99 réponses à ce sujet

[Looy]

Awesome Jokes!



Uvenk: "This tank born is not true Krogan! This is an outrage! I will not hav..."

Shepard: *Headbutt*

Uvenk: "Wha... You dare? I retract my denial! We'll settle this later, human." *leaves*

Shepard: "Is he gone? Good. Now get me some industrial tape and some super glue, I need to fix my forehead."

[Hoax86]

Pretty damn funny.

[Bron Avery]

Do a Garris/Batman joke, cause' he is the hero Omega deserves.

[Liquid_Unicron]

Collector Male: "This, this has never happened to me before I swear!."



Collector Female: "You know, they make a pill for it."



Harbinger: "Direct Intervention is Necessary"

[darkwolfcub]

http://www.gamefaqs....53316613&page=4

check the time stamps someone needs to give credit where its due

[Jinto Hiromoto]

Shepard walks in to his cabin. Sets his helmet down on his desk. Then looks up. Damn it, why do my fish keep dieing. A single tear rolls down his cheek. Turns and says, "At least I still have my space hamster."

[PlacidDragon]

hehe, very funny

[yoomazir]

epic topic is epic!

[Umagaar]

These jokes are hilarious!

Can't stop laughing about the "kelly joke" and the "Shuttle and collector attack on the Normandy" xP

[Freely]

DeltaIV wrote...

Shepard: "Hey everyone! This store discriminates against the poor!"
Random passerby: "It's a store, where money is exchanged for goods. If you can't afford what's in there, you can't really shop there. By definition, any store discriminates against the poor to some degree."

classic, absolute classic.

[DeltaIV]

Sorry I haven't posted more here. Gabey5 lifted my original topic from gamefaqs.com (http://www.gamefaqs....&topic=53316613), and claimed he posted it there.



I have the full collection of jokes I've thought up (and others that are used with permission) at http://deltaiv.blogspot.com/.



Be forewarned, the one at blogspot is not censored.

[emb31588]

Some of these are hilarious. Also I like the setup of the blogspot site, it's really easy to sort threw them.

[Akai San Kaku Tou]

Harbinger: In a different world we could be together... Shepard

[Darkstar87uk]

An Asari walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why so blue?"



Bdum tish!



That was terrible and I'm sorry if someone posted it already. >>

[Colinissile]

Miranda: Shepard what are you doing behind that box! My sister is getting away! Let's run to her!

Shepard: I am trying but for some reason everytime I try to run I go into cover!!!

[Dr. Burpenstien]

This was my joke in the "If you were Shepard" thread.....


/////// 2 WEEKS AFTER ENDING OF ME2, CAPTAINS QUARTERS.....*bow chika bow wow*
--------------------------------------------------------------
Shepard: Sweetie, could you pass me a pillow?

Miranda: How about we play a game; let's pretend we're married.

Shepard: Ok?

Miranda: Go get the damned pillow your self.

Shepard: .......................................

*Farts*

Modifié par Dr. Burpenstien, 26 février 2010 - 04:36 .

[matt654321]

@OP: You stole those jokes off of a user on gamefaqs. It's completely obvious to anyone who can view a timestamp. Fail..

[Arhka]

Aethyta: Yeah! Kick him in the quad!



Shepard: Nah, he doesn't have that.



Aethyta: What about-



Shepard: No.



Aethyta: Or-



Shepard: No.



Aethyta: How about-



Shepard: No.



Aethyta: Well, that explains why his wife paid for the ticket off-world.

[Mezzidriel]

Great jokes, some of them made me laugh really hard!



And about the 'giving credit where credit is due', I don't believe I saw the OP here state he created any of these jokes, simply that he had the initiative to share them.

[TekFanX]

Victory-Party after the whole team and crew survived.

Cargo-Bay, the structural breaches have been repaired seamless.
Everything is hung with colorful decorations.

Dr.Chakwas lies in the corner next to the entrance:"STABILITY...one bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy an hour...hic...gives me...stability..."

Tali has linked her suit-environment to a funnel, where the crew is filling beer in, yelling in joy, as Tali empties her twentieth bottle of Flotilla-Beer.

Garrus is calibrating a number of glasses with wine, to get a glass-harp...emptying the glasses by drinking them, until the sound-scheme is "Beauti-full-I!".

Thane lies in the darkest corner with the most booze.

Zaaed stands in another corner, telling everyone how he drank his first beer, when their eyes just get along his bottle.

Legion is doing the robot...he hasn't really got another chance, since every geth inside his database is running a beer-drinking-simulation, meaning 1183 beers at once.
Each sentient being has the right to be drunk.

Samara is bound by her code to drink as much as she can, so no other is harmed by that amount.
Soon she drifts into "meditation" as she just calls her unconsciousness before she hits the ground.

Jacob is a little disappointed, since he wanted to spill his drinks on the Citadel, not in the cargo-hold.
Otherwise, he's great on forcing those liquids down.

Kasumi hasn't shown up yet.

Jack is so drunk, she runs around the cargohold and tells everyone how much she loves him/her.

Next to the consoles where you enter the room, Grunt pokes Shepard:"Battlemaster! Get me a lighter! Fast!"
Shepard grins, already so drunken that he isn't really thinking about his actions.
He gets behind Grunt and holds the lighter.
Grunt grits his teeth:"I AM KROGAN!!!"
"Proooaaahh-FWOUM!!!"
After the mighty flame illuminated half of the cargo-hold, Miranda and Mordin arrive, in the desperate try to help.
Mordin looks down on the burned corpse that was used to be Shepard:"Start from scratch?"
Miranda nods, sighing deeply:"I guess. I hope it won't cost that much, now that I know what to do."

It follows the ME3-Character-Customization.

Modifié par TekFanX, 26 février 2010 - 03:33 .

[TekFanX]

____



Renegade-Situation:



Shepard's Normandy, tuned with reaper-tech and with EDI on board enters the remote space-sector the reapers used to meet after reaching the milky-way.



Geth-Ships enter the system and a krogan boarding-squad enters the bridge, waiting for orders from Shepard.



Two officers in the back of the bridge are looking at shepards glowing eyes, then one starts talking:"Well...I think it's better to work for the rouge spectre with geth and krogan who is glowing red, instead of blue."



___



Paragon:



Shepard enters the AI-Core.



Some adjustments with the omnitool and Legion boots up.



Shepard:"Do you understand me?"



Legion:"..."



Shepard:"I asked, if you understand me?"



Legion:"...?"



Shepard:"Brbeeep drrt beep?"`



Legion:"Beep drt beep drrt deeet drrrt."



Shepard:"Beep."



...

_________________________



TOILET-HUMOR!



Random toilet on omega, shepard enters the room, a deep voice is heard from one of the cabins:



Voice:"Under great pain and stress: Nnnnngggghhhhh."



Shepards face forms a mask of terror.



Voice:"Pressing with all possible might: GRRGGGGNNNNHHH."



Gasses erupt from the cabin, shepard tries to escape the room and runs in disgust.



A loud "KLONK" can be heard.



Voice:"Reliefed and happy: Tomorrow I'll have ramen again."



_____________________________



Copyright-Chaos







Engineer Commander Ash Shepard enters the battlefield:



Shepard:"DRONE! GET THEM." A random holographic pokèball hovers arround and throws lightnings at enemies.



Shepard:"Krogan! GET THEM!!!"



Grunt:"KROGAN!!!"



Miranda lies in a corner, sobbing while curling into a ball:"I shouldn't have used that ancient game-module to fill up the gaps in his neural cortex..."



___________________________



Toilet-Humor SR2







Shepard is talking with Gabby and Ken.



Shepard looks over to Tali, once again she doesn't notice much since she is lost in her work.



Suddenly her frame tenses, a light at her butt starts to flash:"Fffrrrrtt..."

[Sudipa]

DeltaIV wrote...

EDI: "Shepard, you need to get into the shuttle. Along with your entire team."
Shepard: "Look, we've been over this, it can only hold... wait, now everyone can fit in. But I've done all the missions. We can just wait here."
EDI: "No, I can't check the IFF for a while."
Shepard: "Well, I'll wait here."
EDI: "No, you should get on the shuttle. Make sure the whole team is on the shuttle, and leave."
Shepard: "We're in deep space, EDI, the only thing around is the Geth station that just put out petawatts of EMP, and that's about 20 light-minutes behind us. Where could we go in the shuttle?"
EDI: "Shepard, you need to get in the shuttle. With your whole team."
Shepard: "Well I guess we can go play Uno or something. I'm glad this isn't suspicious at all. OK team, into the shuttle! Yeah, we can all fit, it's amazing, just get in, we're going far enough away that we're out of real-time communications range and then we're going to... sit there, I guess."
Joker: "****."

Hahaha touche xD

[skinnyhunt05]

The residents of Omega named the bridge that Garrus held on Omega after after him, once he left. They had to rename it later unfortunately, because no one crosses Garrus Vakarian and lives.



It was the strangest thing. There was no one in the building across from the bridge and the victims didn't have any bullet holes in them. They just fell over once they had crossed the bridge.

[snfonseka]

nice !

[V-rex]

DeltaIV wrote...

Shepard: "Ash! C'mon, we're going to save the galaxy again."
Ashley: "No way, Commander. You're working for Cerberus. I'm an Alliance soldier. It's in my blood."
Shepard: "Yeah, this place looks a lot like Eden Prime. Remember that? You were an Alliance soldier there, too. Looks like you're two for two, Chief. Maybe you should reflect on what's in your blood. Like your grandfather at Shanxi. Yeah, that's right, I went there. How's that Alliance soldier thing working out for you?"
Ashley: "Waaaaah!" *runs away crying*
Shepard: "That's why I ****ed Liara instead of you, you frigid *****!"

*tranlsation*

Shepard: "Hey Ash, I've just returned back into your life after two years of letting you grieve for me, I will make a very quick ****** poor explanation about how I came back to life and how I am working with Cerberus which is an evil terrorist organisation and the arch enemy of the army we both served together. I didn't even think twice about trying to contact you or try to rejoin the Alliance, instead I just went without complaint to go serve Cerberus.
How would you like to abandon everything you've ever worked for or believed in to go join a terrorist organisation at the instistence of a man just yesterday you weren't even sure was alive?
Also, why aren't you bowing before my feet? Make me a sandwich, woman!"

Ashley: "Err.... how about, no?"

Angry people on the internet: "Wow, she's being totally unreasonable."

Now THAT is the real joke. If you ask me.

Modifié par V-rex, 03 août 2010 - 10:24 .