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[Zandilar]

screwoffreg wrote...

Well everyone, Chapter 4 of my story is done. Before I even let you read it, let me give you a preface

I just read it...
Your Shepard is an idiot. Why not just tell Liara everything and let her make up her own mind? Why do people think they can treat their loved ones as if they were children, and then be surprised when they're resented for it? Anyway, all that aside it's a pretty good read.

One thing, though... You have a habit of using lines like "Him and I did such and such". A good rule of thumb, when you're not sure which pronoun to use, take the "and I" out of the sentence and see if it still makes sense...

"Him and I did such and such" becomes "Him did such and such" which is incorrect. "He did such and such" is correct, so therefore "He and I did such and such" is correct.

[Driveninhifi]

I actually think it DOES make sense for her to stay on Illium (during the course of the game) if she's being blackmailed/employed by Cerberus.

Think about it: the only person she trusts and can realistically protect her is Shepard. Shepard comes back, flying in on a Cerberus ship, staffed by a Cerberus crew. She's got to know Miranda's on the ship, and she knows who Miranda is and how high up she is. That's kind of like walking into the lion's den.

She doesn't know how Shepard will react, true. And if Shepard reacts well, then that's great for her personal feelings. But she still can't get on the Normandy because she doesn't know what will happen to her or Shepard if she does. TIM is not a nice guy; this is a guy that sends you into multiple traps during the course of the game. He's the brand of nasty dude that would have a contingency in place if she does leave with Shepard.

[morrie23]

double post

Modifié par morrie23, 05 mars 2010 - 12:41 .

[morrie23]

double post

Modifié par morrie23, 05 mars 2010 - 12:40 .

[morrie23]

screwoffreg wrote...

DAMNIT I am done. That took forever. I finished the story and it took a lot out of me. For those of you who can actually get through it, imagine yourselves winning an endurance reward. I had to tone down the ending because the dumb site has "rules" about mature content, but I think I got the point across. Hope ya'll enjoy.

http://www.fanfiction.net/~kanelam

Just realized you have to give it a few more minutes for Chapter 5 to load...

Awesome stuff, not just saying this, but I really think you wrote a great story. Thanks for your hard work!

[Sharn01]

Driveninhifi wrote...

I actually think it DOES make sense for her to stay on Illium (during the course of the game) if she's being blackmailed/employed by Cerberus.
Think about it: the only person she trusts and can realistically protect her is Shepard. Shepard comes back, flying in on a Cerberus ship, staffed by a Cerberus crew. She's got to know Miranda's on the ship, and she knows who Miranda is and how high up she is. That's kind of like walking into the lion's den.
She doesn't know how Shepard will react, true. And if Shepard reacts well, then that's great for her personal feelings. But she still can't get on the Normandy because she doesn't know what will happen to her or Shepard if she does. TIM is not a nice guy; this is a guy that sends you into multiple traps during the course of the game. He's the brand of nasty dude that would have a contingency in place if she does leave with Shepard.

While I would like this idea, the same way I would like the idea of the council playing dumb because of all the rumor's TIM has spread even before Shep was back up and moving, it still does not explain the lack of good dialog choices for Shepard. 

That was one of the big problems with ME2, Shepard often would not have access to logical dialog choices, dealing with Liara, and calling TIM and the Normandy crew out on Cerberus's actions being the most prolific.

[Corti78]

screwoffreg wrote...

DAMNIT I am done. That took forever. I finished the story and it took a lot out of me. For those of you who can actually get through it, imagine yourselves winning an endurance reward. I had to tone down the ending because the dumb site has "rules" about mature content, but I think I got the point across. Hope ya'll enjoy.

http://www.fanfiction.net/~kanelam

Just realized you have to give it a few more minutes for Chapter 5 to load...

Just finished reading and it was certainly a good chapter. A fitting and satisfying end to a well written story imo. Really good job, I enjoyed reading it!

[Driveninhifi]

Sharn01 wrote...

While I would like this idea, the same way I would like the idea of the council playing dumb because of all the rumor's TIM has spread even before Shep was back up and moving, it still does not explain the lack of good dialog choices for Shepard. 

That was one of the big problems with ME2, Shepard often would not have access to logical dialog choices, dealing with Liara, and calling TIM and the Normandy crew out on Cerberus's actions being the most prolific.

Yeah, I agree. The Liara conversation seems pretty freaking unnatural since you aren't given realistic responses - especially to the "I couldn't let you go/I'm sorry" conversation. Also, I'd think Shepard would want to know details about how a shy scientist was able to build up an information network in less than 2 years.

And the fact that you couldn't call TIM out on things is weak - especially if your origin is the one who saw everything get destroyed by Cerberus.

[Zandilar]

screwoffreg wrote...

DAMNIT I am done. That took forever. I finished the story and it took a lot out of me. For those of you who can actually get through it, imagine yourselves winning an endurance reward. I had to tone down the ending because the dumb site has "rules" about mature content, but I think I got the point across. Hope ya'll enjoy.

Okay, read that too.

Over all, it's a pretty good story.

Good stuff: I loved the Birds and Bees exchange at the end, I liked how you portrayed Kelly, even if she wasn't actually in it for more than a paragraph or two. Tali's cluelessness is endearing and quite in character, as is Garrus's world weariness.

Criticisms: It just feels a little bit rushed at the end, like you were dying to get to the reunion/love declaration. The problem is that nothing is actually resolved. Once the moment of passion is over, they're back at square one.

You should take this as a hint that you need to expand a little more on the story, and your current ending isn't really an ending.

[Sharn01]

Driveninhifi wrote...

Sharn01 wrote...

While I would like this idea, the same way I would like the idea of the council playing dumb because of all the rumor's TIM has spread even before Shep was back up and moving, it still does not explain the lack of good dialog choices for Shepard. 

That was one of the big problems with ME2, Shepard often would not have access to logical dialog choices, dealing with Liara, and calling TIM and the Normandy crew out on Cerberus's actions being the most prolific.

Yeah, I agree. The Liara conversation seems pretty freaking unnatural since you aren't given realistic responses - especially to the "I couldn't let you go/I'm sorry" conversation. Also, I'd think Shepard would want to know details about how a shy scientist was able to build up an information network in less than 2 years.

And the fact that you couldn't call TIM out on things is weak - especially if your origin is the one who saw everything get destroyed by Cerberus.

I think the story is still salvageable in ME3, but they will always have a bit of an eyesore with certain part's of ME2.  I am forgiving though, so they can earn my trust back with a good finish.  I probably hold Bioware in to high of regard's, they really have never done a direct sequal before, but with their reputation I was really let down with ME2. 

I also think that they have to much of a love affair with Cerberus in general, Mass Effect is a huge universe with so many thing's that could be going on, and it seems like everything they have released since ME1 has at the least had a very strong Cerberus presence, if not completely revolved around Cerberus, and there is so much more to the universe then just them.

[Deamon023]

LesEnfantsTerribles wrote...

Just preordered the Redemption collection released in June.

So, not only will I have each individual comic, but I'll have the full set too. I'm such a Liara addict.

june

[mrbeavis19]

Driveninhifi wrote...

Yeah, I'd guess it starts with Feron's big reveal of who he works for. I'd guess he's working for Cerberus. Then they have the big fight and get the body. Feron probably holds off the guards while Liara escapes in the ship. Liara is unsure about giving Cerberus the body, but TIM says "We can rebuild him. We have the technology!" Liara, being crazy in love with Shep turns the body over.
With that, they have to explain how she got started in the info biz - as we've been over numerous times, she's the character least suited to that business so she really must have a patron.
It would make sense that Cerberus needs a new operative to watch/fight the Shadow Broker (if Feron is working for them), and Liara absolutely needs protection. I think that's key: there's no way she'd be able to survive on her own without support since she literally has no living friends at this point (sure the Normandy crew are her friends, but they can't protect her). So perhaps it's an ultimatum from TIM: work for me and you may have a chance to see Shepard again, otherwise the Shadow Broker will track you down.

"Liara, being crazy in love with Shep..." I am kind of pissed though cause she never refers to him as more than "her friend". It's like the writers of the comic are worried about stepping on toes here. "oh I picked ashley! this is an outrage!". Do they not realize that Liara fans are the base market for these comics? *sigh* oh BW, get your s**t together.<_<

[JPfanner]

Sharn01 wrote...
I also think that they have to much of a love affair with Cerberus in general, Mass Effect is a huge universe with so many thing's that could be going on, and it seems like everything they have released since ME1 has at the least had a very strong Cerberus presence, if not completely revolved around Cerberus, and there is so much more to the universe then just them.

Cerberus is one of the more annoying things in Mass Effect for me to accept.  The asari and salarians formed the Council in 500 BC.  Humanity doesn't even make contact with aliens until 2157.  And yet we're supposed to believe that by 2185 (ME2) that Cerberus would have any amount of influence in anything but some localized human affairs.  The rapid colonization by humans goes along with that, but that usually gets a pass in science fiction stuff along with FTL drives. 
There would just be no way for Cerberus to even begin to compete with Council intelligence assets on a galactic scale when they've been doing it for nearly three millenia and humans have been there for nearly three decades.  TIM is an exceptional individual, but I think he'd still be minor league compared to even one asari matriarch.  How do you quantify nearly one thousand years of experience in human terms?  The STG has been running covert ops and counter-intelligence on a galactic scale since humans were rowing around in triremes.

[Yeled]

I find reading the Romances in ME3 thread to be really depressing. Its taken a lot out of me.

[Nozybidaj]

Yeled wrote...

I find reading the Romances in ME3 thread to be really depressing. Its taken a lot out of me.

Hehe, sorry, my bad.   Was trying to move all the negativity out of this thread so we could keep it happy in here and I could still go off half cocked somewhere.

[Yeled]

JPfanner wrote...

Sharn01 wrote...
I also think that they have to much of a love affair with Cerberus in general, Mass Effect is a huge universe with so many thing's that could be going on, and it seems like everything they have released since ME1 has at the least had a very strong Cerberus presence, if not completely revolved around Cerberus, and there is so much more to the universe then just them.

Cerberus is one of the more annoying things in Mass Effect for me to accept.  The asari and salarians formed the Council in 500 BC.  Humanity doesn't even make contact with aliens until 2157.  And yet we're supposed to believe that by 2185 (ME2) that Cerberus would have any amount of influence in anything but some localized human affairs.  The rapid colonization by humans goes along with that, but that usually gets a pass in science fiction stuff along with FTL drives. 
There would just be no way for Cerberus to even begin to compete with Council intelligence assets on a galactic scale when they've been doing it for nearly three millenia and humans have been there for nearly three decades.  TIM is an exceptional individual, but I think he'd still be minor league compared to even one asari matriarch.  How do you quantify nearly one thousand years of experience in human terms?  The STG has been running covert ops and counter-intelligence on a galactic scale since humans were rowing around in triremes.

I hear what you're saying.  But honestly I try not to overthink these things.  You can poke holes left and right if you do.  Its just a fantasy story in space.  Sometimes things don't make precise sense, and cool is often more important than logical,

[Yeled]

Nozybidaj wrote...

Yeled wrote...

I find reading the Romances in ME3 thread to be really depressing. Its taken a lot out of me.

Hehe, sorry, my bad.   Was trying to move all the negativity out of this thread so we could keep it happy in here and I could still go off half cocked somewhere.

I guess that's fair.  Its definitely better there than here.