741 réponses à ce sujet

[Fulgrim88]

Hilarious thread

[Abirn]

Shepard: "Wait, do you not remember
the last game? Does the name 'Saren' ring a bell? I wasn't exactly
crying wolf ANY of the six times I told you that there was some serious
**** about to go down. What do I have to do, ride an Elcor around the
Presidium with a lantern and yell "The Reapers are coming! The Reapers
are coming!?"

cannot breathe lmao

[stillnotking]

SHEPARD: Hey Jacob, you got a minute?
JACOB: Again?  I'm not big on forcing these talks, Commander.
SHEPARD: Rude much, ***hole?  *BLAM*

[CFlash]

MOAR!

[Gabey5]

ill try to post more a bit later

[ODST 3]

Shepard: Scared, Ms. Lawson?



Miranda: Yeah, kinda. Your eyes are glowing red and your face is torn up like Jake Lamotta's.



Shepard: You sure did a good job putting me back together.

[Shadow_Puppet]

BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

These are freakin' hilarious!!!

[Katsaurs]

ODST 3 wrote...

Joker: "I can still save the Normandy! Just hand me my face mask."

Shepard: "We're in a vacuum and your skin is exposed."

Joker: "I'm very resilient."

Shepard: [flies out into space and dies] "Apparently I'm not."

Oh jesus this one broke me

[Gabey5]

onebump

[SnakeHelah]

Shepard: Ashley... It's been 2 years... I was... Dead. But I'm back, and there is a great threat, the Reape-
Ashley: OMG WTF? THAT A CERBERUS ICON ON THAT DUDE'S SUIT. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU CRAZY WORKING WITH TERRORISTS, IT'S IN MY BLOOD I AM ALLIANCE. DONT ASK ME TO JOIN YOU!
Shepard: But, i was dead for 2 years and they paid 4 bilion-
Ashley: Don't GIVE ME YOUR STUPID EXSCUSES YOU! This is IT. I PRAYED TO MY GOD AND YOU RETURNED. SO WHAT. OH YEAH I ALSO READ SOME POEMS.
Shepard: But... But... Don't do this to me.. Humanity is facing the greatest threat so far and we need to -
Ashley: SORRY I NEED TO GO I WAS JUST PARALYZED A FEW MINUTES AGO By some kind of bug... Wait, Why is half the colony gone? Ah, i'll just return to the alliance, you ass, they said there are no Reapers and you go on about "The greatest threat"? That's your exscuse for working with Cerberus. Bai bai.
Shepard: I've had enough of this colony!

Modifié par SnakeHelah, 10 février 2010 - 03:35 .

[Gabey5]

Ashley: "Heavy resistance at the AA guns! Kirrahe is down! I need support!"

Kaidan: "A geth dropship just landed at the nuke! We're being overwhelmed!"

Ashley: "Forget about me, Commander! The nuke is the priority!"

Kaidan: "I've got the nuke, Gunnery Chief! I can set if off manually! Commander, get to the AA tower!"

Shepard: *private channel to Ashley* "Gunnery Chief... no, Ashley... I'll let everyone know you died a hero. Your name will be cleared. I'll see to it personally the name Williams goes down in history as the Alliance's proudest. I'm sorry."

Ashley: "Give 'em hell, Commander!"

Shepard: *private channgel to Kaidan* "Lieutenant... Kaidan... this is probably the hardest command decision an officer can make. You're an outstanding officer, and more than that, a friend. You've made me proud."

Kaidan: "I understand, Commander. It's been an honor serving with you."

Shepard: *private channel to Joker* "Pick me up between the AA tower and the breeding grounds."

Joker: "Um... OK. *aside* I'm sure the Commander has a plan..."

Shepard: "Go go go!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Shepard: "Woo hoo! 2 for 1

[Jarcander]

*squad enters Collector ship*

Joker: Something doesn't feel right here, be careful Shephard.
Shephand: *sigh* Right, all these convient barricades to take cover in and no enemies. We are so fighting all the way back to the shuttle.

*squad enters the great canyon filled with pods deeper inside the Collector ship*

The squad: Oh my god, enough pods to store billions of humans! They are going to attack
Earth!
Shephand: Uh, hello? First; where did that they are going attack Earth came from? Second; if a slightly improved frigate can take down this ship, what would a bloody dreadnaught do to it? We have like six or seven of them. Jeez, dramatic much? Now lets go spring this trap so TIM can feel good of himself.

Modifié par Jarcander, 10 février 2010 - 03:40 .

[Gabey5]

Shepard: "Liara, I need to sell some element zero. Who do I talk to?"

Liara: "Shepard, I do not understand."

Shepard: "Look, I've got fifty thousand units, and I need some credits to buy a shotgun upgrade."

Liara: "Shepard... no one buys element zero."

Shepard: "What, is it like a controlled substance? Do I need a license? Look, how about palladium? I have 130,000 units and nothing to do with it."

Liara: "Shepard, no one buys palladium, either. Or platinum, or iridium."

Shepard: "Wait, what? So how the hell do people get them?"

Liara: "Well, occasionally people find them sitting around in mercenary bases... or spaceports... or apartments. Some people manually scan planets and probe deposits."

Shepard: "But then what?"

Liara: "Well, then they use them."

Shepard: "So... there's no market for them?"

Liara: "Of course not, Shepard. Are you feeling all right?"

Shepard: "Dammit. Well, can I get a loan?"

Liara: "When the Shadow Broker slips up... I'll be there."

Shepard: "Look, you know I'm good for it."

Liara: "When the Shadow Broker slips up... I'll be there."

Shepard: "God damnit"

---

[Gabey5]

*Dating*



Jacob: "So, Commander, you and Miranda, huh?"

Shepard: "Mr. Taylor, what do you think about the mission?"

Jacob: "OK, OK, it's cool. I just thought you should know, man to man, that I hit that. Whatever her dad paid for, we got his money's worth, am I right? The way she does that thing with her tongue? I wonder how much THOSE alleles cost. Know what I'm saying?"

Shepard: "Wait what?"

Jacob: "She didn't mention that, huh? Yeah, we had a thing going on."

Shepard: "I... excuse me. Thank you for telling me."

LATER

Shepard: *intercom* "Miranda, I need to see you in my cabin immediately."

Miranda: "Yes, Shepard?"

Shepard: "Hey look, I can't take sloppy seconds from a member of my crew. Let's pretend this never happened."

Miranda: "What?! Shepard, I... I love you..."

Shepard: "Hey, you're engineered to be perfect, you'll find another guy. It's just too weird. Jacob's my bro. And you know what they say."

Miranda: "Once you go bl--"

Shepard: "No, the other one. Because that's obviously not the case."

Miranda: "Wait, I am NOT a h----"

Shepard: "Yeah, that one. Thanks for the achievement and all, but this really isn't going to work. Toodles."

[Skalman91]

Jarcander wrote...

*squad enters Collector ship*

Joker: Something doesn't feel right here, be careful Shephard.
Shephand: *sigh* Right, all these convient barricades to take cover in and no enemies. We are so fighting all the way back to the shuttle.

*squad enters the great canyon filled with pods deeper inside the Collector ship*

The squad: Oh my god, enough pods to store billions of humans! They are going to attack
Earth!
Shephand: Uh, hello? First; where did that they are going attack Earth came from? Second; if a slightly improved frigate can take down this ship, what would a bloody dreadnaught do to it? We have like six or seven of them. Jeez, dramatic much? Now lets go spring this trap so TIM can feel good of himself.

this is so true....

[Jarcander]

Gabey5 wrote...

Shepard: "Woo hoo! 2 for 1

ME1 needs this... badly. :innocent:

[Kyria Nyriese]

TIM: Yeah we found this distress signal from the Turians, they disabled a Collector Ship before it destroyed them.

Shepard: Now wait a minute, the most advanced ship in the Human Systems Alliance can't scratch a Collector Ship and the Turians convientiely disabled one before they were convientiely destroyed?  I don't think so

TIM: Well yes it was a surprise attack.

Shepard:  The Turians don't even believe anything is going on, why would they attack a Collector Ship without provocation?

TIM: They were on patrol, the ummmm..... collector ship attacked them first... yeah that's it.

Shepard: We're back to my first question here.  This is a trap isn't it?

TIM: Uh....  no what makes you think that?  *Whistles distractedly*

Shepard: Yeah right.... whatever, you keep this up and I'm going to come find you and kick your *** before I go take out the collectors.

*Shepard walks out of comm range*

[Kyria Nyriese]

TIM: You should know, that Kaidan Alenko is on Horizon as well.

Shepard:  OK this is going to far, how in **** did the Collectors just happen to maybe going to hit the colony where my bf is at on assignment.  This is a trap isn't it.  

TIM: What is it with you and this paranoia?  Just listen to me, go to Horizon, I bet you will find the collectors there.

Shepard:  When this is over with I am so coming after you... *ends Comm*

TIM: Why did I bring back someone with this much deductive reasoning to save humanity and let the rest of the galaxy burn?

[Tooneyman]

Codex: Turian and Quarians are toxic to humans, but we still have sex with them. Hmmm!

[Jarcander]

Inspired by all that talk of Shephands lousy dancing skills.

 *Shephard watches Legion dance in AI core after the suicide mission*

Shephard: Hey Legion, get ready, we are going to Citadel next.
Legion: We do not think Geth would make a good impression considering our last visit.
Shephand: Nah, don’t worry about. I’m *sure* you’ll just waltz right thru security anyway. I need you at Dark Star.
Legion: We are on a mission?
Shephand: No no, chill out. I need you to teach me how dance.
Legion: Chances of success are lower in our last mission.

Modifié par Jarcander, 10 février 2010 - 04:13 .

[Skalman91]

Tooneyman wrote...

Codex: Turian and Quarians are toxic to humans, but we still have sex with them. Hmmm!

Dr. Solus: "Don't ingest."

[valttu]

The first page of this thread seriously made my day! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks Gabey5 and others too!

[Ulicus]

Gabey5: Bravo. Just bravo. Pretty much everything you've written has been hilarious.

[Scylene]

I feel like I'm reading snippets from Mock Effect 2.