741 réponses à ce sujet

[ElectAcclaimer]

Oh my gosh, the funniest ME jokes I ever read! Ever! Keep it up guys, thank u all!!

[SgtPotato]

Tali: Shepard, my love, how about you send all of the secret military data to this handy Reaper email?

Shepard: HARBINGER! Release control of Tali this instant!

Harbinger: (to self) How does he always notice?

[JamieCOTC]

femShepard: Are you saying you want a relationship even though we are both women? Are you a lesbian?

Liara: Asari are a mono-gendered race. Male and female have no meaning --

femShepard:Liara? Do you have breasts?

Liara:Yes, but --

femShepard:Do you have a vagina?

Liara:Yes.

femShepard:Do you want to **** me?

Liara:Um, Yes, but Asari are a mono-gendered race. Male and female have no meaning --

femShepard:Yeah. whatever, Cleopatra.

[Darth_Ultima]

Advertisement: I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel.

Tourist #1: Didn't he say that about the last five stores we visited honey.

Tourist #2: When the Reapers didn't return Shepard had to stay in the spotlight somehow.

Tourist #1: What a publicity ****.

[Remaix]

Gabey5 wrote...

Elcor: "Polite request: Junior, please clean your room."
Young Elcor: "Combative response: No, it is my room. You are not the boss of me."
Elcor: "Adamant assertion: As long as you live in my house, you will do what I say."
Young Elcor: "Angsty reminder: You are not even my real dad."
Elcor: "Angry rejoinder: I pay the mortgage. While you are under my roof, you must comply."
Young Elcor: "Childish complaint: I hate you. Insincere: I'm running away."

Simply hilarious!
How come everything you write ends up being brilliant?

[Litos456]

HAAHHAAHAHA BEST THREAD EVER! GOOD JOB EVERYONE! Here I got a few too:



Tali: Shepard... is that really you?

Shepard: Yeah, Tal, can you believe this? I'm alive!

Tali: Alright, I think we need to work together here. To get to Veetor we need to--

Shepard: Wait what? Aren't you excited that I'm here and I'm alive?

Tali: Yes but right now we need to focus on getting Veetor!

Shepard: You've been in love with me for 2 years and you don't even give me a hug after I died and came back from the dead?

Tali: *blushes* Shepard! We can discuss this later, right now we need to get to doing the mission!

Shepard: Alright alright fine you have a point Veetor will probably ****** himself if we don't get there in time...

------

At the end of the mission:

Tali: What? You can't give Veetor to Cerberus. We can't trust them.

Jacob+Miranda: Bla bla bla...

Shepard: Veetor goes with Tali. He's badly hurt and gives medical attention.

Tali: Thank you Shepard. We will give you his omni tool and you can get the info from there.

Shepard: Right Tali, now about the conversation we had earl--

*mission ends*



---------------------------------



Shepard: F*ck, my fish died again. Hmm, maybe I should ask Kelly to feed them for me.

Shepard: Hey Kelly, can you feed my fish for me when I'm away?

Kelly: Well no Shepard, I can't do that until you invite me to dinner...

Shepard: But I thought you were my assistant?

Kelly: Yeah but normally I don't even know you have a fish tank up there. I've never been in your quaters.

Shepard: Well I'm telling you now.

Kelly: Just take me to dinner already!

Shepard: You know what, we can just as well eat my dead fish. Let's go.



------------------------------------



TIM: Shepard, that base could have been an extremely useful resource to humanity.

Shepard: Dude, the sun behind you is blue. That means it likes what I did. 'nuff said.



--------------------------------------



Shepard: Hello there Admiral, what do you think about Tali's trial?

Admiral Xen: Well I am only but wondering what her father was doing on that sh--

Shepard: **** IT'S MORRIGAN! *slaps and runs away giggling*

[Treeey]

Karlojey wrote...

Suprez30 wrote...

Shepard :I'm interested in you
Tali :Really .. Oh ahh .. Start to blush..
Shepard : Do you have a Vagina?
Tali : What

WTF?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thumbs up dude!

LOL couldn't stop laughing.

Srsly, BioWare should hire Gabey5 to write the lines for ME3.
I SUPPORT GABEY5 TO WRITE STORY FOR ME3!!!

[8T8]

Jack: This is where i ****ing shot this guy in his ****ing head, it exploaded all over the ****ing wall, stupid ****ing ****, thought he could **** with me, that ****ing ****er!

Shepard: Thats nice.

Modifié par 8T8, 10 février 2010 - 07:12 .

[Litos456]

Shepard goes to Ilos and fixes Vigil, then brings the council there/brings Vigil to the council.



Vigil: Hello. Shepard is correct. The reapers are coming and they are a big threat to the whole galaxy. *tells the whole story*

Council: That could be just a mock up VI program.

Vigil: I speak on my own behalf, and I can speak and think like an AI while myself being only a VI. This proves I am 50 thousand years old and am very advanced, and I am direct proof of the reapers.

Council: With modern technology you can just record these messages. I bet someone is speaking through it from a remote location right now!

Vigil: That is not true, I am--

Council: This meeting is adjourned.

Vigil: ARE YOU ****ING SERIOUS?! IM A ***ING 50K YEAR OLD VI TELLING YOU THAT THE REAPERS ARE REAL AND THIS PLUS EVERYTHING ELSE YOU'VE SEEN SHOULD BE ENOUGH PROOF WTF

Shepard: Sigh

[Shadow_Puppet]

Gabey5 wrote...

Elcor: "Polite request: Junior, please clean your room."
Young Elcor: "Combative response: No, it is my room. You are not the boss of me."
Elcor: "Adamant assertion: As long as you live in my house, you will do what I say."
Young Elcor: "Angsty reminder: You are not even my real dad."
Elcor: "Angry rejoinder: I pay the mortgage. While you are under my roof, you must comply."
Young Elcor: "Childish complaint: I hate you. Insincere: I'm running away."

LOL

Priceless.

[radtz]

Shep: So let me get this straight... You wanna shoot that guy in the head (nods head towards Turian sittting on a bench 50 feet away)

Garrus: Yes

Shep: You have the rifle in your hand SHOOT HIM!

Garrus: Don't be stupid Shepard, I need you to bring him closer.

Shep: But you were just spalttering the brains of hundreds of mercs from like 200 feet away just 2 days a ago?!?!

Garrus: We have to do this the right way Shepard.

Shepard: Ok let's just recap this mission. You won't shoot him where he sits with his head not moving at 50 feet away, so you want me to bring him about ten feet away from you so you can shoot him even though we both know you can shoot him from about 800 yards away when he is running at full speed, right?

Garrus: correct

Shep: So you would feel more comfortable with the shot if I was standing between your target and your gun barrel.

Garrus: yep

Shep: This doesn't remind you in any way of the time you got your entire crew capped? You see no issues what so ever with your "plan" here do you?

Garrus: No... Revenge is a dish best serve...__KABBOOM__ (small contrail is visible from Shepprd's OmniTool to the incineration blast and smoking Turian corpse 50 feet away)

Shep: F***ing moron....

Modifié par radtz, 10 février 2010 - 07:19 .

[Axeface]

Shepard: "Ok Joker, put me on loud speaker"



Joker: "Sure thing Commander"



Shepard: "Crew this is your commander. You all know the deal, we have a galaxy to save. It's not going to be easy, people are going to die, and for this reason.... *inhale* You are all, except Tali, ordered onto the shuttle at once, to leave for omega or wherever else takes your fancy".



Tali (Gorgeous nervous voice): "What?? Shepard!?"



Shepard: "Yes Tali. I'm taking you away from all of this. We're going to run away to dark space and live together happily ever after, alone and safe from the incoming galactic destruction. The rest of you have 5 minutes to gather your things and board the shuttle, or I'll flush your asses out the damn airlock".

[Axeface]

Shadow_Puppet wrote...

Gabey5 wrote...

Elcor: "Polite request: Junior, please clean your room."
Young Elcor: "Combative response: No, it is my room. You are not the boss of me."
Elcor: "Adamant assertion: As long as you live in my house, you will do what I say."
Young Elcor: "Angsty reminder: You are not even my real dad."
Elcor: "Angry rejoinder: I pay the mortgage. While you are under my roof, you must comply."
Young Elcor: "Childish complaint: I hate you. Insincere: I'm running away."

LOL

Priceless.

Haha, classic. I want to try to record this one.

[AndersKrei]

Shepard: Hey Miranda can I ask you aquestion?
Miranda: Ofcourse.
Shepard: Is that... er... "Armor" I guess... doing ANYTHING to protect you in a firefight?
Miranda: Well no, but...
Shepard: Come to think of it; Samaras armor coveres everything but the vital organs, Jack is wearing... tatoos and not much else, Morlan is still in his labcoat, garus has a gigant hole burned in his neckguard, legion has a gigant hole blown through his body exposing all kinds of tubes that are probably pretty vital to him and you are wearing... well THAT... What is up with you guys?
Miranda: ...er well... what about Tali?
Shepard: Tali is wearing the only thing her kind can wear and stay alive, (wouldn't hurt to put some more armor on top of the suit that is keeping you alive I guess) but don't change the subject!
Miranda: (Angry) Well excuse us for not having private cabines with armor closets!
Shepard: ... ... ... You are excused... now put on some danm armor woman!


EDI: The collector ship doesn't apear to have any hull breaches, but it's shields are down and it's engines are powered down.
Shepard: Fire the main guns. Blow their engines off and destroy their weapons!
EDI: ... Pardon?
Shepard: Did you not just say that this is the same ship that killed me 2 years ago?
EDI: Yes, but...
Shepard: Did we not build the upgraded guns Garus wanted for the very purpose of cutting collector ships to ribbons?
EDI: That was the idea, but...
Shepard: So why can't we blow a couple of holes in this ship before we board it? YOu know in case this is all really a trap and the ship starts comming back online the second we are at the center of it?
EDI: ... You make a good case commander.
Shepard: Ha ha just kidding EDI, just fly up next to it. God I love fighting my way out of situations that could have been avoided easily.

[AndersKrei]

Joker: you want me to go crawling through tha ventilation again don't you?
EDI: I like seeing humans on their knees.
Joker:
EDI: ... we are in a bit of a hurry here Jeff...
Joker: Aren't you going to say  that was a joke?
EDI: ... No... now either get down to engineering or start computing pie meatbag!
Joker:

Shepard: Legion! What are you doing outside the AI Core?
Legion: The helmsman, Joker, told me to leave so that he might have "Alone time" with your ships shackled AI.
Shepard: ... EDI and Joker... are... WHAT? *Rushes to AI  Core and opens the door*
Shepard:  HOLY TAPDANCING... JOKER WHAT THE HELL???
Joker: Commander? er... I know what you think but... it just didn't feel right that EDI always has to be the one whos shackled.
Shepard: So wrong, so very very wrong... we shal never speak of this again. Understod?!
Joker: Done, comander!
Shepard: ... Joker... EDI... who is flying the ship?
All:

[Semperus]

**Shepard's crew assembled**

Shepard: "Well guys I've been proud servin..."

**Doors burst open and a flood of wild deranged Mass Effect fans pour in**

Shepard: "What the hell..?"

Mass Effect Fan #1: "Hai guyz! I think some changes need to be made. First of all, why are there no gay romances. I mean its obvious Thane has a thing for Shepard"

Thane: "What the hell? I had a wife and a so..."

Mass Effect Fan #2: "Yeah I totally agree, and you know what else? Tali should totally be open to Female romances!"

Tali: "Wha..."

Mass Effect Fan #3: "Oh man you guys are so right! And what about Tali?! Why was there no face? And how about those sex scenes! No skin, no side boob, no nothing!"

Shepard: "I have no idea who you guys are or what you are talking about but I think you need to leave. I'm trying to save the galaxy from total destruction by the reapers, so if you don't mind I would...."

Mass Effect Fans in concert: "Wait? The who!?"

Modifié par Semperus, 10 février 2010 - 08:30 .

[AndersKrei]

Miranda: Cerberus didn't spend 2 years and 4 billion credits to bring you back just for us to second guess your command.

Shepard: Do a barrelroll!

MIranda: huh?

Shepard: NO SECOND GUESSING! DO A BARRELROLL!!!

[Gabey5]

Axeface wrote...

Shepard: "Ok Joker, put me on loud speaker"

Joker: "Sure thing Commander"

Shepard: "Crew this is your commander. You all know the deal, we have a galaxy to save. It's not going to be easy, people are going to die, and for this reason.... *inhale* You are all, except Tali, ordered onto the shuttle at once, to leave for omega or wherever else takes your fancy".

Tali (Gorgeous nervous voice): "What?? Shepard!?"

Shepard: "Yes Tali. I'm taking you away from all of this. We're going to run away to dark space and live together happily ever after, alone and safe from the incoming galactic destruction. The rest of you have 5 minutes to gather your things and board the shuttle, or I'll flush your asses out the damn airlock".

tali fans would love that

[Archereon]

What really happened when everyone had to go do some random mission in the shuttle...





Shepard and company land on some random planet, everyone gets out...



Garrus: "So why are we here again?"



Shepard: "Why Garrus, my good man, we are here too...I don't kno-OMFG IT'S CHUCK NORRIS!"



*Everyone runs away expect Shepard, who cowers in fear*



Shepard: "AHH, don't kill me! Or roundhouse kick me! Or kill me by roundhousing me!"



Chuck: "I'm not here to kill you, I'm here to help you."



Shepard: "But, why?"



Chuck: "I am your great-grandfather."



Shepard: "That explains alot...So you'll help me defeat the collectors and stop the reapers and save the galaxy?"



Chuck: "Of course, it'll be like blowing my nose..."



*Doctor Octagonapus, Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, every single power ranger, monty python's black knight, robocop, the terminator, and a few others show up...*



Shepard: F***!

[CardonT]

*after becoming the first human spectre and taking over the Normandy*
Joker: The comm is open if you want to say something to the crew, commander.
Shepard: Allright. Soldiers! We've got to save the galaxy! The council chose us to hunt down that turian bastard Saren and rip him to shreds! They knew they are just little pansies and couldn't handle this, so they are asking humanity for help, because no one else can do it! Only us! Only humanity!
*Garrus, Ashley and Wrex taking position in the CIC and looking poud to the bridge*
Garrus: Dude... why do we stand here and take his xenophobic **** and look proud, just like that xenophobic Ashley?
Wrex: To make him feel safe... and then rip off his testicles to sell them to my people.

Modifié par CardonT, 10 février 2010 - 09:11 .

[swirlwind]

*dies of laughter after reading the whole thread*

Modifié par swirlwind, 10 février 2010 - 09:16 .

[Lord Atlia]

Shepard: Do you have a recommendation as a doctor?

Mordin: ...also forwarding advice booklet to your quarters, viable diagrams, positions comfortable for both species, erogenous zones. Recommend not trying cowgirl variances as quarian hips tend to cause permanent damage to other species.

[OptimusAlex]

Semperus wrote...

**Shepard just destroys all the Collectors and preserves the base**

TIM: "Well done Shepard"

Shepard: "I'm done with you"

**Shepard pulls out a gun**

TIM: "What after all I gave you? I brought you back to life!"

Shepard: "Looks like I'm..."

**Puts on Sunglasses**

Shepard: "...assuming direct control"

**Shepard shoots TIM**

YEAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Ahhhhahahaha thats awesome
well done

[Gabey5]

yeah shepard could have videotape the reapers talking..taped vigil...oh well

[Jarcander]

Litos456 wrote...

Kelly: Just take me to dinner already!
Shepard: You know what, we can just as well eat my dead fish. Let's go.

My thoughts exactly. More Kelly.

-----

Kelly: No messages for you commander.
Shephard: Would you stop saying that? I heard you the last time. Go feed my fish.

-----

*back at Citadel*

Captain Bailey: Blaa blaa blaa Shephard VI blaa blaa.
Shephard: Hmm, yeah yeah, hey, say what?
Bailey: Yes, Shephard VI, Mouse sells them. It's buggy though. It crashed every half hour. The error message was about how the galaxy was at stake and you should fix the problem yourself.
Garrus: That seems a little extreme...
Shephard: No way. That's exactly how I roll. Where can I get a copy?
Bailey: As I said, Mouse sells them.
Shephard: And I said I wanted a working copy, hey? I can't get that packaged brilliance to work. Pfft, with my luck it's going to be only available as DLC in a few years.
Garrus: I hate interrupt when you hallucinate, but we really need to get to that factory.
Shephard: Alright, alright, we are going... bastards.