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My story...

Débuté par Guest_randumb vanguard_* , mars 18 2010 04:19

10 réponses à ce sujet

#1
Guest_randumb vanguard_*
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 04:19

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the rules for this topic are as follows...
Posted Image(list may be subject to change)
compliments=imparitive
puns=encouraged
constructive criticism=good
grammer/spelling ****s=bad
walls of text that aren't mine=bad
insults/flaming= forbiden
conversations not about story=forbidden
spam=forbiden

at any time I may feel like my story isn't getting enough people enjoying it for me to make the next section. When this happens positive feedback is needed to keep my morale high...

#2
Guest_randumb vanguard_*
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 04:20

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*clears throut* now once upon a time...

I was not just the frail biotic you see today but I did have powers... great powers. Back over in um, about 2020 years ago. I was a young boy no powers no strength I lived in a small viliage. It was a peacefull villiage not much going on there was a dark "evil" forest to the south oceans to the north and and long paths to the east and west. At the time, being a kid and all, when the older folks called it evil I just thought it was a joke, but the term evil forest was much to truthfull. I was then told by my mum I needed to go out with my older brother to buy some supplies and medicine, normally she would have came with us but she was very very sick and my dad was the villiage doctor and refused to leave her side. He may seem to be unresponsible giving two children the task to leave by their lonesome, but the store wasn't to far away only about a 3 hour walk( that wasn't long back then) and he trusted us greatly. So me and my brother went to the market to the market to buy the supplies but as wstarted to walk back we saw an enormous cloud of smoke coming from the derection of the villiage...

#3
Guest_randumb vanguard_*
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 04:22

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as soon as me and my brother saw that black cloud billowing from the area we wondered what was going on so we decided to hasten our steps. It took a while but once we got there I saw an image an image that still haunts me to this day... what was it that I saw? What could be so bad that I can remember after all these years? In one word? Slaughter. All the buildings were half burnt there was blood splattered all over the char covered, half burnt down walls. And we couldn't see any sign of life. At that time my brother charged into it toward our house in a complete rage, you couldn't imagine the fire I saw in his eyes... Me? I wasn't angry I was sad, scared, and lonely... I got closer to the wreckage and I could see my brother in the distance crying in front of our house holding what looked like the corpse of our dad in his arms. Then I saw a black-robe wearing fellow walk toward my brother with a knife drawn I quickley jumped behind the nearest half-burnt building and watched what happened...

#4
Guest_randumb vanguard_*
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 04:25

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I saw the knife wielder get behind my brother and try to stab him at that moment my brother looked back behind him and saw it coming toward him at full speed he quickley jumped to the side (he has very quick reflexes). Then the knife wielder then tried to stab him again but my brother dodged but this time grabbed the knife wielder's arm and twisted it so tthat he wouldn't be able to use his knife. but then something wierd happened the knife wielder's other hand glowed a mysterious "dark light" and suddenly my dad who I previously thought was a corpse stood up. Even from that distance I could see how surprised my brother was. The knife wielder took advantage of this moment and broke free from my brother's grasp and pushed my brother away. The knife wielder took a few steps back and merilly stopped. Then my brother turned his back on our newly revived father to see what the knife wielder was doing but then my dad took picked up his shortsword, (he probably used to defend himself while the knife wielder first attacked) which is generally used for decoration. And then he stabbed my brother right in the back! not by accident but it went straight through his back. My dad then pulled it out and you could see the blood gushing from my brother's the wound. I looked up at the knife wielder(still hiding) and he just laughed not your ordinary laugh but it was much more bone chilling, or maybe it was normal and my imagination was getting the better of me. After his laugh was over the mans hand glowed again and my brother stood back up. But he wasn't himself my brother picked up a dead body (and so did the knife wielder and dad). and they dragged the bodies off into the dark, evil forest... but one thing was for certain that enigmatic man was a necromancer, and my dad and brother, zombie's...



need... positive feedback! morale dropping...

#5
GreedIsNoException
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 05:04

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You should put that you go into the village (to make sorta give a small explanation that the "knife weilder" just passed you by the side or something.) And maybe putting you saw your dead girlfriend or just dead friends and a ball that you used to play with? It gives it more emotion.

#6
Guest_randumb vanguard_*
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 05:06

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GreedIsNoException wrote...

You should put that you go into the village (to make sorta give a small explanation that the "knife weilder" just passed you by the side or something.) And maybe putting you saw your dead girlfriend or just dead friends and a ball that you used to play with? It gives it more emotion.

notice that I am still in the villiage, but good idea it has been noted...
and i am a little young to be having girlfriends then...

Modifié par randumb vanguard, 18 mars 2010 - 05:07 .

#7
Dark Lilith
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 06:01

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use paragraphs more.Add some first person talk to it.Can I add a story by me and perhaps you can see what I mean?

#8
Guest_randumb vanguard_*
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 06:03

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Dark Lilith wrote...

use paragraphs more.Add some first person talk to it.Can I add a story by me and perhaps you can see what I mean?

nah this topic is my story write it somewere else and I will read it, but I see what you mean.
I never write anything so... yeah.... it shouldn't be good...

#9
Dark Lilith
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 06:04

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randumb vanguard wrote...

Dark Lilith wrote...

use paragraphs more.Add some first person talk to it.Can I add a story by me and perhaps you can see what I mean?

nah this topic is my story write it somewere else and I will read it, but I see what you mean.
I never write anything so... yeah.... it shouldn't be good...

k,I'll add what was a short story but has expanded intp book form,brb

#10
Guest_randumb vanguard_*
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 06:25

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For a while I was paralzed with fear I couldn't move... or I didn't want to be able to move. I saw the necromancer (knife wielder) come back with friends and they took all of the bodies and left. After that I got up and examined the wreckage. 
      The first thing I did was check my house, Even half burned down there were obvious signs of a struggle. The dining room table had a huge crack going down the middle and the 2 of the four chairs were on the other side of the room. One of which was broken. and the blood was everywere. It definatley looked like dad put up quite a fight. I then checked my room on the ground was a little soot-covered toy wooden sword me and my brother used to play with. My room seemed highley untouched.
     I then went to check out the houses each one has the same story, burns, blood, and emptiness. Once my 'investigation' was done I just went to my bed and cried untill nightfall, then I slept.

#11
Stanley Woo
Posté 18 mars 2010 - 07:45

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Yeah, there are word processing programs that are designed to take all your story fragments and keep them together in a single file. heck, you could have posted all of your story so far in a single post. Work out your story first, then start posting in large chunks, not piecemeal like this.



This gets locked for spam.



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