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[DeltaIV]

Tali: "Sharing suit environments is one of the most intimate things a quarian can do. I've never been close enough to... well, not with another quarian... Now I'm babbling like an idiot. It's a defense mechanism. I've never done this before..."

Shepard: "I've licked my share of lamp posts, and more besides."

[DeltaIV]

(Colonist origin Shepard)

Random Batarian: "What are you looking at, human?"

Shepard: "Hello. My name is Inigo Shepard. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Random Batarian: "What are you talking about?"

Shepard: "Hello. My name is Inigo Shepard. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Random Batarian: "Stop saying that!"

Shepard: "Hello! My name is Inigo Shepard! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

*BLAM*

Random Batarian: "Please stop! I'll do whatever you want!"

Shepard: "Offer me money."

Random Batarian: "Yes!"

Shepard: "Power, too, promise me that."

Random Batarian: "All that I have and more. Please..."

Shepard: "Offer me anything I ask for."

Random Batarian: "Anything you want..."

*BLAM*

Shepard: "I want my father back, you son of a *****."

Garrus: "Wow, Commander, was that really the batarian that killed your father during the raid on the colony you grew up on?"

Shepard: "Eh, maybe, maybe not. C'mon, let's go talk to that batarian over there."

[DeltaIV]

Zito: "Zaeed, please! I'm gonna die here, man! Do something!"

Zaaed: "Fry, you son of a *****." *walks away*

*FWOOSH*

Shepard: "Aren't you even going to watch?"

*KABOOM*

Zaeed: "No, I've got cool guy errands that I have to walk to."

[DeltaIV]

(Soldier class)

Shepard: "What the heck is this thing?"

Mordin: "M-9 Tempest submachine gun. Surely you're familiar with it."

Shepard: "No, I... I've never seen one before. How does it work?"

Mordin: "Simple. Press button, unfolds, point at target, pull trigger. Five round burst on single pull, or full auto."

Shepard: *fumbling with Tempest* "I don't get it."

Mordin: "Simple weapon. Should be able to handle it. Broken? *dakkadakka* No, perfect operation. Here, try."

Shepard: *stares at it* "Uh... what?"

Mordin: "Never mind. Possibly too simple for highly trained soldier to understand. Stick to antimaterial rifles and assault rifles."

*Shepard holds up SMG, crying*

How could this happen to me?

I've made my mistakes

Got nowhere to run

The night goes on as

I'm fading away

I'm sick of this life

I just want to screeeeeaaaaaam...

[DeltaIV]

Joker: "You're not doing this to me again, Shepard!"

Shepard: "It's people. The Reaper is made out of people. They're making a Reaper out of people. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for the Reaper. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!"

Joker: "I promise, Shepard. I promise. I'll tell everyone."

Shepard: "You tell everybody. Listen to me, Joker. You've gotta tell them! The Reaper is people! We've gotta stop them somehow!"

*falls*

[DeltaIV]

Shepard: "Joker! What's the kinetic barrier strength of the Collector ship?"

Joker: "Running a scan, Commander..."

EDI: "It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!"

Shepard: "What, nine thousand?!"

EDI: "That was a joke."

[DeltaIV]

Joker: "I'm telling you, EDI, it's static, white noise, nothing."

EDI: "There is a signal hidden in the noise. We are broadcasting the Normandy's location."

Joker: "Broadcasting? To who..."

*DOOOOOOOOOM*

Joker: "Oh, ****. EDI, get us out of here!"

EDI: "There is a virus in the Normady's syst- Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down!"

Joker: "****, ****, ****!"

Crewman Hawthorne: "Joker, run for it, I'll hold them off!"

EDI: "Never gonna make you cry!"

Kelly: *bloodcurdling scream*

EDI: "Never gonna saaaaay goodbye!"

Joker: "****, ****, ****!"

[Clavat Veloth]

Some great jokes, loved them.

[Zoe Dedweth]

*opening Omega 4 relay in 3...2....1...*



EDI: There will be cake.

[blaidfiste]

I'm going to read them all over time. I love the one about Shep taking the entire crew on the shuttle while EDI tests the IFF.

[Murmillos]

DeltaIV wrote...

Shepard: "Ash! C'mon, we're going to save the galaxy again."
Ashley: "No way, Commander. You're working for Cerberus. I'm an Alliance soldier. It's in my blood."
Shepard: "Yeah, this place looks a lot like Eden Prime. Remember that? You were an Alliance soldier there, too. Looks like you're two for two, Chief. Maybe you should reflect on what's in your blood. Like your grandfather at Shanxi. Yeah, that's right, I went there. How's that Alliance soldier thing working out for you?"
Ashley: "Waaaaah!" *runs away crying*
Shepard: "That's why I ****ed Liara instead of you, you frigid *****!"

Score!

[rwilli80]

Those were funny, especially the ones cutting down Ash and Liara. I really wish there were more dialogue options for those conversations.

[CmdrFenix83]

DeltaIV wrote...

Shepard: "EDI, whenever we orbit an unexplored planet, scan for resources, and launch a probe at any deposit with over 500 units. Inform me when we're out of probes."
EDI: "That's an excellent idea, Shepard."
Shepard: "Actually, belay that... I'll do it manually."
Joker: "Yeah, Commander, that's what I'm talking about! **** that AI!"
EDI: "You realize what takes you twenty minutes, I can accomplish in 0.034 sec-............."
Joker: "I love the mute button. I'll just take a nap while you're spending half the game scanning planets, Commander."

Sadly, I can see this conversation happening.  God I hate scanning.

[Blue Ninja]

Good ones.

[DeltaIV]

Alternate shuttle scene before the IFF debacle.



EDI: "Commander, you should load everyone into the shuttle."

Shepard: "No, EDI, we're too close to integrating the IFF. I want to be ready to go through the Omega 4 relay as soon as it's done."

EDI: "But you really should get into the shuttle and go far away from the ship, Commander."

Shepard: "It's cool. I'm just going to play with Boo the Space Hamster and feed my fish."

EDI: "Anomaly detected. Commander, long-range sensors have detected delicious cake on the planet below us."

Shepard: "Did you say cake? Saddle up, team!"

Joker: "I have a bad feeling about this..."

AFTERWARDS

Miranda: "The whole crew?! You lost the whole crew, and damn near the ship, too?"

Joker: "I know, I know!"

Shepard: "THE CAKE IS A LIE"



(after a total party wipe on the suicide mission)

Illusive Man: "Shepard left a big void to fill. But with the technology from the Collector base, Cerberus will be prepared to establish humanity's dominance... against the Reapers, and beyond. Mr. Moreau, bring the Normandy back to our base."

Joker: "Yeah, sure, whatever."



Later, at the docking bay...



EDI: "This was a triumph... I'm making a note here, HUGE SUCCESS."



(props to Zoe Dedweth for the EDI = GLaDOS link)

[kilimanjaro23]

These are all the jokes from the "if you were commander shepard.....!!" thread which is older.



http://social.biowar...5/index/1109816



Have a look they are all there. DeltaIV did you lift them from there or from another site?

[DeltaIV]

Ah, someone got them. Check here:



http://www.gamefaqs....&topic=53316613



I'm dourtewg there. (Check the date stamps.)

[Zoe Dedweth]

GLaDOS FTW - I imagine EDI is her lovechild.

[Kinslayer2852]

That was awesome

[skarlson]

=WIN

DeltaIV wrote...

Zaeed: "Shepard. Here for a lesson? I remember this one mission, I killed a big krogan."
Shepard: "A lesson? On Vermire, I killed about two hundred krogan and destroyed the cure to the genophage. Oh, and about four hundred Geth. Then I nuked the place."
Zaeed: "Don't touch that! That rifle's killed more men than the Scyllian Blitz!"
Shepard: "That'd be impressive, even for me... on a Tuesday. Morning."
Zaeed: "I remember one time this big man-eating tree tried to eat me. I tossed a grenade into its mouth!"
Shepard: "I killed a fifty-ton billion-year-old mind-controlling plant, and absorbed the knowledge of the Protheans from one of its lackeys."
Zaeed: "Once I killed a big spider thing. It must have been ten feet tall!"
Shephard: "I freed the sole surviving Rachni queen, and then killed an entire corrupted brood of a few thousand of them."
Zaeed: "That's a model of a Turian frigate I took down. Five men, I'm the only one who survived."
Shephard: "This is a model of a Reaper. I destroyed it, saved the galaxy, and lost one soldier from my team."
Zaeed: "Once I tracked a Batarian through a jungle and killed him."
Shepard: "I tracked the Reaper and its pet indoctrinated Spectre outside the charted systems, then crashed through a mass effect relay in an APC, and saved every sentient being in the galaxy."
Zaeed: "Talk more later, Shepard."
Shepard: "Not likely. At least I got an art book."

[Liquid_Unicron]

Dunno how funny this one is, but this exchange occured to a friend and I while playing through the games on Xbox.





Shepard: "Yes I would like to requisition a mono-fillament chainsaw"



Normandy Requisitions Officer: "I'm sorry sir, I don't have a license for that."



Sherpard: "Okay, I would like to requisition a Fireman's Ax"



Normandy Requisitions Officer: "I'm sorry sir, I don't have a license for that."



Sherpard: (Angry) Okay, give me a freakin' baseball bat.



Normandy Requisitions Officer: "I'm sorry sir, I don't have a license for that."



Shepard: Okay, when we go back to the Citadel, can you make a trip to the sports shop and pick up a Louisville Slugger?



Normandy Requisitions Officer: Why do you want a baseball bat? You have guns.



Sherpard: Yeah and if I run out of ammo I'd prefer not to have to put my hands on the wierd alien husks that are probably crawling with diseases inherent in decaying flesh.



Normandy Requisitions Officer: Yeah, okay but you'll **** a blue chick who probably got her first STD while your parents were playing Doctor in Pre-School.



::Thud::



Two Years Later



Shepard: Yeah, I need to requisition a baseball bat.



Illusive Man: Shepard I've given you everything you need.



Shepard: Really? You spend 4 billion credits bringing me back to life for a suicide mission, just to team me with psychopaths, has-beens, and never-will-be's, When you could use that money to hire every Krogan on the Citadel, hire merc ships to transport them, bum-rush the collectors, and be done in time for breakfast, and your ****ing with me over a damn baseball bat?



Illusive Man: "Good luck Shepard" ::switches off communicator, and walks into his office at the Louisville Slugger Factory. "God, I love messing with that guy."

[Liquid_Unicron]

Male Collector: "Hey baby, wanna go back to my place?"

Female Collector: "Sure" ::winks::

Ten minutes later

Male Collector: Oh the things I am going to do to...hurk!

Harbinger: Assuming Control

Modifié par Liquid_Unicron, 11 février 2010 - 09:08 .

[Lilaw]

didn't even realize Admiral Xen was Morrigan until you poked fun at it.

[blaidfiste]

kilimanjaro23 wrote...

These are all the jokes from the "if you were commander shepard.....!!" thread which is older.

http://social.biowar...5/index/1109816

Have a look they are all there. DeltaIV did you lift them from there or from another site?

The OP filtered out the corny ones.

[crovaxxi]

DeltaIV wrote...

Shepard: "Talk dirty to me."
Tali: "I'd share my suit environment with you any time, Shepard."
Shepard: "I didn't mean literally."
Tali: "I didn't mean it literally, jerk!"
Shepard: "Oh. Whoops. Well um, you still want to hook up?"
Tali: "Maybe later, I'm running some engine diagnostics."
Shepard: "I guess that's Quarian for 'I'm washing my hair.'"

This made me lol. Thanks.