, i shall flogg myself for this
.)So if you ever wanted to poke fun at any aspect of the DAO universe, this one is for you. Every text, songs, doodles, comics will be welcome as long as it has DAO for theme and is silly.
I will start this with a short thing that come to me after realising how many Alistair romance was available on fanfiction or fanart and how much the life of a video game hero would sucks rocks if it was real.
EDIT : The scene takes place once you switched off your PC/ Consoles.
It's rather short but I hope it will get a few giggle, thanks for any comments
(Personal note : Taiyama, DalishRanger, this is dedicated to you as the idea came to me after some of our post on your threads)
A king's problems
Helena Cousland was a happy woman, after months of gruelling fights against everything that walked, slithered or flied on, above and under Thedas; she managed to get her well deserved happy ending.
She had put an end to the Blight, killed an archdemon, restored peace in Ferelden, and on the way, settled a large number of issues for other people. To the point where she sometimes wondered how they managed at all when no wandering Grey Warden was available.
Her parent’s death had been avenged when she sliced Howe’s throat and, finally, her beloved brother, Fergus, was alive, the Couslands will continue ruling Highever.
But the best part was that she successfully put her lover on Cailan’s Throne and managed to have the Landsmeet accept her as his Consort.
“Yep! Life is sweet” she thought while getting out of the formal dress she’d been wearing at the coronation and putting on her more comfortable travel outfit.
“Now let’s go find my kingly husband.”
“Well you might find him if you just turn around slightly.”
Alistair was standing in the doorway, leaning nonchalantly against the frame.
“You’ve already finished with the council?”
“Well, we’ve...I’ve decided the great lines, now I it’s up to them to carry-on with the small details.”After a short pause he added, “As Leliana once said, that’s what counsellors are for, besides it give them something to do, instead of complotting behind my back.”
Helena joined Alistair in the doorway and planted a kiss on his lips.
“My, you are getting into the king business rather quickly. So, what does the king want from his Consort? Any lamppost to lick around here?”
“No, this palace is rather poor on the lamppost department. I’ve come to see if you were ready, we haven’t visited the royal apartments yet.”
“Hmmm, this sounds good, let’s go.”
After a long walk through an infinity of corridors, they arrived in front of a heavy wooden door.
“Here we are my Lady. Let me unlock this.”
They stepped inside the antechamber of the royal apartments. Helena took in the huge size of the room. She saw on her left a balcony, bathed in the setting sun red light. She went and leaned on the stone.
“It’s a wonderful view Alistair.”
As she looked at Denerim, Helena did not notice Alistair leaving the room as quietly as possible and did not hear the sound of a key locking a door.
******************************************************************************************
Alistair quickly came back to the main part of the royal palace. He found Zevran waiting for him by the throne room entrance.
“So, another queen for your harem my prince?”
“You know Zevran, I feel rather bad about all that locking them up business.”
The Antivan looked at Alistair and grinned innocently “I’m sure that if you walk into that room and calmly explain the situation to them all, they would take it with gentle good humour and you would all get along like a house on fire.”
“Really! You think so?”
“No doubt about it... just like a real house on fire, people screaming, shouting...dying, and you, my friend, would probably be doing most of the dying part.”
“Even I would not dare go in there. As much as I enjoy a bit of pain in lovemaking, being mauled to death by thousands of angry women...sorry, angry Grey Warden killing machine, does not appeal to me.”His grin widened, “Especially when so many of them tend to behave like young teenagers when it comes to the romance thing... so much pathos, so much drama, you wouldn’t expect that from hardened Grey Warden veterans.”
Alistair nodded to Zevran; he had to admit he was right. After all it was the way their universe was going, he hadn’t made the rules. And explanation could get tricky, after all most of his “ladies” were half crazed human noble who had seen their family died, attention seeking dwarfish princesses with excessively bad family background, or city elves with affection disorder due to attempted rape and police brutality. As for the mages ones he’d rather not think of it at all, they were a little bit on the fireball side of diplomacy.
“Still, I must say that myself, Leliana and Morrigan are a little bit jealous of your success, you do get most of the attention.”Alistair sighed and looked at the Antivan “Well I could do with a bit less, I’ve picked so many roses my clothes are full of small holes and I’ve got plasters all over my hands, I have enough runic stones, dragon statues and other mystic items to open a small museum... and I am sick of that lamppost line!”
“I would gladly let Teagan have some of my romances; the poor fellow has to go for a brisk run, a cold shower and a lie down every time the story is replayed because of all the flirting.” Zevran let a moment pass and tried to cheer up his friend “ On the other hand, my polygamous friend, you got to spend a lot of nights with Morrigan, experience the thrill of a new romance more often than any of us, and the lovemaking must be very good after all these partners. ”
The assassin noticed a small blush on Alistair face. “Well, yes that’s nice, but ...erm.... you see..., it’s not only the thrill of romance that is new all the time.” Alistair rubbed his hands together, focusing his stare on what must have been a very interesting wall.
Understanding downed quickly on Zevran, “You mean the virgin thing! Every time is actually your first time!?”
“ ‘es” the answer had been spoken in the faintest murmur.
“Oh.......tough!”
Author's note : Well that's all folks, I wanted to put an extra paragraph at the end with the Cousland reaction after realising she has been locked with thousands of others. But I thought it was more fun to end with Zevran reaction on the terrible truth
.So What do we have so far ?
By Olwaye
A King's problem : this post
Angry, Angry NPC's
The Hitchiker's guide to survival in Ferelden
The fresh prince of Highever
Where are they now
a little ditty about classes
Bannhammer
The misadventures of Kink-meme Alistair
The Hitchiker's survival guide to Kirkwall
UTVR
By AdorableAnarchist
A job well done
By Peasant on Fire
The king, the templar and the fangirls
By Miri
Alistairs at the pub
Modifié par Olwaye, 20 mai 2011 - 12:13 .
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