Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
In weekly installments!
*Please let me know what you think. Improvments, comments, etc. Let me know if you like it and I will write more.
*And please forgive some of my childish humor.
Mass Effect: Suicide Mission, the true story.
Part One.
Commander Shepard, most renegade/meanest former Spectre in the Galaxy had gathered his team. He had their loyalty. EDI, had the Reaper IFF. The Collectors had his crew. Harbinger would'nt wait to finish it's evil plans. Time was of the essence. And Joker was still in the restroom.
(Legion is actually Blinky, just a nickname)
Shepard was giveing a pep talk to his crew...
Shepard: ...And remember if any of you die, I will loot you body, picking your pockets for all valueables.
Blinky: Shepard, Commander?
Shepard: Shut this thing up! I don't have time for talking toasters! Where is my TOSTER STROODLE!
A big tear swelled up in blinky's flashlight eye, it curled up into a ball and began to cry. Jacob patted Blinky's back.
Jacob: There, there. It's ok. He did'nt mean it like that.
Shepard: YES I DID!
With that Blinky ran out of the room in tears.
Jacob: See, you hurt it's feelings.
Thane: What are feelings? But the outer chemical ballance of communication. The soul needs no form to communicate, it's essence fills the arua of waves of the goddess of the hunt. Mearly the body is seperate from the soul, a tool if you will. Emotions are souley a ruse, a tool. If I killed you now would it not be for the body that tools are the characterisms of Emotions...
Shepard: Thane...
Thane: ...In light of all revolations, they only apply to the body. The soul need not recieve any, for lack of ethical substence....
Shepard: Thane...Thane...SHUT UP!
Thane:...And in emotions she endowed me. A feeling of no soul natue, love! The bodies arura is apart one of a kind. Vibes around me flow in tribal essence of feelings. Geth have no feelings, only soul! A separtation is eternal...
Shepard: QUIET! LISTEN! I'm going to cut your balls of and sell em to a Krogen! Most likely Grunt!
Grunt: Yeah a early birthday.
Tali: We don't have time to deal with a overly sensitive geth, that thing begins to cry at every insult you throw at it.
Shepard: Tali, your right. I'm might put my life in the hands of a Austrialian Crocodile Wrestler, a Psycho Transvestite, a Racially Insensitive Black guy, a Turian who got his team killed, a Astro-Skank, a Hippie Assassin, a Salarian who sings in operas, a pair of talking Hips, a Asari SuperModel with a brick chin, a Blood Thursty Canablistic Krogan. But I'm sure as hell not placeing my life in the hands of a highly advanced AI construct that crys me a river. THROW IT OUT THE AIR LOCK.
Samara: But Shepard?
Shepard: No, buts!
Jacob: *sticking his tounge out and grunting* Yeah Samara, Shepard is right. No butts.
Shepard: Meeting dismissed! I need to find Joker. He has been in the restroom for hours!
Tali: But Shepard, I'm extreamly horny.
Shepard: It can wait!
Everyone filed out single file, like 2nd graders. Shepard began to look for Joker. He searched here, he searched there, he searched for Joker everywhere. Until it came to him.
EDI: Shepard, the Men's restroom is on the port side of the ship.
Part Two
Shepard: They don't pay me enough!
Two squadmembers where haveing fun.
Shepard: Grunt.....Garrus......
Garrus: It is a totally straight "Bro-mance" it's not what you think.
Grunt: *something in mouth* Garrus, let me relieve some of that tension with hardcore violence.
Garrus: I has reach, but he have flexibility.
Grunt was being strattled by Garrus over the toilet. Grunt let out moans and groans, while he groaped and tickled Garrus.
Shepard: I'm not paying you to make love. Do it on your own time.
Garrus: Its a "bromance".
Shepard left the restroom as Miranda exited her stall.
Miranda: Bloody Hell?!?
Grunt: You know breasts like those sunk the Bismark.
Over on the portside of the ship...
Joker: Help! Help me! It's HUGE!
Shepard storms in.
Shepard: I'm here to help, whats the matter Joker?
Joker: It won't leave the body!
Shepard: Push harder.
Joker: I can't, ive already broke my pelvis.
Shepard: Quickly, spread your legs. We are going to have to irrigate your bowls. EDI get me the pressure washer.
Joker: Pressure washer?
Shepard: 1600 Newtons of force. I won't lie, after this you can't have anal sex for the next two months.
Joker: Releaseing Direct Control!
Shepard: Son of a Sea Cow!
Fecal matter gushed out of Joker, down his legs and all over the floor and Shepard's nice dress shoes.
Shepard: If you get us through this mission alive I just might forgive you.
Modifié par Captain Cornhole, 12 mars 2010 - 04:41 .
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