18 réponses à ce sujet

[Jaekahn]

I am creating a story based around the Shepard I have been playing throughout the course of Mass Effect 1 and 2. She is a Spacer / War Hero and as a result, I decided to type up a fanfiction relating to her experience on Elysium. The material and data I am using in relation to the battle itself is copyrighted by Bioware, but is an inspiration to my work. I hope you enjoy and please provide some valuable feedback and constructive criticism.


Because I was unimpressed with the first Chapter, I decided to rewrite it. So here is the new version.

Battle for Elysium - Chapter 1 - Shore Leave (Revised)

Modifié par Jaekahn, 05 mars 2010 - 07:47 .

[Jaekahn]

Yeah... that was an accident. Forum froze x.x.

[Jaekahn]

WOW okay... yeah, I'm real sorry about that. Forum froze and for some reason, it posted it multiple times. I didn't mean to spam the forums x.x

[MercanaryIvan]

it was good. I enjoy reading Mass Effect fan fiction.

[TheBestClass]

I'll check it out. When's that Infiltrator guide gonna be ready?

[Jaekahn]

Guide should be up today or tomorrow. Mid-terms is occupying most of my time, so...

[Modded-Logic]

School, mid-terms? ...Tomorrow? ...Didn't we hear that yesterday? ...and the day before yesterday too?



You need to get your priorities straight soldier, and get that guide out, ASAP!



I want to start my infiltrator run.

[Jaekahn]

-straightens his posture and does a formal salute-

Sir yes sir!

-marches to his computer and continues his work on the Infiltrator guide!-

[HighlighterFTW]

Interesting read. I notice some grammar and technical errors, but that's mainly because I'm a grammar **** of sorts.



I do like your descriptions: simple, sweet, to the point. I'll be reading this as you update.

[Jaekahn]

Yeah, I'm slowly trying to improve my grammar as well as trying to keep it in the same tense. I was actually displeased with the first chapter so I am editing it and going to post another one to replace it. The original one just didn't have as much information in it as I wanted. Once it is finished, this thread will be updated.



Also, since I am designing a fanfic thread on "Infiltrators United" based around Infiltrator characters, I am also going to type up a short story about my other Shepard, Aerrow, and his experience on Akuze. But of course, Kristen comes first! Thanks again for your feedback.

[mybudgee]

Keep up the ggood work, soldier.

[Jaekahn]

Aye aye captain! -stands in formal salute!-

[HighlighterFTW]

If you want to, I could always go through a point out common grammar/style errors or places that can be modified to improve flow.

[Jaekahn]

HighlighterFTW wrote...

If you want to, I could always go through a point out common grammar/style errors or places that can be modified to improve flow.

That would be truly helpful. I'm currently pursuing a career interest in Fine Arts and I eventually want to be a novelist and a Fantasy / Science Fiction author. I am in a beginners class for creative writing and we do what is called "workshop" in order to help us identify our own errors. When I do projects outside of class, I am not given the same response and therefore, don't know what I am doing wrong.

Of course if you do decide to proof read the stories, could you provide the corrections in a private message? I truly appreciate it.

[HighlighterFTW]

One of my friends, actually, is looking to be a novelist. He's in your situation; he's taking classes and such to improve his style. When he began, he was pretty, well, horrid haha, but after a few months of my critiques, he's improve drastically, to the point where he's giving me pointers now. So, I'm definitely happy to help.

Now, I personally don't like proofreading thoroughly, in the sense that I don't like finding all the errors and then showing them to you. I prefer finding trends and common areas needing improvement, and then pointing them out to you. I feel it encourages improvement and learning for more than just throwing a massive block of corrections. If that's fine with you, I'll go that route.

Do you still want me to PM you any suggestions? Or can I make them as a comment under the blog entry?

[Jaekahn]

Either or works and whatever way works for you, works for me. Thanks for your help.

[HighlighterFTW]

No problem. I'll go with the comments method, since that appears easiest for me. Let me know if you've got anything else aside from this fanfic that you'd like me to look at.

Good luck with your classes.

[Jaekahn]

A revision of chapter 1 for my fanfiction series based on my Femshep's experience on Elysium is up. Please take a look and offer some feedback or constructive criticism. It would be greatly appreciated!