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[Ashira Shepard]

Oh god XD

Yeah, I can see that going very well.

Modifié par AshiraShepard, 29 avril 2010 - 11:08 .

[Dean_the_Young]

The fundamental question any author should ask about a potential OC is 'why' for just about any given trait.

AshiraShepard wrote...

I find myself in need of help, as I set myself the challenge to "humanize" a character. And so I came up with a backstory involving Morinth that takes place on Omega, leading up to the point where Samara and Shepard find and lure her.

Created a new species, so I could pull off the OC I wanted to use. (humans; boring. Turians; too plated. Drell; scaley and rare. Salarian; mostly asexual. Asari; no comment.) Not that I hate the other races, they just didn't fit the character I wanted.

Anyway, gist of the story so far;

- Ali'sha is a Talinth (new species like the recent Drell but look more like a feline/human cross. Feline ears and tail. For the love of god, DO NOT think Anime catgirls)

Take this, for example. Why should a human/feline cross not bring images of Japanese (or even Egyptian-influenced) catgirls? Catgirls are, after all, feline/human cross: some styles go for over the top crosses, others blend them, but you're not going to escape the label of a catgirl if you character is (a) a cross of human and cat, and ( an attractive girl. The fact that (by your FFN fanfic) you call them Lun'sahre, children of the moon, only emphasizes the human factor due to using a human-language name.

Why does a whole new species have to have an exotic, superficially non-human appearance rather than, say, something only an Asari could love? Asari don't care about looks. Morinth didn't go after Shepard for looks, but for actions.

Moreover, what's the point of a whole new species in the first place? From the sounds of it, it's pretty shallow: you want something exoctic and attractive by human standards. You can always give your take on a Turian female (smoother textures?), a Salarian with a hormonal disorder than makes him have a libido, or even a Volus who breaks the bonds..

- Biotic warrior incapacitated from a previous civil war (lung wound that causes her life to shorten if she
over exerts herself) and she is living on Omega. Far from helpless however, she's hardly weak and can kill people in a heartbeat.

Why does your pet OC have to be a super powerful individual, when the story already has them (Morinth, Aria)?

Biotics are supposed to be rare enough, and powerful people don't fight with major lung wounds. It's kind of the definition of being incapacitated. Either drop the sympathy cruches, or tone back the power wanking.

- Is a Pariah of her people for reasons yet to be known.

Sadly, 'oh my tragic past everyone hates me though I'm great person war veteran' is little more than a Mary Sue flag. Unless, of course, she's a pariah because she's a cold blooded murderer, the kind who would gladly take employ with Aria, in which case 'Pariah' is far too sympathetic (and trigers the Mary Sue flags).

- Because of her unique skills, she's under the employ of Aria; and charged with keeping an eye on Morinth to make sure she doesn't cause trouble. (i.e - kill anyone of particular importance to Aria)

Why does Aria know who and what Morinth is, when she didn't know for Shepard? Moreover, assuming this just takes place between when Shepard asked and Shepard searched, why is Aria sending a cripple to look after an Ardat Yanshi, a biotic with powers rivaling a Matriarch and who gets stronger with each kill, regardless of whether or not they're close to Aria? 

Actually, there is an answer to that. Because a cripple could conceivably watch without being alarming, whereas only true Sue-powers could justify a crippled biotic being on par with Morinth: a warrior wouldn't be much use.

Just to point out - I don't intend for Ali'sha to die because of Morinth; that would be too easy and far too obvious.

And it's obvious for good reason: Morinth has survived as long as she has because no one knows she's an Ardat Yanshi, and those who do either learn so too late or are killed, before she flees and hides for another 50 years or so.

Even if your character doesn't sleep with Morinth (though a fall from sense under Morinth's charisma and charm would be a fitting conclusion), being murdered by Morinth in order to keep the secret also quite reasonable.

What would not be reasonable, however, would be super-independent charm-immune powerful biotic who can fight her to a stand still, but then either survives or gets knocked off by something trivial.

[Texaboose]

Ok, granted I only skimmed through most of the posts, and haven't read your published chapter (can't access fanfic.net from work), and also I know it's been a month since your original post  but would like to add my 2 cents on the complexity of Morinth who, IMHO, is a very underrated character who's too commonly flagged as 'evil'.

To gain an appreciation of Morinth, you must consider her past and her circumstance.
She was born a pureblood, so already shunned by the rest of Asari society, but otherwise would of had a normal, and presumely happy, childhood. Samara hadn't commited herself to the Justicar code yet, and from Samara's talks, seemed like a loving mother.
As Morinth reached adulthood, she finds she has a genetic defect, something totally beyond her control and she has two choices - life long imprisonment (yes, it's technically a life within a monestry, but it is a form on imprisonment), or death. So the equivilant of a teenager is given these choices while everyone else she knows (apart from her sisters) is 'living life'. She's young, intelligent and resolved, but has suddenly had her whole world shift in a 180 degree manner, and now your literally wanted for a crime you haven't committed. You can't really blame her for running.
Now she'd be full of resentment towards her mother for passing this 'evil' gene on to her which would be exasperated by Samara's choice to become a Justicar for the sole purpose of hunting you down. I imagine there must of been a lot of hate and anger at the unfairness of the situation and whether willingly or not, she would of struck out. Either as way of saying "you made me this monster so I will embrace what you made me" or "I have no choice in the matter, but I must do what I must", she used her Ardat-Yakshi powers and killed.

In doing so she felt the biggest moment of ecstasy in her life. Couples with the experience of feeling the worst in your life moments before must of made this feel 10 times better. She initially knows it's morally wrong, but she can't get over the sensation. So Morinth starts rationalizing what she's done to justify to herself that she can, and must, do it again. Her false conclusion is that the Ardat-Yakshi is the next evolutionary step for the asari. She makes herself believe it as absolutely as any religious fanatic. Over time she only picks the best suitors for her 'religion'. She lovingly sacrifies her victims because she believes they are strong and worthy enough to be selected and because she believes the she is worthy and strong enough to sacrifice them. IMO Morinth doesn't believe she is murdering them, but that together they are making her stronger as an Ardat-Yakshi so she can pass this strength on to future generations. She doesn't believe what she is doing is 'wrong' but in the best interest of the Asari.
When Morinth finds Shepard, she believes that she's found someone so mentally and spiritally strong and secure that Shepard can resist the effects. She believes that she's found the peak of what she's been looking for - someone whom she can mate with and pass along the strength of the Ardat-Yakshi.

So we have a character with a very fractured past and a delusionaly present. Yet she's still very intelligent, resourceful and outside her immediate situation knows right from wrong. She understands that what the Collectors are doing is 'wrong' and that it's for the greater good that they're on the suicide mission. She has a great understanding of people, with the only person she didn't properly understand was Samara.

Maybe I'm reading too much into Morinth's character, but this is my 2 cents

[Ashira Shepard]

Dean the Young, I've changed a lot of the story since I first posted this thread.

I've also changed up Ali'sha's background a little, and I mainly just thought that the title "Pariah" fit; it's more for Morinth now that I've fixed Ali'sha backstory. Ali isn't a Pariah, but she is hunted by enemies. She left homespace because there were too many memories.

And FYI, I made the Talinth long before I even heard of Mass Effect, this story was just a valid excuse to use them somewhere.

So, as much as I appreciate how polite you were in picking my story and character apart, please read through the thread next time. I stated near the end of the last page what changes I made; the more immediate ones anyway.

Edit: And I said "don't think of anime catgirls" because when people do think of them, 90% of the time, they think of busty, dim-witted, scantily clad, clusmy catgirls who need someone to constantly watch them.

Modifié par AshiraShepard, 29 avril 2010 - 06:27 .

[Dean_the_Young]

Pariah doesn't fit Morinth either. Morinth would be a pariah if people knew what she was, but people don't. When and where she settles, she's as desired as anything else. It's only when her Mother finds her that she has to run.



Alas, I have no interest in reading through multiple pages when the summary of what it is is on the first page. Perhaps you should edit the first page, to prevent people from being bored by reading said thread to pick up any changes (none of which you have mentioned to address the points I brought up).



You really aren't breaking from the catgirl motif or theme, despite your objection to one variation of the concept. What catgirls, Japanese or otherwise, represent, you're aiming for: mysterious power, graceful, and sexually exotic yet reassuringly familiar.

[Ashira Shepard]

I have edited my first post at your command, oh great Dean =P