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[Xsause]

Well, since this is the place to post stories, I just thought I'd add a fanfic of mine. It's called Fail for the Lost. It's an extremely screwed up M-rated parody of Mass Effect 2's plot. No, seriously.

Plot summary:

"A story so weird and unfunny, you'll want to un-read it over and over!"

Commander Jane "Mary Sue" Shepard, a raging xenophile with some serious issues, is killed when her ship blows up. Two years later, she is revived by Cerberus for only one reason: to stop the abduction of humans across the galaxy. Joined by an also-revived Saren (this is where it gets cracky), the ice-queen Miranda, and the rather bland Kanye-imitating biotic Jacob, she sets out on an adventure that will change the entire galaxy, and herself. She's the only one able to save humanity. But who will save her alien squadmates from her affections?


Romance fans don't have to be disappointed: this fic's got FemShep/Saren, FemShep/Garrus, FemShep/Saren/Garrus, well, practically FemShep/every male turian, krogan and salarian she meets. It also introduces the legendary Turian Councilor/Anderson pairing! *sarcasm* Ain't THAT hot!?  

 

I know it's bad. It's up to you to decide how bad it really is.

Here's the link:


Fail for the Lost!

(Rated M for crude jokes, crack pairings, Mary Sues, adult themes, interspecies hawtness, violence, Miranda's butt, foe yay, intentionally badly written romance scenes, and horribly over the top humor)


SHEPARD'S CURRENT TEAM OF EPIC FAIL MIXED WITH EPIC WIN:

GARRUS "SPACE BATMAN" VAKARIAN 
JACOB "KANYE" TAYLOR
MIRANDA "SAILOR URANUS" LAWSON
PROF. DR. MORDIN SOLUS
NIFTU CAL, A.K.A. "THE BIOTIC GOD"
SAREN "BADASS" ARTERIUS


R&R!   

Modifié par Xsause, 28 mars 2010 - 10:11 .

[OneBadAssMother]

ROFL You give yourself too little credit!!!



"'Can't die now, haven't done it with a turian yet. Can't die now, haven't done it with a turian yet.' was all she could think before being blown into the endless void of space."... Two seconds later, Commander Jane Shepard was dead.



I'm still reading, it's great work, thank you for posting this lol.

[Xsause]

OneBadAssMother wrote...

ROFL You give yourself too little credit!!!

"'Can't die now, haven't done it with a turian yet. Can't die now, haven't done it with a turian yet.' was all she could think before being blown into the endless void of space."... Two seconds later, Commander Jane Shepard was dead.

I'm still reading, it's great work, thank you for posting this lol.

Aww, now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Thanks for the nice comment!   :happy:

[Commissar Gash]

'Yo, I'm real happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but these are some of the most screwed up mechs of all time!' the Cerberus guy exclaimed loudly. 'OF ALL TIME!' He got out of cover to fire at a mech, whose head popped like a cherry, then turned back to face Shepard.
Can't...stop....laughing
btw Have you taken that part about certain "things" bouncing in the breeze from the Engineer duo?

""Ah Yes, "Hot Saren/Shepard Romance". We Have Dismissed Those
Claims!", Says Turian Councilor." Now that she thought of
it, that turian Councilor had dismissed a lot of claims, even back
then. He had dismissed a claim that he was romantically involved with
Captain Anderson, too, even though it had been totally obvious.

Modifié par gashgfjaskgfkagh, 18 mars 2010 - 01:56 .

[OneBadAssMother]

Xsause wrote...

OneBadAssMother wrote...

ROFL You give yourself too little credit!!!

"'Can't die now, haven't done it with a turian yet. Can't die now, haven't done it with a turian yet.' was all she could think before being blown into the endless void of space."... Two seconds later, Commander Jane Shepard was dead.

I'm still reading, it's great work, thank you for posting this lol.

Aww, now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Thanks for the nice comment!   :happy:

Heh no problem. I am a honest sort by the way, I mean what I say, and that was a great fan-fic. Really made me laugh after a long 12 hr work shift =)

[Xsause]

gashgfjaskgfkagh wrote...
Have you taken that part about certain "things" bouncing in the breeze from the Engineer duo?

Yeah. They're the reason I hang around at Engineering so much when I'm on the Normandy. At least when I'm not chilling with Garrus in the main battery (he seems to have a bad case of amnesia though - he's still worried about spending the night with my FemShep even though he already did) or feeding my fish. (I want to let Kelly do it, but whenever I try flirting with her to get to the dinner part, it just feels so wrong I stop inmediately)  

Glad you like it!

Modifié par Xsause, 18 mars 2010 - 02:08 .

[Commissar Gash]

Xsause wrote...

gashgfjaskgfkagh wrote...
Have you taken that part about certain "things" bouncing in the breeze from the Engineer duo?

Yeah. They're the reason I hang around at Engineering so much when I'm on the Normandy. At least when I'm not chilling with Garrus in the main battery (he seems to have a bad case of amnesia though - he's still worried about spending the night with my FemShep even though he already did) or feeding my fish. (I want to let Kelly do it, but whenever I try flirting with her to get to the dinner part, it just feels so wrong I stop inmediately)  

Glad you like it!

I hope you update soon and let Saren kill some unimportant NPCs, he deserves some fun. Maybe make Saren shoot Conrad in his groin?

[OneBadAssMother]

Agreed! Your work needs updating!

[iamdoingthat]

"Prazza vas Leeroy nar Jenkins"



Ha!

[JediHealerCosmin]

The jokes about Casual difficulty and thermal clips were just epic!

Honestly, i couldn't stop laughing

[Xsause]

OneBadAssMother wrote...

Agreed! Your work needs updating!

Almost done writing chapter 8 now, hope I can get it finished soon! 

Modifié par Xsause, 18 mars 2010 - 10:48 .

[kelyon]

'Garrus,' Shepard groaned, throwing a turian-only helmet at him, 'just to be clear, the ship is exploding around us. There's no way the Alliance can get here in time.'

I've finished first chapter and must say that this is hilarious.

[Xsause]

I'm oh so happy to say that I've finished chapter 8 now. It should be online in a few minutes.

[Snowraptor]

its okay.

[DeathByWoodchipper]

I just finished reading chapter 8 and I must say: this story is fantastic! I'm eager to see the next installment.

[Asari]

Xsause wrote...

I know it's bad. It's up to you to decide how bad it really is.

Ah yes, "It's bad" I have dismissed that claim!

I'm at chapter 4 and im already in love with it Keep on writing!

[RyuGuitarFreak]

"Garrus,' Shepard groaned, throwing a turian-only helmet at him, 'just to be clear, the ship is exploding around us. There's no way the Alliance can get here in time.'

'I know, Shepard.' Garrus put on the helmet and nodded. 'I just said it for…dramatic effect.'"

YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

And Garrus did it again.

Great fic ;]

Modifié par RyuGuitarFreak, 19 mars 2010 - 01:24 .

[Xsause]

I didn't expect so many people would actually read it, and I REALLY didn't expect anyone to like it. It's a nice suprise though. 

Thanks for all the great comments!

Modifié par Xsause, 19 mars 2010 - 10:18 .

[justregret]

Very nice, I have to say I enjoyed roughly 90% of it; maybe too many jokes about sex, or I just get sick of them after awhile (in high-school).

I think that Jane should have, uh, some fun in Miranda's room without her knowing; and Miranda should be able to shoot lasers from her arse (aiming may be difficult), seeing as she is a super-hero (or super-villian?).



*Jimmy cue the dramatic music*

Dum-di-dum-dum dum-di-dum-dum DUM!



Anyways, great work.

[phordicus]

nicely done but please for the love of all reapers: left justify.

[justregret]

Can Dr.Okeer live in this alternate universe? Pretty please...

[LOST GAM3R]

 It's like I'm reading the sequel to Mock Effect! 
This has too much pure win to be called "Fail for The Lost."

[kelyon]

Man You are amazing.
I've laughed till cry reading Chapter 6
"Hmm. Who are you?" Mordin acknowledged them. "Refugees? No, too well armed. Strippers? No, wear clothes. Soldiers. Yes-yes." 

This is my favored part 

[Xsause]

Chapter 9's online now, go check it out here! It's REALLY disturbing by the way, so I suggest keeping a barf bag with you at all times.

Thanks for the reviews so far, and I hope you'll continue to enjoy Fail for the Lost (if you're enjoying it at all, that is)!

Modifié par Xsause, 26 mars 2010 - 10:17 .

[Mikenator700]

Haha! Anderson and the Turian counsellor!

Priceless!