[SCENE: the Galaxy Challenge studio. The contestants sit along two tiers: Normandy team on the top, Council team on the bottom. Theme music plays.]
Ortolan: Hello and welcome to another edition of Galaxy Challenge. This week the teams represent the Council...
[the audience cheers]
Ortolan: Yes, that's the spirit. And the Normandy.
Joker: [sitting all alone, having a whole section of seats to himself] Go Normandy! Go Normandy!
Ortolan: Yes, well, representing the Council we have ambassador Tesh; ambassador Tannis; ambassador Nera and ambassador Udina. And representing the Normandy we have Commander Shepard ; Miranda Lawson; Tali'Zorah and Legion.
Legion: Resistance is futile!
Ortolan: So, your starter for 10, no conferring: Born in 1311 of Batarian stock, he came to...
[Legion buzzes in]
Ortolan: Normandy, Legion.
Legion: How are we supposed to reach consensus if we are not allowed to confer?
Ortolan: No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. 5 point penalty to Normandy, full question to the Council team, no conferring. ...He came to represent the modal cathodic slipwit of the...
[Tesh buzzes in]
Ortolan: Council, Tesh.
Tesh: Alright, now, eh, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk d'Wally d'Honque?
Ortolan: Yes, well, you're almost there, can you give me any more?
Tesh: Certainly, will fifty credits do?
Ortolan: Absolutely spot on, well done Council team, 10 points, and three bonus questions to you. "What was the name..."
[Tannis buzzes in]
Tannis: Battle of Alsages!
Ortolan: Yes, well that's very well anticipated. Battle of Alsages it is.
[Legion buzzes in]
Legion: We apologize for the interruption but we really do need to reach consensus rather quickly.
Ortolan: Yes, well, the second bonus question, to the Council team, who are ahead by 15 points, but it's early days yet...
Legion: Shepard-Commander, we are going to have a BSOD at this rate.
Ortolan: ...Who said, "Lawks a lordy, my bottom's on fire"?
[Udina buzzes in]
Udina: Saren!
Ortolan: Yes, I can accept that, although the exact answer is Joan of Arc. Well done, Council team, 5 points. And what is the chemical equation...
[Nera buzzes in]
Nera: I've got a Tennekont. Tee hee!
Ortolan: Yes, well, that's not exactly what I've got written on the card, but I know your mother, so the Council team leads by 25 points.
Nera: Mommy sends hugs. Tee hee!
Ortolan: So, starters for 10, fingers on the buzzers...Who has the largest fleet in the galaxy?
[Tali accidentally buzzes in while disassembling her microphone]
Ortolan: Normandy, Tali'Zorah.
Tali: What?
Miranda: We're getting trashed, we're getting completely trashed! [the guys confer] Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Legion: Team, my processing units are starting to overheat.
Shepard: It's very simple, Legion. Use the jug! [Shepard empties his water pitcher on Tannis' head] Write down the different options on pieces of paper, put them in the jug and draw one on random.
Ortolan: Now I'll have to hurry you...Who has the largest fleet in the galaxy?
[Tannis buzzes in]
Ortolan: Council, Tannis.
Tannis: That's us, isn't it?
Ortolan: No, I'm afraid not, the Turian fleet was destroyed by Reapers early this morning.
Tannis: Oh, damn. [the water pitcher falls on Tannis' head]
Ortolan: So with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
Tali: [buzzing in] I'm completely bloody sick of this!
[blows a hole in the floor with a breaching charge and sends Chikktika down to zap Tesh in the head]
Tali: Give us some easy ones, Ortolan, you big bosh'tet!
Shepard: Relax, we can handle this... Tali!
Tali: [pulling out a hand grenade] Keelah se'lai! [she drops it on the Council team]
Nera: It's not an automatic --
[BOOM the Council team is demolished.]
Shepard: Okay, Ortolan, let's hear another.
Ortolan: So here goes with the starter for 10. What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?
[Shepard buzzes in]
Ortolan: Normandy, Shepard.
Shepard: Six hundred and four, Urdnot Wrex, Tuchanka.
Tali: I told you that, Shepard, you bosh'tet!
Ortolan: 10 points, Normandy, and your question: Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?
Shepard: [buzzing in] Urdnot Wrex.
Ortolan: Correct, 5 points.
Tali: Keelah...
Ortolan: The world's stupidest bottom-burp?
Legion: [buzzing in] Miranda, Earth!
Ortolan: Correct, 5 points.
Miranda: It is not!
Ortolan: And finally, for 5 bonus points to take you into the lead: Who's been tampering with my question cards?
Miranda: [buzzing in] It was me! It was me! Damn, damn!
[audience boos and pelts the Normandy team with garbage]
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