741 réponses à ce sujet

[Gravity Bun]

Axeface wrote...

Shepard: "Ok Joker, put me on loud speaker"

Joker: "Sure thing Commander"

Shepard: "Crew this is your commander. You all know the deal, we have a galaxy to save. It's not going to be easy, people are going to die, and for this reason.... *inhale* You are all, except Tali, ordered onto the shuttle at once, to leave for omega or wherever else takes your fancy".

Tali (Gorgeous nervous voice): "What?? Shepard!?"

Shepard: "Yes Tali. I'm taking you away from all of this. We're going to run away to dark space and live together happily ever after, alone and safe from the incoming galactic destruction. The rest of you have 5 minutes to gather your things and board the shuttle, or I'll flush your asses out the damn airlock".

Lol, if only!

[Lord Shadowsong]

I want to be king of space gondor now....

[Lilitv]

Shepard: Got a minute to talk?

Garrus: Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations

Shepard: *Breaks down in tears* Why are you doing this to me, Garrus? After all we've been through together, you treat me like a stranger. You weren't like this before. What happened between us? Is it because I was a corpse?

Garrus: I really am in the middle of some calibrations, Shepard.

Shepard: Talk to me, Garrus! If you don't want me around anymore, just tell it to me straight. Don't do this to me.

Garrus: I'm sorry you feel that way, Shepard, but I really am calibrating the guns. Honest! The engineers' tinkering always mess things up.

Shepard: Oh. *Wipes tears away* Carry on, then.

[shaneho78]

Grunt "I am Krogan!"

Aria "I am Omega!"

Jack "You guys sound like ******."

[shaneho78]

collectors attack Normandy


EDI: Mr Moreau, I'll need you to connect my AI core to Normandy's primary control module
Joker: You kidding me? Why not ask Garrus?
EDI: He is in the middle of some calibrations.
Joker: What the sh*t? What about Samara and Thane.
EDI: They are meditating.
Joker: Damn! At a time like this. Where's Jack?
EDI: Hold on.
*pause
EDI *plays back sound recording "F*UCK OFF!"
Joker: !$#$%$@*

Modifié par shaneho78, 11 février 2010 - 01:02 .

[Makariel]

Jack: "If it's just about sex just say it!"
Shepard: "Woah, back off there emo-girl..."

Liara: "Hello Shepard. How can I help you?"
Shepard: "Well, since I'm back from the dead I wanted to see my girlfr..."
Liara: "I am hunting down the Shadowbroker. And when I find him I will roast his brain with the most powerful biotic blast imaginable..."
Shepard: "Uh-hum... wait, what happened to you the last 2 years?"
Liara: "I will tear his guts out and rip them apart until he looks like a Picasso, I will cut his limbs of and use them as windscreen wipers..."
Shepard: "I think I should go."

Tali: "I want to touch your skin I..."
Shepard: "But that could kill you."
Tali: "I can use antibiotics, totally worth it."
Shepard: "You didn't get laid in a long time I guess?"

Miranda: "Excuse me..."
Shepard: "Now we're talking business..."
Miranda: "I cleared the engine room, be there in 5 minutes."
Shepard: "Yeah, let's do this... wait, the engine room?"
Miranda: "I settle for nothing but the best"
*Elevator closes*
Shepard: "Do they give out free drugs every time I head for a planet surface or what's wrong with those people?"

Modifié par Makariel, 11 février 2010 - 01:06 .

[Archereon]

The final boss battle...



EDI: This appears to be a Reaper...



Shepard: OMFG, its a giant T-800, call Arnold Swartzeneiger!



EDI: No Shepard, regardless of what it appears to be, this is a Reaper, a human Reaper.



Shepard: No wait, better, call James Cameron and his lawyers, they'll sue the hell out of the Reapers for breach of copy-



EDI: Shepard, this is the year 2185, all the people you have listed are dead.



Shepard: Don't interrupt me EDI, I know what I'm doing!



EDI: Fine but...*puts on sunglasses* I'll be back.



(Yes, EDI just stole Shepard's CSI sunglasses.)

[Sebastian_G]

Shepard in the VIP room of Afterlife during Samara's loyalty mission
Morinth: Hey there, I've been watching you around, you're the most interesting person in this club.
Shepard: Wow you look exactly like your mother... Oh shi
CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE.

The effects of Reaper indoctrination on the Normandy crew during the Reaper IFF mission:

Shepard: Hey Garrus did I tell you about that one time when me and a female scout settled a contest in her quarters. I had reach, she had flexibility.

Garrus: What the hell Shepard, those are my memories.

Grunt: I hope you didn't forget about my twin sister Shepard. We must protect her from my father.

Shepard: Grunt, you don't have any twin sister, you were tank-bred and your "father" Warlord Okeer is dead.

Garrus: Holy **** Shepard did you see Saren appearing and disappearing in the corner of the room??!!

Shepard: "O Captain my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
          The ship has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won,
          The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
          While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;"

EDI: The commanding officer is ashore, XO Pressly has the deck.

Joker: Destiny Ascension, this is the Normandy, you are clear of Geth ships.

Modifié par Sebastian_G, 11 février 2010 - 01:55 .

[oneword]

I just can't stop laughing when reading this!XD

you are all hilarious!!

[Gabey5]

lyssalu wrote...

Gabey5 wrote...


Thane: "His eyes water. He tugs at my sleeve. He asks, 'Why didn't
you stop them from letting Mommy go?' ... I'm sorry. The memories come
strong sometimes."
Shepard: "His eyes unfocus. He babbles something
about his son, completely disrupting the conversation. He cryptically
half-apologizes and expects me to figure out what's going on."
Thane:"We drell have a perfect memory. We can relive... The laser dances.
Sunset eyes meet mine. The laser dances away. 'How dare you?' her eyes
ask through the scope...."
Shepard: "Bored with the conversation, he
changes the subject. He uses poor metaphors like 'sunset eyes.' He
tries to impress me with pseudo-poetry. He fails miserably and
protests."
Thane: "Stop mocking me, Shep--- My finger tightens on
the trigger. The rifle recoils, an old friend coming home. The target
drops like a rag doll--- I can't help it and you're being a dick."
Shepard:"His stupid flashbacks thinly veil empty threats. He sits alone in life
support and wonders why no one likes him. He struggles to breathe
sometimes, but no one cares." *walks out*

U DICK

.....

hahaha:lol:

[Gabey5]

Semperus wrote...

**Shepard's crew assembled**

Shepard: "Well guys I've been proud servin..."

**Doors burst open and a flood of wild deranged Mass Effect fans pour in**

Shepard: "What the hell..?"

Mass Effect Fan #1: "Hai guyz! I think some changes need to be made. First of all, why are there no gay romances. I mean its obvious Thane has a thing for Shepard"

Thane: "What the hell? I had a wife and a so..."

Mass Effect Fan #2: "Yeah I totally agree, and you know what else? Tali should totally be open to Female romances!"

Tali: "Wha..."

Mass Effect Fan #3: "Oh man you guys are so right! And what about Tali?! Why was there no face? And how about those sex scenes! No skin, no side boob, no nothing!"

Shepard: "I have no idea who you guys are or what you are talking about but I think you need to leave. I'm trying to save the galaxy from total destruction by the reapers, so if you don't mind I would...."

Mass Effect Fans in concert: "Wait? The who!?"

if only... if only:O

[Sebastian_G]

Shepard summons the crew to the comm room:
Shepard: You know I've never been too strict on military protocols on this ship but this fraternization problem is getting out of hand.
I didn't say anything when i caught Jacob and Kelly in my private shower. Jacob needs to blow off steam and Kelly needs to "evaluate" people.
I was ok with Garrus and Jack going at it underneath the engine room. "In the middle of calibrations" my ass.
Hell, when I caught Samara and Mordin on the friggin lab table I didn't say anything, we all know you two needed that so I'm not going to say anything about  that Justicar code.
But then it started to get ugly when I found Miranda in her black leather suit whipping a naked Zaeed. That was awkward but seeing Dr. Chakwas giving Joker  "a special treatment" was even more awkward. Broke any bones Joker?
Yesterday I went to check on the new fuel cells with the engineers but I ran into Tali's drone posted exactly at the engine room entrance, at this moment I knew what to expect, all I can say is that Gabby and Donnelly have more in-depth Quarian biology knowledge than all of us together.
And EDI, next time you want to hmmm ... merge your software with Legion's try doing it when we're not waiting for you to open the airlock door.
Thane and Grunt you didn't screw up so far so... Thane? Grunt? They're not here? Where the hell are they?

*From the floor above via Intercom*:
Thane: I hope Shepard's desk holds you big boy.
Grunt: I AM KROGAN, HARDER BATTLEMASTER, HARDER, FOR TUCHANKA, DEAD TURIANS AND SALARIANS, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

*Pause*
Thane: I must return to my meditations.

Modifié par Sebastian_G, 11 février 2010 - 02:54 .

[MikeFL25]

Shepard: *after defeating the Human Reaper* All your base are belong to us. Now lets get out before it explodes....



Collector General Harbinger: You have failed. We will find another way.



Shepard: Yeah, good luck with the whole "getting vaporized" thing....tell me how it works out.



Harbinger: Releasing control.



Collector General: FINALLY! After two years I am finally free! Wait...*sees wall of fire approaching* ...oh you have got to be kidding me...



*BANG*



Shepard: Looks like his freedom was...*sunglasses* ....short-lived.

[Tamcia]

lol very nice

[shaneho78]

MikeFL25 wrote...

Collector General: FINALLY! After two years I am finally free! Wait...*sees wall of fire approaching* ...oh you have got to be kidding me...

*BANG*

still funny after 2 playthroughs

[Semperus]

Sebastian_G wrote...

Shepard summons the crew to the comm room:
Shepard: You know I've never been too strict on military protocols on this ship but this fraternization problem is getting out of hand.
I didn't say anything when i caught Jacob and Kelly in my private shower. Jacob needs to blow off steam and Kelly needs to "evaluate" people.
I was ok with Garrus and Jack going at it underneath the engine room. "In the middle of calibrations" my ass.
Hell, when I caught Samara and Mordin on the friggin lab table I didn't say anything, we all know you two needed that so I'm not going to say anything about  that Justicar code.
But then it started to get ugly when I found Miranda in her black leather suit whipping a naked Zaeed. That was awkward but seeing Dr. Chakwas giving Joker  "a special treatment" was even more awkward. Broke any bones Joker?
Yesterday I went to check on the new fuel cells with the engineers but I ran into Tali's drone posted exactly at the engine room entrance, at this moment I knew what to expect, all I can say is that Gabby and Donnelly have more in-depth Quarian biology knowledge than all of us together.
And EDI, next time you want to hmmm ... merge your software with Legion's try doing it when we're not waiting for you to open the airlock door.
Thane and Grunt you didn't screw up so far so... Thane? Grunt? They're not here? Where the hell are they?

*From the floor above via Intercom*:
Thane: I hope Shepard's desk holds you big boy.
Grunt: I AM KROGAN, HARDER BATTLEMASTER, HARDER, FOR TUCHANKA, DEAD TURIANS AND SALARIANS, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

*Pause*
Thane: I must return to my meditations.

At that point, if I was Shepard, I'd flush myself out of the Airlock

[FuManchu12]

Shepard: Zaeed, could I have a -

*Miranda and Jack are beating up Zaeed*

Shepard: What the hell are you two doing?

Miranda: You won't believe this guy! He had a surveillance screen in his room! He could spy on us taking a shower, watch us undressing for bed - anything! Pervert! Take that!

Jack: And every time I adjusted my admittedly fairly non-existent bra, he could have been looking! I'm gonna kill him!

Shepard: EDI, cut Zaeed's link to the surveillance feed. This kind of behaviour is inexcusable.

EDI: Of course, Commander. Shall I also terminate the link to your private terminal?

Shepard: Link? Hahaha, why would there be a link there? Don't be silly, EDI. 'Link' indeed.

EDI: Apologies, Commander, but you ordered...

Shepard: EDI, Mute activate.

EDI: ...

Miranda: Right, Zaeed's learned his lesson. Sorry, Shepard, what was EDI talking about? I missed it.

Shepard: Oh, nothing. Nothing. Gosh, you look quite hot and sweaty after that fight, girls. You should probably go and take a shower. A very thorough one. Possibly together - you know, to save water. I'll be in my room.

[shaneho78]

Shepard: Hi Jack.
Jack: What do you want? It's sex you are looking for isn't it?
Shepard (looking long term): No. I just want to know what makes you tick

10 missions and 50 lines of dialogue later....

Shepard: f*ck this. It's taking too long

(5 min later)

Shepard: Hey Kelly , want to come up and take a look at my fish?
Kelly: Ok.

*love scene starts*

Modifié par shaneho78, 11 février 2010 - 06:05 .

[I am not a spy]

So ****ing epic! but I must ask, what is the "Looks like his freedom was...*sunglasses* ....short-lived."

from?

[Gabey5]

I am not a spy wrote...

So ****ing epic! but I must ask, what is the "Looks like his freedom was...*sunglasses* ....short-lived."
from?

csi miami david caruso and his one liners

[The Governator]

I loved the rummey satire. 

[firecleaner]

This definitely one of the best threads in this forum

[DeltaIV]

Wow, Gabey5, the internet's a small place, isn't it?



http://www.gamefaqs....&topic=53316613

[notphrog]

TIM: Congratulations, Shepard. Now we'll use the collector base to devise a way to stop the Reapers.
Shep: Cool. How long will that take?
TIM: A while.
Shep: Cool.
Jacob: Hey, Commander. Now that we have some time to kill, let's go get drunk on Citadel.
Shep: Reading my mind. I'll meet you in the shuttle. *goes to main gun* Hey, Garrus. Me and Jacob are going to get drunk on Citadel. Wanna come?
Garrus: Not right now. I need to finish these calibrations.
Shep: Oh, come on! You've been calibrating those guns for the entire game! Will taking one night off really be that bad?
Garrus: Well, I really do need to finish these calibrations.
Shep: I get it, you're poor. I'll pay. Come on.
Garrus: Fine.

The next day...

Shep: Ugh. The rincol was a bad idea.
Jacob: Don't remind me.
Garrus: Did...did I beat up a volus last night?
Shep: Yeah, but it's cool. He had it coming.
EDI: The Illusive Man wants to speak with you, Shepard.
Shep: OK. Come on, guys. Let's talk to the Illusive Man.
Garrus and Jacob: OK.
TIM: Shepard. I have some good news and some bad news.
Shep: Bad news first.
TIM: The Reapers are here already. They've destroyed the Citadel and are purging the galaxy of life. Also, one is headed your way.
Shep: F***. What's the good news.
TIM: Using information from the collector base, we've discovered the Reapers' weakness. A small thermal exhaust port only two meters wide.
Shep: F***. There's no way we can hit a target that small.
Garrus: We could've, if you had let me finish my calibrations.
Shep: I regret nothing!

*Reapers destroy all life*

Modifié par notphrog, 11 février 2010 - 06:45 .

[Fulgrim88]

DeltaIV wrote...

Wow, Gabey5, the internet's a small place, isn't it?

http://www.gamefaqs....&topic=53316613

Considering how he posted most of the stuff on page 1 <2minutes apart, that doesn't surprise me. However, i also couldn't care less. Gabey still get's endless Kudos for sharing. This is the funniest thread on the forums, i don't mind where the jokes comes from

Modifié par Fulgrim88, 11 février 2010 - 07:40 .