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[Jakia]

Originally posted on livejournal.

Title: The
Adventures of PC Cousland, a Fangirl
Author:
Jakia
Word Count: 2202
Warnings:
Spoilers and foul language abound!
A/N:
I half-wrote this for my sister who was vaguely interested in dragon
age so far via facebook. I decided to keep everything I wrote and turn
it into a full-length parody to share with you guys. More will come if
people actually like this.

--------------------------------------------------------

Daddy:
SO ARL HOWE, MY BFF FOREVER, WHY DON'T YOU MEET MY DAUGHTER?
Howe:
Why, she is lovely.
PC: Eww old man cooties.
Howe:
My son is interested in you. You should marry him.
PC:
No.
Duncan: Sup my Couslands. I am looking for
Grey Wardens. I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU WOULD BE INTERESTED,
WOULD YOU?
PC: Actually--
Daddy:
NO. I need you to stay here and look after the castle while I'm gone
off to war with your brother.
PC: But but you and
Fergus always get to do the fun things and I'm stuck here doing the
boring things whine whine **** moan.
Daddy: I
don't want to fight your mother about it, so you can argue with
Mommy-kins if you’d like. GO GET YOUR BROTHER FOR ME, WILL YOU?
PC:
whine whine whine
Daddy: DO IT NOW.
PC:
Okay fine.

PC: ::leaves::

Ginger
Dude: Hey your dog is harassing the cook again.
PC:
Fine fine I'll go get him.
Nan: OH MY GOD I'LL
KILL THE DOG KILL HIM KILL HIM GET HIM OUT OF MY KITCHEN **** MORE
PC:
HEY be nice to my dog. >.<
Nan: No. Now get
him out of my kitchen or we are having doggy stew tonight.

PC:
My dog seems very manly and ferocious. I think I’ll name him
Sparkles.*
Sparkles: ::barks happily::

PC:
OH HAI look it’s Mommy.
Mommy: Daughter, we have
guests. This is Lady Blahblah, and her very handsome son, Blah.
PC:
Sup guests.
Marriageable Son: Your daughter is very
beautiful.
PC: Sorry, I am saving myself for
Alistair.
Mommy: Why won’t you get married and
give me grandbabies?
PC: Mom. Seriously. I’m
a rogue. I can pick locks and pick pockets. I carry daggers on my
back and wear light leather armor. You seriously think I’m going to get
married at this point?!
Mommy:
: Well, go see your brother, at any rate.
PC:
Will do.
PC: ::leaves::

Fergus:
::having special happy family time::
PC: Aww.
Fergus:
And here is my little sister to see me off. Sup, sis?
PC:
Hey bro.
Sister-in-Law: whine whine **** moan
Nephew:
I am absolutely adorable in every way. Watch as I quote Steven
Colbert.
PC: Nephew, you just became my favorite.
::pats head::
Daddy: Hey kids, you ready to act like
a stereotypical happy family so the PC can look back on this moment and
wonder how everything went to **** so fast?
Fergus:
Alright! Let’s do that!
Sister-in-Law: whine whine
**** moan
Nephew: I want to learn how to use a
sword! Auntie, will you teach me?
PC: ::touched::
Adorable Nephew, I will totally teach you how to use a sword.
Sister-in-Law:
I hate you all.
PC: Shut it. Kid has got to learn
how to fight sometime. It’s IN THE BLOOD.
Mommy:
Anyway, let’s go to bed I’M SURE NOTHING DRAMATIC OR IMPORTANT WILL
HAPPEN AS SOON AS YOU GO TO SLEEP.
PC: Word.

THAT
NIGHT

Sparkles: ::barks::
PC:
Goddamnit dog don’t make me regret getting you.
PC:
::opens door:: HOLY **** FIGHTING.
PC: ::puts
clothes on and grabs a sword:: TIME TO MAKE THESE BASTARDS PAY.
::KILLS
THEM ALL::
Mommy: OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAS
HAPPENED?
PC: I dunno.
Mommy: WE
MUST HAVE BEEN BETRAYED. THESE ARE HOWE’S MEN.
PC:
THAT FIEND.
Mommy: Let’s fight these bastards!
Mommy:
::IS SUDDENLY BADASS::
PC: Mom! You didn’t tell me
you were awesome!
Mommy: I didn’t? Oh well, now
you know—OH DEAR GOD THEY KILLED THE KID.
PC: And
the ****y sister-in-law. Hooray the **** is dea--WAIT THEY KILLED MY
NEPHEW? THE ADORABLE ONE?
Mommy: Yes.
PC:
…Come on, we’ve got people to kill.
Mommy and PC: ::ARE
BADASS::
Mommy: We need to find the family
sword and shield.
PC:
…But I’m a rogue…
Mommy: FAMILY SWORD AND
SHIELD. THERE THEY ARE. USE THEM WELL.
PC: I DO
NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH REQUIRED TO EVEN LIFT THIS. WHY CAN’T WE HAVE A
NICE PAIR OF FAMILY DAGGERS?
Mommy: Now we need to
find your father.
PC:
::crushed under the weight of the shield:: …okay…

Daddy:
Alas, I am dying. Notice how I didn’t even start to bleed until you
came into the room?
PC
(and player): ::feels
pretty helpless::
Duncan: I can’t save your
daddy. BUT YOU SHOULD BE A GREY WARDEN.
PC: WHY
WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?
Duncan: THEY ARE AWESOME
AND STUFF.
PC: OKAY I’LL DO IT.
Daddy:
Promise me you will find your brother and get revenge?
PC:
I promise.
Mommy: I’m going to be really epic and
kill everyone who comes in the room in order to prevent them from coming
after you.
PC: …So, Mommy might still be ali—
Duncan:
No. No one is alive. THEY ARE ALL DEAD.
PC: I AM
SAD.
Duncan: YOU SHOULD BE.

LATER

Duncan:
This is the King.
Calian: ::is pretty:: Hi who are
you?
PC: PC Cousland of Highever.
Calian:
Hey I knew your dad.
PC: That’s wonderful BECAUSE
NOW HE IS DEAD AND I AM ANGSTY.
Calian: I promise,
when this is over, I’ll have Howe executed, how does that sound?
PC:
MARVELOUS. WHERE IS MY BROTHER?
Calian: Not here,
for plot reasons. Anyway, I vote the Grey Wardens are awesome. You
guys should come to my war meeting tonight. It’s going to be a pretty
wild party.
Duncan: Will do.

PC:
So what now?
Duncan: Now we do the Joining.
PC:
The what?
Duncan: Oh, it’s just something
that may kill you a ritual we Grey Wardens go through. YOU
SHOULD SPEAK TO ALISTAIR.
PC: My love interest?
Rock on!

PC: ::wanders around the camp and gets
lost three times::*

Alistair: I am equal parts
wit and prettiness.
PC:
Take me now, you delicious piece of man-meat.
Alistair:
What was that? My virgin ears deceive me.
PC:
Uh, wearesupposetohavethejoiningandyouneedto****menowkkbye—
Alistair:
The Joining? Alright. But first I am going to mention how rare it is
to have women be Wardens.
PC: If you turn out to be
sexist I’ll kill you.
Alistair: Nope, not sexist.
Just clueless. March on, little rogue!

Duncan:
So, here are all our recruits—
Daveth: I feel as
though I should hit on our newest recruit far more than I actually do in
the game.
Duncan: …Moving on, I need to you three—
Daveth:
Seriously, the game treats her like sex-on-legs regardless of how she
actually looks, and I feel like I am missing out on something.
Duncan:
--Three vials of darkspawn blood—
Daveth: Sex!
On! Legs! Why programmers, why? I hit on other soldiers but I can’t
hit on the PC? What gives?
Duncan: --treaties in
the woods—
Daveth: I mean, Alistair is clueless and
Jory is married, I get that, but I should be able to make cat-calls and
all the inappropriate jokes I want.
Duncan: Go,
and be back before sundown! kthxbye.

PC: And
here we are! An open world! A new experience just waiting to be found—
Alistair:
You have gotten us lost already, and we are only two feet from the
gates.*
PC: I—I—wait, why am I in charge?
Daveth:
I wanted to stare at your backside.
Jory: Er, you
seemed like you knew what you were doing?
Alistair:
All of the above!
PC: Fine, but don’t expect—HOLY
****, DARKSPAWN.
::ATTACKS::
Alistair:
No, those are wolves.
PC:
…I grew up sheltered in a castle. Leave me alone. >.<
Alistair:
Those, however, are darkspawn.
::ATTACKS::
PC:
We just killed like eight of those guys and only one of them
has a vial of blood?
Alistair: We should just give
Duncan our armor when we are done here, it should have enough blood on
it to cover the next three Joinings.

PC: HEY
LOOK THERE IS THE CACHE but nothing seems to be inside it…
Morrigan:
Stare at my boobs, fanboys, stare at my boobs.
Alistair,
Daveth, and Jory: OH GOD IT’S A WITCH RUN AWAY—
PC:
I have bigger balls than all of you, and I am a woman.
Morrigan:
I believe you.
Morrigan: Anyway, I don’t have
your treaties. Mom does, though.
PC: Er, are we
going to have to fight you for them?
Morrigan: Uh,
no? I’ll just take you to Mother and she’ll give them to you.
PC:
I’m sorry, but that sounds nice and all the concept videos
I’ve seen shows that you aren’t that nice and I AM SO CONFUSED.
Morrigan:
Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll be a **** later.

Flemeth:
::is seven shades of crazy-awesome::
Morrigan:
Mother, here are some guests.
Daveth/Jory/Alistair:
::are cowards::
PC: ::Is badass::
Flemeth:
Well, at least one of you three has balls.
PC:
Damn straight.
Flemeth: Anyway, here are your
treaties. Have fun! Stop by some other time, and I’ll bake cookies
and maybe transform into a dragon and eat you.
PC:
Well, isn’t she pleasant! What a nice old lady.

Duncan:
Finally. Jeez, I’ve been waiting here with the dog for like forever.
PC:
Sorry. Anyway, here’s the vials—
Duncan: TO THE
RITUAL!
PC: Uh, don’t you want the treaties? I
mean, I’d hate to be stuck with these if something tragic happened to
you, Duncan.
Duncan: No time! TO THE RITUAL.

Jory:
Blah blah I hate this ritual this sucks I just want to go home and see
my pregnant wife in Highever.
PC: REALLY? I AM FROM HIGHEVER--
Duncan:
NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR ORIGIN. Now for the ritual. Drink this blood
and become one with the darkspawn.
PC: Really?
Because that sounds gross.
Duncan: I’ve added fruit
juice so it doesn’t taste bad.
PC: Oh, well, when
you put it that way—
Daveth: I’ll go first.
::drinks::
Daveth:
And now I am dead. ::dies::
Jory: This **** can
kill us? Oh hell no. >.<
Duncan: SORRY NO
REFUNDS.
::kills that ****::
Duncan: And
you, PC?
PC: Darkspawn blood? Sound delicious.
I’ll take two.
::passes out like a pansy::

Duncan:
Are you alive?
PC: You are a liar. That did not
taste like fruit juice.
Alistair: Did you have
awful dreams? I had awful dreams.
PC: Well, I saw a
terrifying dragon, does that count?
Duncan: Yes.
Anyway, we should go see the King.
Alistair: Uh,
I’ll just stay here and play with the dog instead kk.
PC:
::slightly suspicious:: Er, okay. See you then.

Calian:
I TRUST THE GREY WARDENS AND ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THEY DO.
PC:
I’m so happy you have faith in us, your majesty! This will probably
make the entire game go much easier—
Loghain:
I hate you all. Watch as I brood.
Sexily.
PC: Psh, Calian is prettier.
Calian:
I’m sorry? I was too busy being pretty to pay attention to you guys.
Sorry!
Loghain:
I want to kill you slowly.
Calian: Again, I
couldn’t hear you over the sound of how pretty I am.
Loghain:
I SAID WE NEED TO LIGHT THE TOWER. THAT IS IMPORTANT.
Calian:
Then we shall send our very best! Send my brother Alistair
and this new chick, they seem competent! Probably better than our
entire army!
PC:
I do tend to have bigger balls than most of the male
characters in this game…
Loghain: I disagree
with this plan.
Calian: Well, suck it **** I’m
King. We are doing what I say.
PC: Rock on.

BACK
AT CAMP

Alistair: What? What do you mean I
don’t get to fight whine whine **** more
PC: I
agree, whine whine **** more.
Alistair: +
Approval
Duncan: Stop your ****ing and man
up, both of you.
Alistair: Very well, but just so
you know if the King asks me to put on a dress I’m drawing the line.
PC:
I’d like to see that.
Alistair: For you, maybe.
But it’s got to be a very pretty dress!*
Duncan: Oh dear Maker I’ve found the
only person in the world who shares Alistair’s sense of humor. I might
have damned us all.
Alistair: Hey Duncan in
case I don’t see you again be careful okay?
Duncan:
Well, that’s not foreshadowing—uh, I mean, yeah you two be careful too,
okay?

EPIC MOVE SCENE: IS EPIC

PC:
Woo-hoo! It’s like a scene from Lord of the Rings!
Alistair:
RUN FASTER AND DON’T DIE.
PC: Owie explosions
hurt. >.<
::arrive at the Tower::
Redshirt
Mage: Since we have two warriors and a rogue the computer
decided you needed a healer. I’m coming too.
PC:
::has been dying pretty steadily:: I appreciate that.

FIRST
FLOOR OF THE TOWER: EPIC

PC: This game is
****in’.

SECOND FLOOR OF THE TOWER: EPIC

PC:
…How high does this tower go exactly?

THIRD FLOOR: EPIC BUT
KINDA REPETITIVE

PC: Seriously, ****, how
tall is this thing?

TOP FLOOR: EPIC

PC:
OH **** IT’S AN ORGE.
Team: ::gets mostly
pulverized::
Alistair: I am epic. ::stabs the
orge in the face::
PC: ::swoons::
Alistair:
Light that thing already so we can go home!
PC:
Why can’t you do it? …Fine.
::lights it::

MOVIE
SCENE: Loghain betrays Calian.
NO ONE: ::is
surprised::

Calian: Alas, all the pretty ones
die young. ::dies::
Duncan: NOOO!!! ::dies
dramatically::

XXX
END

*true stories.

Hope it
wasn’t too stupid.

Jak

[Tasmen]

I loved these when I saw them in LJ. And I love them all the same and more now. BEST COUSLAND RETELLING EVER

[Freckles04]

So awesome! I'm giggling like mad here. Thanks for sharing!

[MireliA]

class!! Love Daveth in this

[Ilvra]

Rock on.

[Miri1984]

In the spirit of the retelling, this *&^%*ing ROCKS!

[Sisimka]

Just ain't enough room here to start quoting all my favourite bits. They're all my favourite bits. MOAR!

[Miliat]

Loghain:

I hate you all. Watch as I brood.

Sexily.

That line is my favorite!

[bukittyan]

lol, that is too funny! Moar!

[leeboi2]

Haha, that was pretty pro

[Jakia]

Title: The
Adventures of PC Cousland, a Fangirl
Chapter
Two!
Author: Jakia
Word
Count: 2099
Warnings: Spoilers and foul language
abound!
A/N: People were interested,
so I continued!  Hurray!  Rated T for Teagan.
--------

PC:
Ow my head. What did I drink last night?
Morrigan:
Hi!
PC: …Okay, I drank a lot last night…
Morrigan:
Mother rescued you from the Tower and stuff.
PC:
Oh, cool. Er, wait, what about the King?
Morrigan:
Dead. Weren’t you just watching the cinema scene?
PC:
Obvious answer is obvious. Moving on: why am I in my underwear?
>.<
Morrigan: I was curious. And bored.
PC:
Uh…
Morrigan: I also tattooed my name on your
ass.
PC: …
Morrigan: And you
have nice underwear! I think we might have the same matching set.
PC:
I may run away soon. Like, immediately.
Morrigan:
Cool. Anyway, your boytoy is emo-ing outside.
PC: He’s
not my—well, not yet anyway—wait, did you say he was emo-ing?
Morrigan:
Like a skinny highschool boy wearing mascara and girl-pants. You
better hurry or he’ll start writing bad poetry.
PC: …Right,
you are a creepy ****. But, uh, thanks for healing me and stuff.
Morrigan:
No problem.

Alistair: ::emos::
PC: You are the
prettiest emo ever.
Alistair: EVERYONE I
LOVE IS DEAD. :’C
PC: Yeah, me too. Join the
club. The entire Cousland clan just got slaughtered--
Duncan
FROM THE GRAVE: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR ORIGIN.
PC:
Er, I mean, there there. ::pats::
Flemeth:
So you guys are going to kill darkspawn, yes? Otherwise, why did I
save you besides my plan to rape your ass when you try to kill
me later?
Alistair: I don’t know! What
do you think?
PC: **** if I know. Hey, when did I
become the leader?
Alistair: Right now. The vote
is unanimous.
PC: Crudstones.
PC:
Oh, hey, what about those convenient treaties Duncan left with me?
Alistair:
OF COURSE. WHAT A MARVELOUS IDEA.
Flemeth: Epic
line: Dwarfs, mages, this Arl Eamon…sounds like you’re raising an army.

Alistair: So, uh, reassure me? Can we do this?
PC:
We totally can.
Alistair: Sweet! Let’s rock and
roll.
Flemeth: Before you go, take my
plot-device, fanservice daughter with you.
Morrigan:
What?
PC: What?
Alistair:
WHAT?
Morrigan: Mommy you cannot torture me so.
Flemeth:
Oh, yes I can. Have fun, dear. I’ll eat you the next
time I see you, I promise.

Morrigan: Let’s
go to Lothering.
PC: Seeing as it’s the only
place available on our map, why not?

MAGICAL CUTSCENE
AT DENERIUM

Loghain: Hey ****es.
I’m King now.
Teagan: I DISAGREE WITH THIS.
Loghain:
Why should anyone listen to you?
Teagan: ‘Cause
I’m TEAGALICIOUS.
Loghain: …
Teagan: It’s
because I’m sexy and delicious. There wasn’t an appropriate
word in the English language to describe how I am equal parts awesome
and sexy. Therefore, I made one up. ::swooshes hair in the breeze.
Sexily.::
EVERY FEMALE EVER: ::melts::
Loghain: …I should
have had you poisoned along with your older, nonsexy brother.
Anora:
WAIT TEAGAN YOU DIDN’T **** ME. You can’t leave yet! Also
stop being mean to my daddy. >.<
Teagan:
Sorry, I am needed back in Redcliffe! Another day, perhaps?
::leaves::
Anora: …Because of this, I feel the
need to be a **** for the remainder of the game. ::sobs:: Why
Teagan? Why won’t you love me?! DADDY, MAKE HIM LOVE ME.
Loghain:
Sorry Princess, I have lives to destroy. Perhaps some other day?
Anora:
::sobs::

At Lothering

Alistair:
::snarks::
Morrigan: Oh, now he de-emos.
Couldn’t find sharp enough blades, huh?
Alistair:
**** you. >.<
PC: Morrigan, be nice.
Morrigan:
- Approval
PC: WHAT? WHAT IS
THIS?
Morrigan: Uh, we can disagree with you, you
know. We are individuals, with our own individual thoughts, morals, and
idea—
PC: F*** THAT. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
BLINDLY DOING WHATEVER I TOLD YOU TO?
Alistair:
Uh, that was so KOTOR. We have our own agendas now.
PC:
GODD*MNIT.
Alistair: Anyway, where should we go,
oh-fearless-leader?
PC: Damn you all. I want to
find my brother.
Morrigan: No can do.
PC:
Er, why not?
Morrigan: The developers
said so. PICK A PLACE ON THE MAP.
Alistair: I
think we should see Arl Eamon.
PC: ::thinking about
approval and how to bribe get everyone on her side::
Uh, what he said.
Alistair: + Approval
PC:
Sweet!
Morrigan: Aren’t you going to ask what I
think we should do?
PC: ::thinking about approval
and how to bribe get everyone to like her:: Uh, sure,
why not?
Morrigan: + Approval
Morrigan:
I think we should go kill Loghain.
PC: Uh…
Alistair:
If we did that, this game would be too short. No can do.
Morrigan:
Snark snark ****.
Alistair: Snark back.
PC:
OH HOW ABOUT WE EXPLORE THIS PLACE FIRST OKAY?
Morrigan/Alistair:
Okay.

PC: ::wandering around lost in
Lothering:: This place sucks. WHERE THE CRAP ARE LELIANA AND STEN? Oh,
there’s Sten.
Sten: ::broods::
PC: Uh,
hi there! Want to join my adventurous group?
Sten: No.

PC: ::surprised:: Wow, uh, are you sure?
Sten:
No. I am just going to disagree with everything you say in the
future. I thought you might like a heads up.
PC: …

Sten: - Approval
PC:
WHAT? YOU AREN’T EVEN IN MY PARTY YET.
Sten:
You are a woman and therefore suck at fighting because I said so. Also,
Grey Wardens? Are suppose to be awesome. You, however, are not.
PC:
…
Sten: - Approval
PC:
You know what? You are joining my party anyway, and I’m going to take
you everywhere just to listen to how pissed off you can get at
everything I do.
Sten: - Approval
Sten:
Sorry, I can’t join your party.
PC: WHY NOT?
Sten:
As you can see, I am trapped in a cage. ::points to cage::
PC:
…I hate you so much…
Morrigan: We should
help him.
Alistair: I am shocked, ma’am, just
shocked! Kindness from Morrigan? Blasphemy!
Morrigan:
It’s because Sten is prettier than you.
PC:
Impossible. No one is prettier than Alistair. Except maybe the King.
Hey, wait a minute—
Alistair: HEY WE HAVEN’T GONE
INTO THAT BUILDING YET LET’S DO THAT.

::in the Tavern::


Dudes: Haven’t we spent all morning asking
after a woman by this description?
PC: What sort
of description?
Dude: Uh, well—
PC:
No, I’m serious. What did they say I looked like?
Dude:
…
PC: Because seriously, just because I happen to
be a blondish-sort of redhaired brunette does not mean there are not
eighty-five million other women with paleish tanned dark skin who wear
their hair in the same way I do who that just happen to look just like
me in this town!
Dude: …
Dude:
Whatever, let’s just kill them.
Leliana: How
about let’s not?
Dude: Go away. >.<
Leliana:
PEACE AND LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND--
PC: Bloodshed
yes!
THEY FIGHT.
PC: Psh, I
am awesome. Let’s kill them.
Leliana:
No, they have surrendered! Let them go!
PC: So
they can kill me another day?
Leliana: ::googly
eyes::
PC: …Fine, they can go.
Leliana:
Yay! Now I’m going to join your party!
PC:
Wait, what?
Leliana: ::googly
eyes:: Y-you d-don’t ::sniff:: want me to join your party?
PC:
No! I mean I do, I’m just…confused as to how this is happening. Why
do you want to come with me?
Leliana: The Maker
told me too.
PC: …You are either going to be right,
or you are going to kill me in my sleep.
Leliana:
::googly
eyes::
PC: FINE. Welcome to Team Awesome.

Leliana: Yay!
PC: Sparkles the
Dog, this means you get to go back to camp!
Sparkles:
::googly
eyes::
PC: Oh no. Unlike Leliana, you
cannot speak, and therefore have less dialogue snark options than the
rest of the party. Off you go!
Sparkles: ::googly
eyes:: ::proceeds to go to camp where he will be forgotten about
for the rest of the game.::
PC: Now, let’s get
Sten.

AT THE CHANTRY

Ser
Donall: Arl Eamon is sick and we are searching for the Urn of
Sacred Ashes.
PC: So we won’t be able to simply
waltz into the Castle and get aid? I AM SHOCKED, SIR, SIMPLY *SHOCKED*.


Revered Mother: Plz donate the monies.
PC:
I don’t have two coppers to rub together. Which is sad, considering I
am the youngest daughter of the second-most powerful family in
Ferelden. Oh, how the mighty have fallen…
Revered Mother: How
may I help you?
PC: Can I have Sten?
Revered
Mother: No.
Leliana: ::googly
eyes::
Revered Mother: Oh fine here’s the
key.
Leliana: Yay!

AT STEN’S CAGE


PC: I’m releasing you into my custody.
Sten:
Perhaps this way I may seek atonement
PC: No,
now you get to rot in camp, never to be seen ever again.
Sten:
-Approval
PC: F you, too.


LEAVING LOTHERING

Dwarves: HELP
DEAR MAKER THERE ARE DARKSPAWN!
PC: Don’t worry,
good sers, we are professionals!
::kills them all::

Dwarf: Thank you so much! Say, where are you
going?
PC: Grey Warden business.
Dwarf:
Ah. Then we will probably never see one another again! Tootles!


AT CAMP

Archdemon: What’s up,
darkspawn?
PC: OH GOD GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF.
Alistair:
::while watching you sleep:: Hey baby, it’s okay. I saw it too.
PC:
Comfort me? Sexually?

Alistair: What was that? My virgin ears don’t
seem to be working…
PC: I JUST WANT A HUG.
::sobs::
Alistair: How about I tell you stories
about the Grey Wardens?
PC: Sure, I need to boost
your approval anyway.
Alistair: Basically, Duncan
was the closest thing I ever had to a father, the Grey Wardens are
awesomeness incarnate, and Arl Eamon’s wife is a ****.
PC: So,
is Eamon your dad or something?
Alistair: No. I
never had a dad. Or a mom. ::sobs::
PC:
You are so pretty.
Alistair: Er,
what are you doing?
PC:
notundressingyouwithmyeyescertainly.
Alistair: …
PC:
Um, I’m going to talk to Leliana, kk?
Alistair: Cool.

PC: …
PC:
…Please love me.
Alistair: What
was that?
PC: NOTHING. TALKING TO LELIANA, LATER.

Alistair: + Major Approval

Leliana:
Hello?
PC: Hi, I want to…wait, what is this,
listen to a story? WHAT ****ERY IS THIS?
Leliana:
Oh, you see, I am a bard. Telling stories is what we do.
PC:
F no. Sorry, no approval for you!
Leliana:
::googly
eyes::
PC: Goddamn. Is that your only
weapon?
Leliana: Yes.
PC: …
Leliana:
::googly
eyes::
PC: Fine, tell me a story.
Leliana:
Once upon a time there was a noblewoman whose father wouldn’t let her
fight. She disguised herself as a man, kicked ass, and then they killed
her.
PC: Bummer, dude.
Leliana:
After they killed her they decided that was a bad idea. Now women
fight!
PC: Hurray!
Leliana: +
1 Approval
PC: …Wait, I just sat through that
entire thing for one approval point? F this. I’m never speaking to
you again.
Leliana: ::googly
eyes::
PC: Being mean to you is like kicking
a puppy. I’m not sure I can do it. Anyway, more stories later kk? I
need to talk to everyone else.
Leliana: KK.

PC:
HI STEN.
Sten: Why are we not killing
darkspawn?
Sten: - Approval
PC:
Yeah, f you too.

PC: HI MORRIGAN.
Morrigan:
Hello.
PC: So, what’s your story?
Morrigan:
My mother never loved me, the animals were my only friends, oh, and
for fun as a child I helped my mother kill and torture people!
PC:
…
Morrigan: What? What was your mother
like?
PC: Pretty amazing compared to yours. She
even hugged me occasionally.
Morrigan: Hugs are
for squares. – Approval
PC: I should
have seen that coming.

Dwarf: FANCY SEEING
YOU HERE. WANT TO BUY THINGS?
PC: This is
convenient. Sure, why not?
Dwarf: Also, this is
my son, Sandal.
Sandal: Enchantment?
Dwarf:
Don’t let him fool you. He’s the biggest badass in the game.
PC:
Considering every other badass in this game died already? I
am not surprised.
Sandal: Enchantment!
PC:
You go, little dude!

Levi: Your master once
promised me something.
PC: Good for him. Get
out of my camp.
Levi: Not until you buy some
premium content.
PC: …
Levi:
What?
PC: I am wondering where the shank
option is.
Levi: What?
PC: So
that I may stab you. With a spork or something.
Levi:
…I’m just going to stand here and pray no one makes a mod where you can
decapitate me.
PC: Better pray pretty hard there,
buddy.

PC: I have decided! We are going to
Redcliffe!
Everyone: Yay!
Sten:
-Approval

END.
A/N: Oh Teagan you so fine, you so
fine you blow my mind hey Teagan.

[Miri1984]

MOAR!

[MireliA]

ROFLMAO! Brilliant

Love the Teaglicious line

Modifié par MireliA, 24 mars 2010 - 11:19 .

[Sisimka]

The start: Rated T for Teagan, and a laugh every ten seconds after that. Must have MOAR!

Modifié par Sisimka, 24 mars 2010 - 11:32 .

[Kahlmulandr]

PC:

Considering every other badass in this game died already? I

am not surprised.

Sandal: Enchantment!

PC:

You go, little dude!

EPIC!

[Trintrin86]

Holy crap this is funny! :-D

[Freckles04]

I'm laughing so bloody hard right now...



MOAR!

[Sandtigress]

Yup, Teagan was epic. We definitely need more Teagan!

[DrSharon]

May I have more, please? *holds up empty page*

[Miri1984]

Can I just jump in and say again that this is fantastic? I know there hasn't been a new chapter, but I keep coming back and reading it again and again and again. And I've started playing a fem-cousland again just because I keep hearing "comfort me... sexually.." in my head and laughing out loud.

[Jakia]

Chapter Three

AT REDCLIFFE

Alistair: So I need to talk to you
about stuff.
PC: Are you confessing your undenying
love for me already? ::swoons::
Alistair: Uh, no.
However, I figured you should know...IamthebastardsonofMaricandthereforetheheirtothethrone.
PC:
WHAT?
Alistair: Uh, I said…
PC:
WHAT?
Alistair: Um…
Morrigan:
I think you’ve knocked her into shock.
Sten:
Leaders should be badass regardless of whatever news they hear. Fail. –Approval
PC:
You are a *Prince*?
Alistair: Um, technically, I
am a bastard—
PC: ::bows to her knees:: THANK YOU
DAVID GAIDER FOR FULFILLING ALL OF MY DISNEY-PRINCESS DREAMS.
Alistair:
Who the bloody hell is David Gaider?
Leliana:
Some theologians think that may be the physical name of the Maker,
believe it or not.
Alistair: Oh. That makes sense.
But what’s a Disney Princess? Is that some sort of disease, like
Cinderella, or Herpies?
PC: Never mind that.
Moving on, ALISTAIR WE SHALL MAKE YOU KING.
Alistair:
Oh, bad idea. I would be a terrible king!
Alistair:
-Approval
PC: NOOOOOOO!!!!
Sten:
Your screams are too girly. Scream like a warrior!
Sten:
-Approval
PC: Sten, go back to camp
before I stab you in the face.
Sten: Finally, you
are behaving as a proper leader should.
Sten:
+Approval
PC: Just...just get out.
Alistair:
I just wanted you to like me for who I am! ::sobs::
PC:
I DO LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE! I JUST LIKE YOU *EVEN MORE* NOW!
Alistair:
I don’t believe you. ::sniff::

RANDOM NPC:
HEY GUYS REDCLIFFE IS UNDER ATTACK YOU SHOULD COME HELP US.
PC:
Sure, let’s do that!
RANDOM NPC: COOLIOS.
I’LL TAKE YOU TO SEX TEAGAN.
Alistair: Uh, I think
you mean *Bann* Teagan.
RANDOM NPC: No, it’s
Sex Teagan. Or Bann Sexy. One of the two.
PC: I
think I’m going to like this place!

YOUR PARTY ENTERS THE
CHANTRY. EVERY FEMALE IN THE VILLAGE IS IN THERE, TRYING TO THROW
THEMSELVES AT BANN SEXY.

The Bann Sexy Theme song plays in the
background.

Teagan: Oh, new blood—I mean,
welcome to Redcliffe!
Alistair: Hi Uncle.
PC:
Uh, Uncle?
Alistair: Yep. I
learned all my sexiness from him.
Teagan: That he
did.
Teagan: ::turns on the charm, turns to the
PC:: And how may I help you, my fair maiden?
PC: ::swoons::

Alistair: Uncle,
stop stealing my woman. >.<
Teagan: Hey,
until I see a ring, she’s free game son.

PC:
::drooling:: Uh, what was I saying?
Teagan: “Take
me now, you delicious piece of man-meat.”
PC: But
I don’t want you to think I’m a ****,* so I’ll pass this time.
Teagan:
Darn.
Teagan: Anyway, we need help in the worst
possible way.
PC: How convenient! We just happen
to be the most helpful people around!
Teagan:
Excellent! Anyway, I need you to slay some zombies.
PC:
Consider it done, my incredibly handsome friend.
Teagan:
BUT FIRST you may want to help around the neighborhood so you don’t
die instantaneously in the first five minutes.
PC:
Nah, I forced Morrigan to learn healing. We’re good.
Teagan:
So you are truly ready to face this terrible evil?
PC:
Sure, why not? Sidequests are for chums.

THE BATTLE

Everyone:
::DIES INSTANTANEOUSLY.::
PC: Urg, let’s try that
again.

::Reloads::

Teagan:
So you are truly ready to face this terrible evil?
PC:
NO, LET ME GO HELP THESE POOR CREATURES.

Kaitlyn:
::sobbing:: P-p-lease save my brother. >.<
Morrigan:
I DISAPPROVE.
PC: Of course I’ll help you!
Alistair/Leliana:
+ Approval
Alistair: I love helping
random strangers!

OUTSIDE

Morrigan: I
disapprove of this plan. Helping people sucks.
PC:
Morrigan, shut up, no one likes you.
Morrigan: -Approval

PC:
Hello Helpful NPC, how may I help you?
Helpful NPC:
Do this this this and this. Oh, and we are all going to die.
PC:
::RADIATING OPTIMISM::
Helpful NPC: Aww, you are
adorable. ::pats head::

Drunk Dude: Go away.
>.<
PC: No. HOW MAY I HELP YOU TODAY?
Drunk
Dude: Save my daughter?
PC: CONSIDER IT
DONE.
Leliana: Helping people is wonderful!
Morrigan:
-Approval
Alistair/Leliana:
+Approval
PC: WHHHYYYY IS THIS SO HARD? I
NEED ANOTHER GOOD GUY IN MY PARTY. >.<

PC:
Hey that place looks abandoned. OH LOOK FIRE. THAT MIGHT HELP.

Alistair:
Someone is in the closet. And it isn’t me.
PC:
Hey come out.
Bevin: BUT I’M SCARED.
PC:
Aww, don’t be scared, small child! Why were you hiding, anyway?
Bevin:
I was going to get my grandfather’s sword and use it to fight zombies.
PC:
Great idea! How about you give me the sword and I’ll fight zombies?
Bevin:
...Can you pay for the sword?
PC: …This kid is
going places…Sure, why not?
PC: ::gets sword::
PC:
Holy crap! This is a frigging awesome sword!

BACK AT THE
CHANTRY

Kaitlyn: Oh, I couldn’t possibly ask
you to pay for that sword!
Bevin: ::kicks his
sister:: ::whispers:: If she gives us five gold, you’ll marry Sex
Teagan and become the Arlessa of Redcliffe.
Kaitlyn:
0_o
Kaitlyn:
Ohpleasegivememoneyohpleasegivememoney.
PC: That
kid is totally going places. Here, TAKE EVERYTHING WE HAVE.
PC:
::dumps ALL THE MONEY THEY HAVE in her lap::
Kaitlyn:
Hurray! Now to seduce Sex Teagan! ::leaves with Bevin::

Alistair:
…We are so poor now.
PC: Yeah, but that kid?
Totally deserves it. Awesome little guy is a shrewd businessman in the
making.
Alistair: I’m going to miss food. And
clean clothes. Still, I approve. +Approval
Leliana:
As do I. +Approval
Morrigan: Screw you
guys, I wanna go back to my swamp. –Approval.

BACK
OUTSIDE

Dwarf: Why the hell did you kick down
my door?
PC: Because it was TOTALLY AWESOME. Why
can’t I do that more often?
Dwarf: Anyway, get out
of my house.
PC: No. Fight tonight instead.
Dwarf:
Nothing you say can persuade me.
PC: Then I won’t
use my persuade skill! INTIMIDATE.
Dwarf:
Holy Ancestors! You are like 5 feet tall and terrifying.
PC:
IT’S EVEN FUNNER TO DO THIS AS AN ELF.
Everyone:
…
PC: BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, ELVES ARE ******.
Dwarf:
FINE I’LL FIGHT FOR YOU JUST DON’T EAT ME.
PC: UNDERSTOOD.

Ser
Perth: I am afraid I do not know how to address you. Will my
Lady suffice?
PC: You mean you’ll call me
something other than “Warden”?
Ser Perth: Yes,
unless I have offended my Lady—
PC: Nonononono!
Keep with the “my Lady” stuff. It reminds me that I’m special and not
like these COMMONERS. ::stares down at her party::
Alistair/Leliana/Morrigan:
-Approval
PC: Oh, it was totally worth it
that time.
PC: Anyway, how can I help?
Ser
Perth: We need divine help.
PC:
Understood. TO THE CHANTRY.

BACK IN THE CHANTRY

Revered
Mother: Thank you for helping us even though you aren’t from
here.
PC: Helping villages is what we do. Anyway, I
need holy protection for the knights outside.
Revered
Mother: I’ve already prayed for them. What more do you want?
Alistair:
Can’t we give them something so that they think they are blessed?
Revered
Mother/Leliana: BUT THAT’S LYING.
PC:
But we are totally going to let it slide this time. Can we have some
amulets?
Revered Mother: Oh fine.
Leliana:
LYING IS BAD. –Approval
Morrigan:
Helping people sucks. In case, you know, you wanted to know if I
changed my mind. I haven’t. ----Approval
Alistair:
Lying is sometimes okay. +Approval
PC:
I give up trying to understand you people.

Teagan:
::singing:: I’m bringing sexy back. Them other boys don’t know
how to act.
PC: HEY BANN SEXY I THINK WE ARE
READY TO GO.
Teagan: Sweet! On to battle!
PC:
Hey why aren’t you fighting?
Teagan: Pshhh, I’m
too pretty. Unlike Calian, I know that being pretty attracts danger,
and danger attracts, you know, death. Therefore, I stay inside.
PC:
Alistair’s tank-status suddenly makes a lot more sense…
Teagan:
It’s your enemies sensing how pretty he is.
PC:
Hot damn. And here I thought it was because he wore the heaviest
armor! Alistair, we may need to get you a helmet. You know, hide your
prettiness.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Zombies:
::ATTACK::
PC: This time, we KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Leliana:
::uses a bow::
Morrigan: ::uses spells::
PC:
::temporarily uses a bow::
Alistair: ::runs
THROUGH THE FIRE AND ATTACKS ZOMBIES WITH A SWORD::
Alistair:
Ow, fire hurts. >.<
PC: ::facepalm::
Morrigan, heal him.
Morrigan: I think if he’s that
stupid I should be allowed to just let him stay on fire.
PC:
It’s not his fault I don’t have another long-range weapon!
Morrigan:
Then he should STAY PUT, AND DON’T RUN AFTER ENEMIES. INTO, YOU KNOW,
FIRE.
PC: Silly Morrigan, the AI is not nearly
complex enough to do that!
Alistair: STILL ON FIRE.
OW.
Ser Perth’s Men: ::ALSO ON FIRE::
Dwarf
and His Men: ::ALSO ON FIRE::
Morrigan:
MORONS. I’M NOT HEALING ANY OF YOU. >.<

RANDOM ASS
NPC: THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING OUT OF THE LAKE!
PC:
Come on then, let’s save them!

ZOMBIES: ::KICK
ASS::
PC: Oh noes what do we do now?
Teagan:
::walks out of the Chantry without a shirt on::
ZOMBIES:
::CANNOT HANDLE THE SEXY THAT IS SEX TEAGAN::
ZOMBIES:
::EXPLODE::

PC: SEX TEAGAN WHY THE HELL DIDN’T
YOU DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Teagan: Eh, I
forgot about it. Plus, you looked like you needed time to level up
first.
Alistair: What sort of technique was that?
Teagan:
Death by Sexiness. Duncan was a master of it back in the day, as was
Maric. Someday Alistair, even you will have mastered this forbidden
technique, and hopefully remember to use it before you are squished by
an ogre, unlike your brother.
Alistair: …It seems I
still have much to learn.
PC: So, uh, can we go
see Eamon now? Surely if he has a sexilicious brother like you, he must
be pretty damn hot.
Teagan: Um, about that—Meet me
up by the Windmill in five okay?

PC: Why
couldn’t we have, oh I don’t know, walked together? As if I’m
not walking immediately to the Windmill. Hello!

Teagan:
Anyway, my brother is sick and I’m going to break in using a ninja
entrance.
PC: Sweet! How will you be doin—
Isolde:
TEEEAAAAGGGGAAAANN.
PC: OH MAKER MY EARS. THEY
ARE BLEEDING.
Teagan: You get use to it after a
while.
Teagan: ISOLDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Isolde:
My son is, ah, you know. I need you to come to the castle. NOW.
PC:
This doesn’t sound like a trap at all!
Isolde:
Who the hell are you? Teagan, who is this woman?
Alistair:
Hello Lady Isolde! You remember me! You know, Alistair, the boy
you kicked out and left him to fend for himself because you’re an awful
b*tch? I’m back!
Isolde: Of all the--!
PC:
HEY BE NICE TO ALISTAIR OR I’LL SLAP A B****.
Isolde:
And you are?
PC: Lady PC Cousland of Highever, at
your service.
Isolde: What does PC stand for?
PC:
Something God-awful and embarrassing.
Teagan:
Anyway, Isolde, I’ll go with you, but first I need to speak with this
young lady.
Isolde: …
Teagan:
Over here.
Isolde: …
Teagan:
Away from you?
Isolde: …Fine. But if you
have sex with her I reserve the right to cut off your balls.
Teagan:
Ma’am yes ma’am.

Teagan: Take my ring.
PC:
Is this a marriage proposal? ‘Cause it kinda sucks if it is.
Teagan:
Um, no. The ring will get you inside the castle through the hidden
passage in the Windmill. There you will go through the dungeons and
make your way through the courtyard and come into the Main Hall where
I’ll be. Try to save Eamon, he’s the most important.
PC:
NONSENSE BANN SEXY I SHALL SAVE YOU ALL.
Teagan:
You are as brave as you are beautiful. Now I must go, before Isolde
cuts off my balls.
PC: …She wouldn’t really do
that, would she?
Teagan: Let’s hope not. Goodbye,
fair people!
Isolde: TEAGAN LET’S GO.

THEY
LEAVE

TO BE CONTINUED


A/N:
Sorry guys, it was just getting kinda long. I had to cut it somewhere!

*Obscure
reference is obscure. Bonus points and cookies to whoever figures it
out.

[MireliA]

Even more Teagan! Love the ears bleed line... MOAR!

[Kallian13]

My eyes are watering I'm laughing so hard!!

[Miri1984]

I can't find the original * for the obscure reference! What's the line? And also - totally AWESOME once again.

[Shadow of Light Dragon]

Just read this all the way through. I LOVE IT. Laughed all the way through my lunch break.