from head to toe with multiple IVs plugged in as Mordin and Chakwas attend....

Miranda:  What on earth happened to her?

Garrus: (blushing):  She...er...ingested.

***

Shepard in sickbay....in a full body cast....

Jacob:  What on Earth happened?

Mordin:  Attempted 3-way with Miranda and Jack...failed to consult literature regarding inventive use of biotic fields.

Jacob (approving):  Daaayyymmm.

Shepard (mumbling):  Totally worth it.

Joker:  Did you take pictures?

Modifié par zer0netgain, 16 février 2011 - 05:09 .

[Chewin]

This thread is awesome

Modifié par Chewin3, 18 février 2011 - 05:33 .

[football_punk64]

*Shepard and the team looking over a decimated reaper fleet*

Joker- So Commander, Are you gonna let us in on the secret of how you single handedly Sheparded the entire Reaper fleet?

Shepard- Did you just use my name as a verb?

Joker- Uh yeah... Every enemy you meet tends to blow up. Why is there sissors floating around in Space?

Shepard- See the reapers? THATS WHAT HAPPENEDS WHEN YOU RUN WITH SISSORS!!!!!!!



It's way to late at night to be writing this. I thought I'd try my hand.

[Thornorr]

"Soooo i just put some of this gel on, and it'll open any safe?....I'll have some of that - also, give me two of the anti-Reaper gel from the third shelf, please. Thanks!"

[thelimoiscoming]

*A conversation between shop owners*

shop owner 1: So you will not believe what happened yesterday guys! I got an endorsement from Commander ****ing Shepard!!!
shop owner 2: What??? No way!!! So did I!!!
shop owner 3: Yeah! Me too!!!
shop owner 4: And me!
shop owner 1: Yeah well, the endorsement he gave me might just put you guys outta business!
shop owner 2: No way!
shop owner 3: STFU!
shop owner 4: What did he say?
shop owner 1: He said that my store was his favorite ****ing store on the entire ****ing citadel!!!!
shop owner 2, 3, & 4: .......................
shop owner 1: ...What?
shop owner 2: Um....
shop owner 3: Yeah....
shop owner 4: He said that on mine...
shop owner 1: What???
shop owner 2: And mine...
shop owner 3: Yeah...mine too!!! WTF????
shop owner 1: ****! That bastard played us! I'm gonna give him a call right now!!!
*Dials number. Puts it on speakerphone. Rings a couple of times*
Shepard: Hi, I'm Commander Shephard, and this is my favorite voicemail in th-
*Click*

Cue laughing track

Seriously though, great thread guys.

[oksbad]

I though that this was a good enough thread to revive. Wasn't that dead.

Mr. Gogeta34 wrote...

TIM:  "Shepard while we rebuilt you we got a peak into some of your memories."

Shepard:  "And you tell me this now... in the middle of our suicide mission... because?"

TIM:  "Well... remember how Sovereign said to you that the cycle of Reapers wiping out all life has happened more times than you can fathom?"

Shepard:  "Yeah"

TIM:  "And that all sentient life developed along the paths they desired... by using the Mass Relays?"

Shepard:  "By using only Relay-level technology all sentient life was wiped out an endless number of times... I know this"

TIM:  "Why do you think that happened?"

Shepard:  "Because the Reapers arrived with much greater tech than that"

TIM:  "sigh...  That's why we should keep the base, this is that "much greater tech" Shepard, this is our chance to break the cycl-"

Shepard:  "No... people died here and that's an abomination"

TIM:  ".... that's a stupid excuse and you know it Shepard!"

Shepard:  "I won't let fear compromise who I am... and I'm afraid of what you'll do with it"

TIM:  "WE'LL ALL BE DEAD SHEPARD!"

Shepard:  "I'll defeat the Reapers but I won't sacrifice the soul of humanity to do it"

TIM:  ".... Where did that even come from!?  Look, Shepard, we need to adapt the Reaper's superior technology if we want to break the cycle...  We'll die like the others if we don't-"

Shepard:  "Sovereign was exaggerating.  We'll win if we fight together... we don't need to know the what all Reapers can do.. we just need to know ourselves"

TIM:  "I'm sure that's what they all sai-"

Shepard:  "You know what, we don't need you either TIM...  the only people we need fighting the Reapers are those who don't care or deny their existence."

TIM:  "..."  //disconnects

TIM: Preserve that base shephard! Don't mind the fact that I only gave you instructions to preserve collector tech five seconds before you were going to destroy it!

Shephard: Err... You think it can help?

TIM: Absolutely, we need to study reaper technology to defeat them. Cerberus excels at cutting edge research such as this! Remember how we almost caused a technological apocalypse by attempting to control the geth? Or how our teams sent to study the direlect reaper all ended up dead?

Shephard: Hmm, you have a point

TIM: But remember how successful we were in domesticating husks, creepers and rachni! They all turned into excellent troops for killing!

Shephard: Ok, I'll preserve the base.

TIM: Don't worry about us failing this time! All Cerberus has to do is try to get indoctrinated and help the reapers! That way we will definately fail and manage to destroy them once and for all! That's how we succeeded in the lazarus project, our goal was actually to kill you permanently!

Shephard: You have a point. The only way to stop the reapers is by cooperating with a terrorist organization that has a higher body count than Saren with a history of failed attempts at controling their enemies!

Modifié par oksbad, 21 mars 2011 - 08:25 .

[Dark Penitant]

^^
xD
Nice.
Bump because this thread is f**king amazing.

[Pordis Shepard]

Did I miss this one in there?

Garrus carries Shepard into sickbay...

Chakwas: What happened?

Garrus: Er...she told me she had the flexibility...